Shenanigans & Contemplation

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Hey everyone,

I’ve got to apologise once again, for being missing in action for so long!! Everytime I’ve thought “I’ll get a blog post up tonight”, something has cropped up, or I’ve fallen asleep, or other such things have occurred. Its frustrating, but that’s life I suppose!!

So, a bit of a catch up is once again due!

I should really read my last post before posting new ones, but I never do ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ so I also apologise if I repeat myself!

If I remember rightly, the last post was shortly after I was really unwell and taken to hospital by ambulance. It took a fair while to recover from that, which was pretty frustrating. But thankfully, I’m pretty much back to normal; well normal for me anyway!

I’ve since seen the neurology consultant, who said he feels that it was a one off, and not as a result of anything sinister going on in my brain, or epilepsy. Which is a relief. He did send me for a CT brain scan, which I had yesterday, just to make sure all is good in there. He said he would write to me with the results, and what, if any, further action needs to happen. If the scan is fine, then I’ve no need to go back to see him. I also had my full body bone scan yesterday. It was a seriously long day at the hospital. I arrived at around 10.30am, and didn’t leave until about 6pm. Getting home at just before 7pm! The bone scan was what took the longest, as it involved having an injection at 12pm (although my appointment time was 11.15!) And then waiting until 3.30pm for the scan. To allow the radioactive stuff to get into my bones. So boring on my own! Had lunch at Costa, and then wandered about for what felt like forever. Sat in the outpatients garden for a bit too, and read a book. Finally got to 3pm and I headed back up to the nuclear medicine department for the scan. The scan took about 30 minutes, which wasn’t so bad. I left that department around 4pm. Then had to pass the time once again, until 5.45pm for the CT scan! Which thankfully, I was seen 5 minutes early and was out and on the bus by 6pm! Longest. Day. Ever. I was utterly exhausted by the time I got home, and still feel pretty drained today! But glad they’re both done! Now the waiting for the results…. ugh.

Can’t recall if I mentioned having the Mirena Coil put in, in my last post. But I finally gave in and went through with it. Seriously painful procedure (for me anyway, some women don’t feel a thing!). Made me feel quite unwell for a day or 2, and very bad cramps on and off too. But once it had settled, it’s not been too bad. Hopefully it’ll be a positive thing and make life with Endometriosis a bit easier! Am back to see the gynae consultant in May, so we shall see what’s going to happen next, if anything.

2nd of April, I’m having an MRIS on my joints. Not much looking forward to that. The MRI machine is so loud and claustrophobic, so I struggle with that. But hopefully it’ll be okay. That’s the 2nd test that the rheumatology consultant requested. First being the bone scan. Not seeing him until August though, unless the results require me to go sooner. Yet again, another waiting game!

I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow to check in and update her on what’s been going on. Then next week, I’ve got dentist for a filling to be drilled out and redone. I just need a break from treatments, tests, scans, doctors, hospitals….everything! I’m so tired and done with it all now. Feel like I’m falling apart piece by piece! At the age of 34…. oh the joys!

Anyways, I’m gonna go chill out now for a bit before heading off to bed. I’ll be back fairly soon, as I’m guest writing for education.com again! Was asked a few weeks back if I’d like to write for them again, and of course said yes! But with one thing and another, I’m yet to actually do the post! ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ it’s on my to-do list for this weekend! Hopefully!!

Thanks for reading, hope you’re all having a good week!! X

Untitled ramblings.

Untitled ramblings.

It’s just gone 1am, and my mind is a hive of activity. Despite being so overwhelmingly tired and should really get to bed, I just can’t stop my mind from overthinking and over analysing stuff.

The last couple of days, have been so hard. Depression is genuinely crushing me, to the point where sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Getting up in the morning is still a struggle, although a lot of that is down to lack of sleep, but also because I just cannot be bothered to be an adult. Add to that the aches and pains all over my body, and I just feel shit. All the time. I hobble around, as if I’m an OAP sometimes, and I’m getting so fed up with it.

