May-October 2020

May-October 2020

Heeeeeeey!

I don’t know if anyone even reads this blog anymore, as I’ve been the worst blogger and not written since April!! Sincerest apologies to anyone still here, and I hope you’ll stick with me!

So, 2020 so far has been one heck of a ride, right?! Lockdown, covid, masks, curfews, job losses, business closures, financial strain…. Its been quite frankly a shit storm of epic proportions. How we’ve made it to October without completely losing the plot, is beyond me! Anyway, a bit of a catch up is in order…. 👍

So, eventually, in June, preschool was allowed to reopen, albeit in a limited capacity, with lots of new rules and regulations. But, J went back for 2 hour sessions a day, and it was good for all of us. Literally a lifeline and sanity saver for me especially! We were so grateful! July came around way too quickly though, and the closer to the end of term we got, the more sad I felt. J had flourished so much by going to preschool. The thought of her not going any more was hard. She turned 4 on the 7th, which felt very surreal! When the end of term came, it was such a weird time, picking her up on her last day felt so cold and foreign. They weren’t able to have any of the normal end of term and end of preschool things, like their end of term show, summer fair, or even goodbye hugs with their teachers. It was clear on the teachers faces that it broke their hearts to only be able to wave goodbye as they left for the last time. They are all such a wonderful, caring staff, and we miss them still, even now. I keep in touch with a few of them, as they loved our J and the time they had her in their setting.

Fast forward to September, and my baby started the next chapter in her life: starting in reception class at primary school! I was super anxious about it, as over the summer holidays, I just kept looking at her and thinking that she wasn’t ready for the change. She’d missed so much of her preschool journey, that I began to be torn about my decision to let her go on to primary school this year. There was many times I felt like trying to reverse the process and send her back to preschool. Being a summer born child, going to primary school at 4 years old felt like such a massive step, one that I just didn’t know if J or even us, would cope with. I needn’t have worried though. We’re 3 weeks in to the term and she’s taken to it like a duck to water!! She settled in very quickly, making us super proud. They had 2 afternoon sessions to get them acclimatised to the setting, familiar with teachers etc, then the week following that, they started full time, 8.50am to 2.40pm. That first day I was so nervous for her, I’m not sure why, taking her in at the beginning of the day, knowing I wouldn’t see her until 2.40pm, felt very strange. Not like when we dropped her off at preschool, it was on a whole new level of strange. She walked in, as confident as ever, not even a look back over her shoulder to me. And that was that, I walked out of school, my heart in my throat and eyes welling up, from the realisation that my baby wasn’t a baby anymore. All day I wondered what she was up to, if she was okay, if she was making friends, happy…. Etc etc. I felt like I’d lost an arm! My sidekick wasn’t there and it was kinda scary.

At 2.30pm we headed off to pick her up. Stood in the playground waiting for them to come out I felt so so proud of her. As I saw them all coming out, all lined up nicely, I spotted my sweet girl. Smiling like the cat that got the cream. I knew then, it was going to be just fine. She was very tired, but very happy. Which made us happy, and the pride literally filled my heart to the point of bursting. My big girl. My incredible one and only, my first, my last, my everything. She was bossing it!

She has done 3 full weeks now, and has a best friend already, I shall refer to her as V. They’re so sweet together, and tell everyone that they’re best friends. They defend each other to other children too, and make sure they know where each other is. They jump, skip, dance and run around together, and walk into and out of school every day together. It’s also lovely because I’m making friends too. Which is something I’ve always struggled with. V’s parents are lovely and we’ve become good friends too. We always have a giggle at drop off and pick up, which makes it all a lot less daunting for me, as my social anxiety is tamed a little because I know people. I know a couple of other mums of reception kids too, which is lovely too.

I think sometimes, we don’t give our kids enough credit. Us parents are often more anxious and worried about these things than the kids. J has taken it all in her stride, and you wouldn’t think she’d only been going to school for 3 weeks. It’s like she’s been there 3 months or even years. She knows the routine, she wakes up wanting to go and bounces out of school each day so happy. I think it’s also helped that she’s made a friend so quickly too, and I’m so glad she has. She’s always been quite sociable, which increased when she started preschool. She settled there really quickly too, although friendships didn’t develop until much further on.

