Pondering.

Pondering.

I hadn’t really planned on blogging tonight, but am sat here overthinking, like I often do…. so figured I’d write some random thoughts down.

Yesterday (Friday 21st), someone I know, well, a family member, got married. I wasn’t at the wedding, nor have I spoken to them for a good few months, but word gets around, and knowing the same people, you find out things. I was once invited to the aforementioned wedding. But, alas, shit happened and I was swiftly taken off the guest list. Do I care? No, not really. Chances are I wouldn’t have gone anyway, due to health reasons. Life is honestly too short, for holding grudges, having regrets and feeling bitter about things. Although for some, it’s what they do best. Some people just like to create drama, to be the centre of attention, and make themselves look like the victim in every scenario. Even when they’re actually the main offender. I try to rise above such drama, because I just don’t need it in my life. I’ve got to the point where I just want to live my life, for my family, for me, and sod what anyone else has to say about it.

Of course there will always be a small part of me, that will always feel the hurt and upset of things that have happened, but ultimately, I’m still a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Even if it totally sucks.

There’s many people I miss, things I want to say, things I wish I hadn’t said or done. But you can’t go back and change the past. You can only learn from it, and move on. It’s done. Keep focused on going forwards, creating your future, not being tormented by your past. Everything you do in life, shapes you for the future. Every step you take, is one step closer to potential dreams, goals, and plans. We live, we love, we learn. But most importantly, we must keep going.

I’ve been feeling pretty crappy lately; I’m not going to lie. I’ve been so overwhelmingly tired, there’s not been a part of me that hasn’t been sore, swollen or stiff. Most days I’ve felt sick, emotional, broken and like I’m slowly sinking and falling apart. It’s been one thing after another, and it’s well and truly crushed me. If I had the option to hibernate for a few months, I seriously would consider it. Every morning, it gets harder to force my eyes open, and drag myself out of bed. Everything hurts. I just feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, over and over and over, again. I feel like I’m bruised, even though there’s none to see. I feel like I’ve got eye lids made of concrete most of the time, forcing my eyes to close. I’m just, so, tired. Tired of constantly feeling tired. Tired of doctors appointments, hospital appointments, scans, tests, consultations, referrals…. it’s just beaten me down. I’ve been referred again today, to Rheumatology (I can’t spell that….) to be assessed for Fibromyalgia. Just to add to my list of problems.

Confirmed: Bipolar Disorder. Social Anxiety. OCD. IBS.

Suspected: Endometriosis. Fibromyalgia.

Will it ever stop??

I have no fight in me left, whatsoever. I’m drained, physically, mentally, emotionally…. just…. Done.

Probably my next post will be my summary of 2018…. for now though, I’m going to drag my sorry self to bed…. G’night all. ^T.U.M^ x

 

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