Today I built a toddler bed for our daughter, in the vain hope that it would help with our issues of getting her to sleep at night. Nope. Still an utter shit storm of stress and frustration all round. She finally gave in at around midnight. I was tempted to then just crawl into bed myself, but I just needed some time to sit, zone out in front of the TV, not do anything much at all. Then my brain just kicks into overdrive, the self doubt floods in and the critical thinking jumps on board too. The “I’m a shit mum” and “you have no idea what the f**k you’re doing” are the most prominent. As well as the overwhelming urges to self harm or worse. It’s been over 4 years since I last self harmed, and in that time, I’ve never had such a strong, demanding urge in my head, to do it, like I have right now. I do my best to distract myself, but it’s like a constant niggle in the back of my mind, on and on and on. Telling me to do it. Over and over again. I know that if I do, I’ll be so disappointed in myself and full of guilt. But at the same time, I keep thinking, just the once won’t do any harm, and then maybe the urges will stop. And then I think, but what if they don’t stop? What if I keep getting them and keep acting on them, over and over, until…. too much. I’m honestly at a loss.

I’m trying my hardest to keep my head above water, but it feels like I’m walking in lead boots through treacle. Every step gets harder, and I’m constantly battling to keep standing. I feel like I’m sinking more and more every day. I need a month of sleep. I literally just want to hibernate right now.

I’m sorry for all the negativity, but I’m adamant I’ll always keep it real, raw and honest. There’s no use pretending or hiding behind a fake smile. Its exhausting enough as it is, without holding up a pretense too. I’m worn out. And clinging on by my fingertips. Scared that my fingers will just let go….

X

Real, raw and honest….

Real, raw and honest….

Feeling pretty pants tonight if I’m honest; still full of cold/flu germs, and despite a pretty chilled day, I’m just so drained and exhausted. All we did today was have baths, and I changed the beds. But its wiped me out. Have only just got J to bed and asleep (11.20pm!!) after a failed attempt earlier on. She has been up and on the go since 8.45am this morning! How she kept going, is beyond me! No nap either…. toddlers eh?! Hoping to feel a bit less “ugh” tomorrow. Am so bored, tired and fed up with always being poorly.

I often feel like my body just hates me ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ if it’s not my brain chemicals causing me issues, it’s my immune system not coping, resulting in me getting a virus or infection; Or my joints aching, swelling or stiffening up like they’ve been filled with concrete, making simple tasks like walking near on impossible; or feeling like my insides are trying to claw their way out…. it never ends! There is always something happening that I have to deal with. Whilst trying my best to be a mum, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a friend…. and generally just adulting. Some days are harder than others, and I get the very rare odd day here and there, where I’m 90% feeling alright….! No two days are really the same though, and I can go to bed feeling okay, and wake up feeling horrendous, or vice versa. It’s all very unpredictable and I think that’s what makes it so frustrating! Never knowing what curve ball will be thrown at me next, and wondering if I’ll have the energy to dodge it, or if it’ll hit me square in the face and knock me down again. Mental health and physical health, go hand in hand. One can’t function without the other, and so many don’t seem to understand that. Mental illness can make you feel physically unwell too, and likewise, being physically unwell can make you feel down and depressed too. Especially when its relentless, one thing after another.

But, I take each day as it comes. A new day, to try again, to fight again, and to do what I need to, to get through it. I make the most of the good times, and repeat “this too shall pass” through the bad. I take the ups with the downs, and live my best life as much as possible. Its important to live for today, always. Because the past is gone, dwelling on it is pointless, as is worrying about the future. They are two times that can’t be changed or predicted, so focus on the here and now. Live fully in each moment and never take anything or anyone for granted. Life is far too short, don’t let it pass you by. Make it count.

Much love, and good night! X

Living my best life….

Living my best life….

Hey peeps,

My regular day for posting was going to be Sundays, but I felt the need to write today, so here I am!

Today has been a crazy day, starting with a new tattoo (covering up 2 old ones), an epic fall out with someone I thought was a friend, a cheeky toddler who refused to go to bed, and making amends with a former enemy…. at least 2 of those things were totally unexpected!

Here’s the new ink:

It’s a larkspur flower, which is the birth flower of July, the month my daughter was born ๐Ÿ™‚ it covered 2 old tattoos, which over time have lost their significance and it was time for something new. I’m so happy with it, although 2 hours in the chair, was pretty intense. It’s really sore now, as expected, but it’s totally worth it. I have however found out I’m allergic to the aftercare stuff I bought – tattoo goo. So have gone back to my old faithful bepanthen! Had heard such good things about the tattoo goo stuff that I thought it was a good idea. But after washing it with the soap stuff, and applying the lotion a couple of times, it was literally like I’d set fire to my arm! It was so painful, and nothing like the usual fresh ink pain I’ve had in the past! So, I washed it with plain water and put some bepanthen on it, and its settled down thankfully. Still pretty tender, but nothing more than I’m used to!