I don’t think my head has really caught up with reality yet though. I look at her and see my 7lb 7oz little bundle and wonder where the time has gone! The past 4 years has gone way too fast. We’ve been through so much, both good and bad. We’ve lived in 3 different homes, the 3rd one where we are now, is most definitely our forever home. We got so so lucky. It was a property I put a bid on back in February of this year. At the end of that bidding cycle it said it had been offered to someone. Plus then covid and lockdown happened, so the council stopped letting homes. I thought we’d missed out and didn’t think anymore of it. Then in July, I get an email, with an offer of a property. The one I bid on it February! It had become available again and I’d been shortlisted to view it. I genuinely didn’t believe it. It felt like someone was winding me up, as I never get that kind of luck! But it was legit. We viewed it and accepted on the spot. 21st of July we took the keys to our new home and begun the moving process once again! My hubby and his parents spend a week or so decorating throughout, then on 1st of August we officially moved in and have been here 2 months now. We’re slowly but surely making it ours, and we love it so much. Its perfect in so many ways. It’s at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac, semi detached bungalow, with currently no one living in the one attached to us. We have a fairly large garden, which is great for J as she loves being outside. Plus, the fact it’s a bungalow is great for me not having to cope with stairs every day. We’ve also got a wet room as well, so personal care is so much easier for me and makes me feel more like myself and regained some of my independence.

Life has given us its fair share of crap over the years, but I feel like it’s finally given us a break. Whilst obviously with covid still running rampant, it’s still a crazy world to be in, but when we get home and close the door, we feel truly happy and content. It’s our forever home and it’s awesome.

On Monday (5th)my hubby and I will have been together for 17 years!! How he’s put up with me for so long, I’ll never comprehend. But he has and I salute him for it, as well as love him more than words. He’s given me our beautiful daughter, taken care of us both, practically and financially, and been my rock since day 1. I wouldn’t be the person I am now if it wasn’t for him, or to be honest, I wouldn’t even be here at all.

This has taken a fair while to type, and my hands are cramping something chronic, the cold weather is not good for my rheumatoid arthritis! So, I shall leave it there. Pop me a comment if you’re still following my blog, and if there’s still a few of you I’ll try my hardest to post more often. Now that life has settled down to more manageable levels, I’m hoping to reignite the passion I once had for blogging and not be so boring and mundane with my posts! Hope you’re all (if there is any of you!) are all okay, staying well and keeping safe!

Take care and until next time x

Marching on!

Marching on!

Hello all!

So, today is March 1st. The 3rd chapter of 2020, and a chance to start fresh with a new mindset, new goals, and new ideas. My main goal this month, is to stick to the budget I set up, and make it from now until the 31st without running out of money or having bills going unpaid. I want to get on top of our financial situation and boss it, rather than it boss me. I’ve had enough of worrying about paying bills or stressing about feeding my family. I don’t want to have to resort to visiting the food bank anymore, and I don’t want to have to borrow money from friends or family to get by. I’m 35 and really should be standing on my own feet by now. I’m a mother and a wife, and whilst my health restricts me from working and earning an income, I am determined to do the best I can with what we do get. Things are finally turning around with money, and the improvement is a massive relief. I feel far less stressed, and it’s a great feeling. There’s always that element of fear and reluctance to relish the moment entirely, because I’m always afraid that it’ll all go to shit again. Anxiety is an absolute nightmare, and does tend to really hinder my life. I wish I could let go, and enjoy the fact that life is good right now. I guess it’ll always be like that for me though, but I’ll plod on like I’ve always done.

