Shenanigans & Contemplation

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Hey everyone,

I’ve got to apologise once again, for being missing in action for so long!! Everytime I’ve thought “I’ll get a blog post up tonight”, something has cropped up, or I’ve fallen asleep, or other such things have occurred. Its frustrating, but that’s life I suppose!!

So, a bit of a catch up is once again due!

I should really read my last post before posting new ones, but I never do 🤦‍♀️ so I also apologise if I repeat myself!

If I remember rightly, the last post was shortly after I was really unwell and taken to hospital by ambulance. It took a fair while to recover from that, which was pretty frustrating. But thankfully, I’m pretty much back to normal; well normal for me anyway!

I’ve since seen the neurology consultant, who said he feels that it was a one off, and not as a result of anything sinister going on in my brain, or epilepsy. Which is a relief. He did send me for a CT brain scan, which I had yesterday, just to make sure all is good in there. He said he would write to me with the results, and what, if any, further action needs to happen. If the scan is fine, then I’ve no need to go back to see him. I also had my full body bone scan yesterday. It was a seriously long day at the hospital. I arrived at around 10.30am, and didn’t leave until about 6pm. Getting home at just before 7pm! The bone scan was what took the longest, as it involved having an injection at 12pm (although my appointment time was 11.15!) And then waiting until 3.30pm for the scan. To allow the radioactive stuff to get into my bones. So boring on my own! Had lunch at Costa, and then wandered about for what felt like forever. Sat in the outpatients garden for a bit too, and read a book. Finally got to 3pm and I headed back up to the nuclear medicine department for the scan. The scan took about 30 minutes, which wasn’t so bad. I left that department around 4pm. Then had to pass the time once again, until 5.45pm for the CT scan! Which thankfully, I was seen 5 minutes early and was out and on the bus by 6pm! Longest. Day. Ever. I was utterly exhausted by the time I got home, and still feel pretty drained today! But glad they’re both done! Now the waiting for the results…. ugh.

Can’t recall if I mentioned having the Mirena Coil put in, in my last post. But I finally gave in and went through with it. Seriously painful procedure (for me anyway, some women don’t feel a thing!). Made me feel quite unwell for a day or 2, and very bad cramps on and off too. But once it had settled, it’s not been too bad. Hopefully it’ll be a positive thing and make life with Endometriosis a bit easier! Am back to see the gynae consultant in May, so we shall see what’s going to happen next, if anything.

2nd of April, I’m having an MRIS on my joints. Not much looking forward to that. The MRI machine is so loud and claustrophobic, so I struggle with that. But hopefully it’ll be okay. That’s the 2nd test that the rheumatology consultant requested. First being the bone scan. Not seeing him until August though, unless the results require me to go sooner. Yet again, another waiting game!

I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow to check in and update her on what’s been going on. Then next week, I’ve got dentist for a filling to be drilled out and redone. I just need a break from treatments, tests, scans, doctors, hospitals….everything! I’m so tired and done with it all now. Feel like I’m falling apart piece by piece! At the age of 34…. oh the joys!

Anyways, I’m gonna go chill out now for a bit before heading off to bed. I’ll be back fairly soon, as I’m guest writing for education.com again! Was asked a few weeks back if I’d like to write for them again, and of course said yes! But with one thing and another, I’m yet to actually do the post! 🤦‍♀️ it’s on my to-do list for this weekend! Hopefully!!

Thanks for reading, hope you’re all having a good week!! X

Untitled ramblings.

Untitled ramblings.

It’s just gone 1am, and my mind is a hive of activity. Despite being so overwhelmingly tired and should really get to bed, I just can’t stop my mind from overthinking and over analysing stuff.

The last couple of days, have been so hard. Depression is genuinely crushing me, to the point where sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Getting up in the morning is still a struggle, although a lot of that is down to lack of sleep, but also because I just cannot be bothered to be an adult. Add to that the aches and pains all over my body, and I just feel shit. All the time. I hobble around, as if I’m an OAP sometimes, and I’m getting so fed up with it.

Today I built a toddler bed for our daughter, in the vain hope that it would help with our issues of getting her to sleep at night. Nope. Still an utter shit storm of stress and frustration all round. She finally gave in at around midnight. I was tempted to then just crawl into bed myself, but I just needed some time to sit, zone out in front of the TV, not do anything much at all. Then my brain just kicks into overdrive, the self doubt floods in and the critical thinking jumps on board too. The “I’m a shit mum” and “you have no idea what the f**k you’re doing” are the most prominent. As well as the overwhelming urges to self harm or worse. It’s been over 4 years since I last self harmed, and in that time, I’ve never had such a strong, demanding urge in my head, to do it, like I have right now. I do my best to distract myself, but it’s like a constant niggle in the back of my mind, on and on and on. Telling me to do it. Over and over again. I know that if I do, I’ll be so disappointed in myself and full of guilt. But at the same time, I keep thinking, just the once won’t do any harm, and then maybe the urges will stop. And then I think, but what if they don’t stop? What if I keep getting them and keep acting on them, over and over, until…. too much. I’m honestly at a loss.

I’m trying my hardest to keep my head above water, but it feels like I’m walking in lead boots through treacle. Every step gets harder, and I’m constantly battling to keep standing. I feel like I’m sinking more and more every day. I need a month of sleep. I literally just want to hibernate right now.

I’m sorry for all the negativity, but I’m adamant I’ll always keep it real, raw and honest. There’s no use pretending or hiding behind a fake smile. Its exhausting enough as it is, without holding up a pretense too. I’m worn out. And clinging on by my fingertips. Scared that my fingers will just let go….