As for the friend, who is no longer one, well she was slagging me off on a public Facebook page; although she didn’t mention my name, it was so obvious who she was referring to. She then tried to deny it when I confronted her, and then deleted the comment completely. Guilty conscience much?! So yeah, she’s out of my life for good. I don’t need people like that, who can so easily pass judgement and slag off their ‘friends’! She’s always been a bit judgemental, but I certainly didn’t expect her to turn on me like that. But hey ho, life goes on and I’m past caring what people think of me, so ultimately she can take the high jump! C ya! Haha.

Thanks to some moron parked up near us, revving his engine to the point where it nearly blew up, and playing loud distorted music, J refused to go to sleep at bedtime. She eventually went down and was asleep by about 10.30pm. Only 3 hours late…. she’s cute though, so I’ll let her off!

And the last thing, making amends with people I never expected to, but somehow I’m okay and feeling quite relieved about. Hopefully it all continues to be civil and good from here on…. ๐Ÿคž

So in conclusion, and to reference to the title of this post, I’m determined to live my best life. Do what’s best for my daughter, my husband and myself. Everyone else can sort their own shit out. Another thing I forgot to mention above, was being accused of interfering by a family member, when in actual fact I was trying to help and support them through a tough time. But as always, I get it thrown back at me, and it subsequently makes me feel like shit. I try to do my bit to help out, but I literally don’t know why I bother anymore. So I’ve drawn the line, and I’m not going to bother anymore. Which will still be wrong….but sod it. Life is for living, and that’s what I plan to do.

Also, we had confirmation of a pre-school place for September for our little miss! It’s quite overwhelming and emotional for me, but I just know she’ll be fine and really flourish and benefit from it. Just hope I can hold it together at the first drop off….

Anyway, time for a wash of the ink, some more bepanthen, take my meds, and chill. I’m utterly exhausted, bed time soon too probably!!

Live the life you love, love the life you live.

Goodnight x

^T.U.M^ โ™กโ™ก

The struggle is real!

The struggle is real!

Today has been a whole truck load of epic shit. Started far too early at around 4am, and didn’t really improve much. Literally every part of my body hurts. I feel utterly exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally…. it feels like 1 more push, and I’ll drop over the edge. A breakdown isn’t far away, and it scares me. I hope, with every ounce of strength I can muster, that I can claw my way back up before it consumes me.

The saving grace after such a shitty day, was when my beautiful daughter, said clearly and fully pronounced “I love you mummy”, then fell asleep whilst holding my hand. My heart literally melted like an ice cube in a frying pan. Tears filled my eyes, and I felt so much love and all the shit of the day just melted away into a distant memory. I may be struggling, but I’ll keep fighting as hard as I can, to keep afloat and not fall completely. I need to, for my baby girl.

Tomorrow, we’re visiting a pre-school, and I feel super emotional about it. I know the time will come eventually, but I really wish it wasn’t so soon. It feels like the past 2 and a half years have flown by, and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a beautiful little human, with so much love to give. I know she’ll love the experience of pre-school and making friends, learning and having fun. It’ll be me that’s an emotional mess, leaving my baby in the care of someone else. I’ve never left her with anyone except her daddy. She’s my precious girl, and no matter how tired or stressed I am, I’m better when she’s with me. My anxiety when we’re apart for any length of time, is quite frankly horrible. Its completely irrational probably, but she’s literally my everything and I just hate being away from her. I feel like a totally shit mum sometimes, when I get ratty and cross with her, but I hope she understands as she gets older, that it’s only because I care about her so so much. I do my best, always. Everything I do, every breath I take, is for her. Shes the reason I wake up in the mornings (quite literally!) and the reason I will never stop fighting my demons, no matter how hard they try to kick my ass.

I’m determined to give my daughter the best possible life. She’s so deserving of it, and I’ll make sure it happens, no matter what. I don’t care if I have to go without things or sacrifice anything for her sake, she’s totally worth it.

My first, my last, my everything. I love her to the moon and back, with every beat of my heart, that love grows stronger.

^T.U.M^

Smile, Sparkle, Shine.

Smile, Sparkle, Shine.

Not necessarily in that order…. ๐Ÿ˜‚

Hey everyone, I’m sincerely sorry for not posting since November 1st! 18 days have passed and to be fair they’ve been pretty hectic!

