I had such great aspirations to write my blog more often; at least once a week! But with one thing and another, it’s just not happening haha! Life has been pretty crazy lately, and by the time I get the time to write, I’m so exhausted, I just can’t focus. So I thought, as it’s been a while, I’d do a quick check-in of sorts, to update you all on life and stuff….
When I last wrote, things were tough and I was struggling. I wouldn’t say it’s much different now, to be honest, but I feel like I’m coping a little better than I was then. I guess I’ve put a lot of effort into prioritising what’s worth worrying about and what isn’t. There’s no point in getting worked up over things that I can’t change or control. It’s not going to get me anywhere, other than feeling rubbish.
Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere
My mental health took a battering a few weeks back when someone really hurt me. Someone who was meant to be my family; just turned their back and walked out of my life, for the second time. Whilst their time in my life was brief (3 months-ish), the fact that they’d promised to not disappear again, and then they did was painful to comprehend. But, it’s something I’ve made sure is put to the back of my mind now. It’s not important, they’re not important. I don’t need people in my life who don’t want to be there, and ultimately it’s a greater loss to them than it is to me. I have so many people in my life who love me, care about me, and treat me right. Those who treat me wrong have no place in my life anyway. There will be a small number of people reading this who will know exactly what and whom I’m talking about, and that’s okay, they already know what’s happened and how it made me feel. For those that don’t know, it’s not really the right place for me to air the situation or name anyone. Whilst my blog is a place where I’m open and honest at all times, there are some limitations on what I’m prepared to divulge to the world.
Now that I’ve processed the feelings, mostly anyway, it’s easier to deal with them and move on. It’s made me realise a lot about myself too, which has only made me stronger. That can only be a good thing. I’ve always been a pretty resilient person, and take most things on the chin rather than to the heart. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but I’m getting better at it! I’ve experienced so much in my 33 years, good, bad, and downright ugly. But all of which has shaped me into the person that I am today. I feel proud that I’m still standing, and that I fought through it all. There will always be battles I have to face, but whether I win or lose, no matter what, I’ll always get back up. I will keep on fighting and living my best life as much as possible.
Anyway, enough babble! So, I had my ultrasound scan last week (Tuesday); then a visit to my GP on Friday for the results. Long story short, I’m being referred to a gynecologist at the hospital. They didn’t see anything sinister thankfully, and no cysts either which is good. However, my left ovary has attached itself to the wall of my uterus. They’re suspecting Endometriosis. Which would explain a lot of the symptoms I’ve experienced over the years, and more so recently. As well as the long time it took to conceive. So now I just have to wait for the appointment at the hospital to come through, and take it from there. It’s pretty likely that the next step will be a Laparoscopy, for them to have a look and see exactly what’s going on, as an ultrasound can’t pick up everything, especially in terms of Endometriosis. What happens after that, will depend on what they find. In the meantime, my GP has put me on the combined pill, to see if that helps ease some of the symptoms. So fingers crossed it does so that I’m not suffering too much between now and the hospital appointment. My GP said it’s likely that it’ll be around a 6-month wait for an appointment, so any relief in the interim is welcome!
It’s made me partially relieved that we made the decision to not have any more children too, although pregnancy is apparently the only way to be free of endo symptoms! But what happens going forward, could potentially take away the choice anyway. Not that I’d go back on our decision, but in a way it would maybe take away some of the uncertainty I feel sometimes about it. If I wasn’t able to have any more children due to physical problems, I guess it would take some of the guilt away that sits heavy on my shoulders sometimes. I’m thankful that my daughter has inherited my resilience, and I know that she’ll flourish as an only child and be just fine. But obviously, there’s always that niggling worry in the back of my mind, that in the future she’ll ask why she doesn’t have any siblings. Obviously, we’ll tell her the truth 100%, I’ll never be anything but honest with my child. I just hope if that situation occurs, that she will understand and not hate us for it. As an only child myself, I know first hand the pros and cons of not having siblings. The pros do outweigh the cons if I’m honest!
I better hustle with this post, as my laptop is screaming at me with a low battery!
Hopefully, the coming week will be better than last week, as it was a total stress-fest, to be honest. Things were going wrong on a daily basis and it felt like everything was against me. Everywhere I turned, it was like I was hitting a brick wall, and it was really wearing me down. I feel really drained tonight, after all the rubbishness of last week, and a busy day today. So will be heading off to bed shortly after posting this I think!!
Things happening this week though, are – Monday, I’m having my ears micro-suctioned (and I’m terrified!), as I’m struggling with compacted ear wax and it’s affecting my hearing and just feels generally uncomfortable all the time! After that, I’m heading to the opticians, as I’m having a free trial of contact lenses. I’m pretty excited about it, as glasses drive me mad. Although the anxiety of actually putting them in and taking them out is pretty overwhelming right now! But I reckon it’ll be okay. They said they don’t let you take them away until you and they feel confident that you can use them correctly. Fingers crossed it’s something I get the hang of quickly!
Tuesday I’m having my hair cut (finally!!), and then nothing much happening the rest of the week. Saturday I’m having a tattoo consultation, as I’m looking to have a cover up done. Will be a long way off actually getting it done though probably (unless I win the lottery haha!!).
Anyway, I’ll leave it there for tonight, and I will endeavor (as I always do!) to get some more posts up on a more regular basis. If there is anything at all, that you’d like me to cover in a post, relating to parenting or mental health (or both!) please do let me know in the comments. All ideas welcome!! Have a good week everyone, and I’ll be back soon!!