X

Real, raw and honest….

Real, raw and honest….

Feeling pretty pants tonight if I’m honest; still full of cold/flu germs, and despite a pretty chilled day, I’m just so drained and exhausted. All we did today was have baths, and I changed the beds. But its wiped me out. Have only just got J to bed and asleep (11.20pm!!) after a failed attempt earlier on. She has been up and on the go since 8.45am this morning! How she kept going, is beyond me! No nap either…. toddlers eh?! Hoping to feel a bit less “ugh” tomorrow. Am so bored, tired and fed up with always being poorly.

I often feel like my body just hates me 🤦‍♀️ if it’s not my brain chemicals causing me issues, it’s my immune system not coping, resulting in me getting a virus or infection; Or my joints aching, swelling or stiffening up like they’ve been filled with concrete, making simple tasks like walking near on impossible; or feeling like my insides are trying to claw their way out…. it never ends! There is always something happening that I have to deal with. Whilst trying my best to be a mum, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a friend…. and generally just adulting. Some days are harder than others, and I get the very rare odd day here and there, where I’m 90% feeling alright….! No two days are really the same though, and I can go to bed feeling okay, and wake up feeling horrendous, or vice versa. It’s all very unpredictable and I think that’s what makes it so frustrating! Never knowing what curve ball will be thrown at me next, and wondering if I’ll have the energy to dodge it, or if it’ll hit me square in the face and knock me down again. Mental health and physical health, go hand in hand. One can’t function without the other, and so many don’t seem to understand that. Mental illness can make you feel physically unwell too, and likewise, being physically unwell can make you feel down and depressed too. Especially when its relentless, one thing after another.

But, I take each day as it comes. A new day, to try again, to fight again, and to do what I need to, to get through it. I make the most of the good times, and repeat “this too shall pass” through the bad. I take the ups with the downs, and live my best life as much as possible. Its important to live for today, always. Because the past is gone, dwelling on it is pointless, as is worrying about the future. They are two times that can’t be changed or predicted, so focus on the here and now. Live fully in each moment and never take anything or anyone for granted. Life is far too short, don’t let it pass you by. Make it count.

Much love, and good night! X

I’m rubbish at blogging lately.

I’m rubbish at blogging lately.

I’m so sorry everyone; I used to be such an avid blogger, writing daily, sometimes more than once. But now, I barely remember I even have a blog sometimes. It’s so hectic at home lately, I’m on the go all day, every day. By the evening, I’m so exhausted that once J is in bed, I get the rest of my jobs done, then collapse in a heap on the sofa. The last thing on my mind by that point, is blogging. But, when I think about it, I do miss it. I miss that daily release of emotions, frustrations, triumphs, proud moments, venting…. all of it. At the same time though, I don’t want my blog to become stale and all the same. Whilst life is hectic, it’s not really blog worthy most days if I’m honest. I don’t think there’d be many people who’d really want to read about a mundane day where nothing really happened. What I had for breakfast, is hardly an enthralling read! 

I shall do a little catch up in this post, of some of the things going on in the life of the unfiltered mum! 

So, as you know from my last post (I think…. ) I saw the consultant at the endo clinic, who was pretty convinced that I do have some degree of endometriosis, but wanted me to have an MRI. I’m still baffled by this, as soooooo many people have told me that the laparoscopy is the only way to 100% confirm and diagnose endo. But, I’m booked in for the MRI in a couple weeks (23rd, what a nice way to spend the day before Christmas Eve eh!!). Probably then an anxious wait over Christmas to then find out the results. Prior to the MRI though, on the 19th (I think), I’m booked in to have the Mirena Coil fitted. I’m absolutely terrified. I’ve read both positive and negative experiences of people who’ve had it. The negatives are what my brain decides to focus on. I guess I’m just so used to always getting the rough end of the stick, and pure bad luck. But I’m trying to be more open minded about it, as it may very well be amazing for me, I don’t know until I try it. And, if there’s any issues with it, it’s easily removed anyway (most of the time!). 

I’ve also recently had loads of blood tests, had to fast for it too, as they tested for a lot of stuff, but amongst them, was type 2 diabetes. I’ve since had the results via text, and all came back normal except Cholesterol was a bit high. So that needs looking at asap. I’m seeing my doctor on Thursday, so hopefully she can shed some light on the ins and outs of my blood results. You can’t always trust the texts anyway. 

But there has to be a reason for the way I’m feeling recently. Always tired, like to the point where if I sit still too long, or make the mistake of laying down at any point, I will quickly fall asleep. It gets so hard to keep my eyes open. All my joints ache, even my fingers. My wrists are pretty bad too, and hips, knees and feet. After sitting for a while, or in the mornings when getting out of bed, I really struggle. The stiffness is so intense, that it can take me a good few minutes to get from our bedroom, across the landing and into the bathroom in the morning, that you’d think I was about 90!! I honestly feel like my body is just breaking constantly, adding new shit to the mix, just for fun! Currently getting super frustrated as I type this, with restless legs (RLS), I literally can’t stop my lets from twitching or the constant urge that I need to move about. It gets worse the more tired I get too, and I’ve not long taken my medication too, so that’s likely playing a part! 

I think I’m rambling now, as my eyes keep crossing and going out of focus. So I’ll call it a night, and try get back on here soon. 

As ever, much love to you all. 

^T.U.M^