I think I wrote a while back, that we were trying to move again; well, that hit brick wall after brick wall! It got to the point where I was just so sick and tired of chasing up emails and paperwork, that we simply decided to just not bother. Instead, we’re staying where we are and making the best of it. We’ve been organising, rearranging furniture, getting rid of stuff, and generally having a massive home overhaul! It’s actually made such a huge difference, and I’m so happy with it. Plus, it’s only going to get better. Next year, I plan do decorate all bar my daughter’s room, as hers was only done last year, and there’s not much left to do in the bathroom. But I want to do our bedroom, the lounge, kitchen, hall, stairs and landing. In the bathroom it just needs the woodwork glossing and probably new flooring, as my last attempt has gone slightly dodgy! (Self adhesive floor tiles….!) So, I’m pretty excited about really making this a home to be proud of.

The thought of packing up our stuff and moving again, was so overwhelming. It was stressing me out every time I thought about it. This is where our daughter knows as home, and to be honest, I wouldn’t want to unsettle her. We also have an old cat, who really struggled with moving twice in 2016, and I don’t think he’d cope well doing it all again. I’m quite worried about him as it is, as he’s not been himself recently.

So, yeah, that’s where we’re at with all that!

As for me and my health, well…. Mental health is, ugh, I don’t really know. Some days I feel like everything is all good, then others I’m just so exhausted and fed up with everything, I could just sit and cry all day. So it’s a bit up and down really. I guess it’s mostly okay though, and it’s most certainly been worse in the past. Physical health is pretty bad. I went to the endometriosis clinic last week, and the consultant was pretty convinced I do have it. She did an examination and noted it as “inconclusive”. She said she couldn’t feel or see what she’d expect to, and that was concerning. She’s sending me for an MRI, in the hopes that shows enough to diagnose. Basically to avoid surgery (laparoscopy). However, the only sure fire way of diagnosing endometriosis is via the laparoscopy. So I really don’t know ๐Ÿ˜ฆ it’s so hard, dealing with the intense pains I get, the random cycles (either super short or crazy long) and the various other things I have to deal with. Headaches, migraines, nausea, rubbish skin (practically always dry and covered in spots!). It’s hard to deal with it all sometimes. I’m also getting really achey joints and muscles for seemingly no reason. Added to that, overwhelming fatigue. To the point where if I sit still too long, I can easily fall asleep. I struggle to keep my eyes open, it’s so bad. Getting up in the mornings is like dragging a lead weight out of bed. My whole body just feels heavy and tired. I don’t know if that would endo related or something entirely different. I know that often a diagnosis of endo is accompanied by things like chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. So who knows ๐Ÿคท time will tell I suppose. I’m seeing my mental health doc on Tuesday this week and next week I’m seeing the one who referred me to the endo clinic. It’s all fun and games…. Not!

Weirdly, for me anyway!, I’m looking forward to getting the Christmas decorations up and just Christmas in general. I think it’s because we have our daughter now, and being 2 she’s more aware of what’s going on. She knows Christmas is coming and that she needs to be good etc. I want to make it as special as I can for her ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway, time to get cracking on dinner shortly, so will wrap this up now. I’ve now got the app on my phone, so writing posts isn’t so reliant on getting my laptop out! That should hopefully make it easier to post more often…. ๐Ÿคž

Hope you’ve all had a good weekend and that the coming week is a good one too! Thanks for reading X

^T.U.M^

World Mental Health Day โค๏ธ 10/10/18

World Mental Health Day โค๏ธ 10/10/18

Hey everyone,

So, as today is World Mental Health day, I thought I’d focus solely on that topic for today’s post.

For those new to my blog, I figured I’d write about my own personal experience of mental illness, and where I’m at today.

I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 16, and from then on, I’ve spent more time taking medication than not. Over the years, I developed other mental illnesses on top – anxiety (both generalised and social), body dysmorphia, OCD and health anxiety. I self harmed, a lot. I self medicated with alcohol and became pretty much a functioning alcoholic. This all manifested together, and caused a psychotic episode that lasted the best part of a year, perhaps longer. It’s a bit of a blurry, hazy time of my life to be honest. I don’t fully remember all the details, dates etc. But I know it wasn’t good. In that time, I lived a weird kind of double life, where I had a whole different world in my head, and to me it was totally real. I saw people and heard voices that weren’t there, and totally lost my sense of who I was, and my real life. This came to a head in August 2013, when I had a full breakdown. Broke down in tears at work and was sent home. Went to my GP that afternoon, and things rolled from there really. Psychiatrists, specialists, CBT, and then in April 2014, a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder. I’ve been in and out of the care of the mental health team since then; have been on suicide watch, nearly sectioned a few times and had the crisis team visit me more than once. But, I’m still here. Every time I fall down, I fight my way back up. I’ve never let my demons win. I’ve come close, believe me, but there’s always been a small shred of inner strength that’s pulled me back up.