On another topic, parenting. It’s hard. Like, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Yes it’s rewarding, and I do feel truly blessed to be a mother. But, it is all consuming and utterly exhausting. Both mentally and physically. There are days, when I feel so out of my depth and overwhelmed, that I honestly don’t know how to keep going. The three year old stage has been the hardest age so far. It’s brought with it, attitude, anger, defiance, stubbornness, misbehaving on purpose, and so much more. We’ve had sleep issues, food issues, and stress levels have been well and truly off the scale. As a family, we’ve been through so much, and inevitably the strain does start to take its toll. September to December 2019, saw us battling illness after illness, and we were glad to see the back of it. But then January came around and J went back to preschool, and once again the perpetual cycle of illness started again. Added to that, the above mentioned problems, and I’m totally frazzled to the max. I know that the behaviour stuff is all part of her emotional development and she’s learning constantly, how to manage her behaviour, what’s appropriate and what’s not, boundaries, and all of that. I realise it’s probably just as hard for her, as it is for us, if not more so. It must be so hard to process it all and make sense of it in her head. I do my best to guide her, reassure her, and be there for her. But there are times I feel I’m less than what I should be. I lose my temper far more often than I’d like. I say things I instantly regret. And it makes me feel utterly awful and like a total failure. I feel like I’m letting her down, and not doing the best for her as I should be. I question myself every day, and beat myself up over the most ridiculous things. In her eyes though, I’m her world. Her safe place, her comfort, her support, and she loves me unconditionally. I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is hard though, especially when I’m tired, or in pain. It all gets very draining and my brain feels fried by the end of the day.

It’s hard to comprehend that J will be 4 in just over 4 months. Then starting in reception class in about 6 months. It feels like time is flying by and I wish sometimes I could slow it down. As my first and last child, I’m trying to relish everything, all the new milestones and achievements, and moments I know we won’t have again. I know it’ll all be worth it, and I’m sure J will grow up into an amazing woman. I’m so proud of her and love her more than words could ever convey. She may drive me to my limits, push my buttons and deprive me of sleep, but this won’t last forever. So for now, I’ll make the most of every moment, every cuddle, every “love you mumma” and try to be kinder to myself, as I’m doing the best I can.

Much love,

X

Real, raw and honest….

Real, raw and honest….

Feeling pretty pants tonight if I’m honest; still full of cold/flu germs, and despite a pretty chilled day, I’m just so drained and exhausted. All we did today was have baths, and I changed the beds. But its wiped me out. Have only just got J to bed and asleep (11.20pm!!) after a failed attempt earlier on. She has been up and on the go since 8.45am this morning! How she kept going, is beyond me! No nap either…. toddlers eh?! Hoping to feel a bit less “ugh” tomorrow. Am so bored, tired and fed up with always being poorly.

I often feel like my body just hates me 🤦‍♀️ if it’s not my brain chemicals causing me issues, it’s my immune system not coping, resulting in me getting a virus or infection; Or my joints aching, swelling or stiffening up like they’ve been filled with concrete, making simple tasks like walking near on impossible; or feeling like my insides are trying to claw their way out…. it never ends! There is always something happening that I have to deal with. Whilst trying my best to be a mum, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a friend…. and generally just adulting. Some days are harder than others, and I get the very rare odd day here and there, where I’m 90% feeling alright….! No two days are really the same though, and I can go to bed feeling okay, and wake up feeling horrendous, or vice versa. It’s all very unpredictable and I think that’s what makes it so frustrating! Never knowing what curve ball will be thrown at me next, and wondering if I’ll have the energy to dodge it, or if it’ll hit me square in the face and knock me down again. Mental health and physical health, go hand in hand. One can’t function without the other, and so many don’t seem to understand that. Mental illness can make you feel physically unwell too, and likewise, being physically unwell can make you feel down and depressed too. Especially when its relentless, one thing after another.

But, I take each day as it comes. A new day, to try again, to fight again, and to do what I need to, to get through it. I make the most of the good times, and repeat “this too shall pass” through the bad. I take the ups with the downs, and live my best life as much as possible. Its important to live for today, always. Because the past is gone, dwelling on it is pointless, as is worrying about the future. They are two times that can’t be changed or predicted, so focus on the here and now. Live fully in each moment and never take anything or anyone for granted. Life is far too short, don’t let it pass you by. Make it count.

Much love, and good night! X