I have a really tight support network too, which definitely helps. My husband is my rock. He’s literally seen me at my worst, and stuck by me like glue. I’m so so thankful I have him by my side. He’s saved me from myself on so many occasions. Also, my biggest protective factor, is my daughter. I fight my demons, so that she has her mummy. I know she needs me, and I need her. She’s my absolute world, and I would do anything to be well and here on earth to be her mummy. Becoming a mum changed my whole perspective on life, and whilst I still have rough times, she’s my main driving force to always get past the rough times and find my happy self again.

I’m medicated with Lamotrigine and Sertraline, which *touch wood* is working pretty well for me at the moment. Keeping me relatively stable, and there’s room in the dosages to tweak them if needs be too.

I know my mental health is something that I will battle with for my entire life. But I’m not ashamed, I’m not defined by my conditions, and 99% of the time, I’m the one in control of them. I can’t say that 1% will ever go away, but it’s something I’ve learnt to deal with now. Others around me are aware of my signs and symptoms of relapse, so can spot when I’m no longer in control, and help me to get it back.

It saddens me how much stigma and misunderstanding there is of mental health. When it’s just as important as physical health, and both need treatment. People like myself, don’t need judgement or criticism. We don’t need people telling us to “just think positive” or to “snap out of it”. Those are not in any way useful, and only make us feel worse. I can’t imagine anyone would choose to feel mentally unwell. It’s a never ending rollercoaster, that you can’t get off. Another familiar phrase we hear is “what have you got to be depressed about? There’s people worse off than you!”. Whilst yes, that may well be true, it’s not a case of a persons circumstances that cause mental illness; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it’s certainly not picky about whom it affects. You could be the richest person in the world, and still suffer from depression. Similarly, you could have nothing and feel on top of the world. Mental illness is real. It’s not something we give ourselves, we’re not contagious and we’re not a danger to anyone but ourselves. So please, don’t be afraid of someone mentally unwell. Don’t turn your back and walk away. Talk to that person. Ask them if there’s anything they can do that may help. Even if it’s just to sit with that person, in total silence, just so they don’t feel alone. If someone comes to you, with thoughts of hurting themselves, don’t ignore it. Get them somewhere safe and call 999 for help.

Sometimes, those with the biggest smiles, are those hiding the most pain. Those seemingly living life to the full, with everything going amazingly well, are the ones struggling the most behind closed doors. What people show on social media, is merely a snapshot in time. Faking a smile is pretty easy, when you have done it so many times. Putting on make up, nice clothes and doing your hair, doesn’t mean that everything is okay. We often hide behind a mask, whilst we are crying on the inside, and screaming in our head, but not making a sound. Once that photo is taken, and posted on social media, the smile will fade, the tears begin to fall and we can crumble back into that black hole of despair. Whilst everyone around us, sees that photo of a well dressed, made up, smiley happy person. They think that we’re okay, when truthfully we’re as far from okay as we can be.

But, where there is pain, there is always hope. Nothing lasts forever. The bad times will pass, and your smile will return. Maybe it won’t be as quickly as you’d like, but it’ll happen. Recovery is totally possible. Although, recovery is by no means a cure, it’s possible to live your life, and not let it control you. Never be ashamed if you take medication. Never be afraid to admit that you’re struggling. Reach out, ask for help. Talk to a friend or family, someone that you trust. You don’t have to suffer in silence and face the demons alone. There is always someone there to help and support you.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry, to scream, to shout, and to let it all out. Bottling it up only makes it worse in the long run. It will bubble away inside of you, until it reaches boiling point and you explode. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know it happens. But I also know, that even the worst times in life, can be overcome. Life can be okay again, in fact it can be great and better than before. Because once you’ve been to the lowest depths of mental illness, when you come back up, you see things in new ways. You appreciate a lot more. You stop taking things for granted. You open your eyes to new possibilities. You take chances that you wouldn’t have before. And most of all, you come back stronger. Rock bottom gives you a solid foundation, on which to rebuild yourself, and your life.

Right, I need to try and get my little monkey to go to sleep! (Been writing this post since 8pm, it’s now 10.20pm!!)

Night all x