Marching on!

Marching on!

Hello all!

So, today is March 1st. The 3rd chapter of 2020, and a chance to start fresh with a new mindset, new goals, and new ideas. My main goal this month, is to stick to the budget I set up, and make it from now until the 31st without running out of money or having bills going unpaid. I want to get on top of our financial situation and boss it, rather than it boss me. I’ve had enough of worrying about paying bills or stressing about feeding my family. I don’t want to have to resort to visiting the food bank anymore, and I don’t want to have to borrow money from friends or family to get by. I’m 35 and really should be standing on my own feet by now. I’m a mother and a wife, and whilst my health restricts me from working and earning an income, I am determined to do the best I can with what we do get. Things are finally turning around with money, and the improvement is a massive relief. I feel far less stressed, and it’s a great feeling. There’s always that element of fear and reluctance to relish the moment entirely, because I’m always afraid that it’ll all go to shit again. Anxiety is an absolute nightmare, and does tend to really hinder my life. I wish I could let go, and enjoy the fact that life is good right now. I guess it’ll always be like that for me though, but I’ll plod on like I’ve always done.

On another topic, parenting. It’s hard. Like, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Yes it’s rewarding, and I do feel truly blessed to be a mother. But, it is all consuming and utterly exhausting. Both mentally and physically. There are days, when I feel so out of my depth and overwhelmed, that I honestly don’t know how to keep going. The three year old stage has been the hardest age so far. It’s brought with it, attitude, anger, defiance, stubbornness, misbehaving on purpose, and so much more. We’ve had sleep issues, food issues, and stress levels have been well and truly off the scale. As a family, we’ve been through so much, and inevitably the strain does start to take its toll. September to December 2019, saw us battling illness after illness, and we were glad to see the back of it. But then January came around and J went back to preschool, and once again the perpetual cycle of illness started again. Added to that, the above mentioned problems, and I’m totally frazzled to the max. I know that the behaviour stuff is all part of her emotional development and she’s learning constantly, how to manage her behaviour, what’s appropriate and what’s not, boundaries, and all of that. I realise it’s probably just as hard for her, as it is for us, if not more so. It must be so hard to process it all and make sense of it in her head. I do my best to guide her, reassure her, and be there for her. But there are times I feel I’m less than what I should be. I lose my temper far more often than I’d like. I say things I instantly regret. And it makes me feel utterly awful and like a total failure. I feel like I’m letting her down, and not doing the best for her as I should be. I question myself every day, and beat myself up over the most ridiculous things. In her eyes though, I’m her world. Her safe place, her comfort, her support, and she loves me unconditionally. I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is hard though, especially when I’m tired, or in pain. It all gets very draining and my brain feels fried by the end of the day.

It’s hard to comprehend that J will be 4 in just over 4 months. Then starting in reception class in about 6 months. It feels like time is flying by and I wish sometimes I could slow it down. As my first and last child, I’m trying to relish everything, all the new milestones and achievements, and moments I know we won’t have again. I know it’ll all be worth it, and I’m sure J will grow up into an amazing woman. I’m so proud of her and love her more than words could ever convey. She may drive me to my limits, push my buttons and deprive me of sleep, but this won’t last forever. So for now, I’ll make the most of every moment, every cuddle, every “love you mumma” and try to be kinder to myself, as I’m doing the best I can.

Much love,

X

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

Good evening all!

I’ve decided to keep this blog running, to see if I can bring it back to life! I hope this post finds you all well? Myself, not so much! I literally feel like I’m falling apart! I’ve had several new diagnoses this year already, and potentially adding another to it. I’m currently waiting on blood test results, as they think I may be heading back down the road of chronic fatigue syndrome, like I had in my early 20s. I’ve also got high blood pressure, which is likely due to my weight and stress levels lately. 2019 wasn’t the best year for us, so many things went wrong, in some cases catastrophically. Financially we seriously struggled, but we’re slowly building ourselves back up, and I’m hopeful of getting back into a better position where money is concerned. I’m making changes to the way we do things, prioritising bills etc, and really trying to keep track of where our money goes. Literally every penny is being accounted for! I’ll openly admit that I’ve never been good with money, it’s been an issue for me since I was old enough to work and earn it. I’d often spend it before I’d got it, and payday saw it hit and leave my bank account simultaneously! But back then I lived with my grandparents, and didn’t have all the responsibility that I do now. Adulting can surely suck sometimes haha. I’m determined to get it under control and be fully organised with it all. I’ll keep you posted on that one, fingers crossed for me!!

We’ve also been dealing with a threenager, and honestly, it’s been the hardest age so far. I think we got off very lightly with the so called ‘Terrible twos!’ and we’re paying for it now! We’ve had lots of issues with sleep, patience, listening, and just behaviours in general. The good generally outweighs the bad thankfully, but in that moment when it’s bad, I genuinely despair and don’t know how we’ll get through it and out the other side. I’ve been pretty brutal on myself, very self critical, and blamed myself for so many things. I’ve regretted things I’ve said or done so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve found myself literally having to walk out of the house, just to get that moment to myself to calm and step back from the situation, otherwise I think I’d completely lose myself. I’ve had some very low times, where I’ve felt so lost and depressed, that I’ve shut down and genuinely been a horrible person to be around. I try my hardest to put on the brave face and all that, but it does get hard to sometimes. I don’t want J picking up on it too much though, as I know it’ll affect her negatively.

Aside from the struggles we’re having, she’s truly flourishing in other ways. Since starting preschool last September, she’s learning and developing at such a pace, I can’t keep up! Her speech and language has gotten so good, you can have a fairly good conversation with her, and she’s able to communicate her needs etc, which makes things alot easier in certain areas! She’s coming out of herself, her confidence is growing and she’s very keen to learn and try new things. She loves everything creative, like drawing, colouring, dancing, singing and making music. She has the most incredible imagination, and sometimes it’s like she goes into her own little bubble, making up scenarios and characters, and having little adventures with her dinosaurs, animals and dolls. It’s so lovely to watch. Preschool say she’s a wonderful child to have, and that she has a very caring and kind nature. They say she’s above average in some key areas of the EYFS, which makes us super proud! She’s also pretty much potty training herself! We’ve let her lead the way the whole time, so that she does things when she is ready. I won’t push her into doing things, as that makes her less keen on doing them. Whereas when she initiates things, she feels in control and it goes so much smoother and it’s less stressful all round! I don’t think it’ll be too much longer before she’s fully cracked it, as she’s doing so well with it currently. A few accidents here and there, but for the first week being out of nappies, she’s bossing it!

I still can’t comprehend the fact that in just over 5 months, she will be 4 years old, and then starting reception at primary school in September! Time seems to have just flown by, and I often wish I could slow it down or even pause it a while, to savour the moments more and relish in the adventures we have. I know I can’t though, so I’m really trying to make the most of every minute, make memories, and have lots of fun with our sweet girl. She’s going to do amazing things in her future, and I’m excited for her!

Right, there’s things I need to get done this evening, and I’m feeling pretty tired, so will sign off now. I really hope I can get this blog back up where it was all those months ago!

Take care all, and have a great weekend!

Mumma7716 x

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Hey everyone,

I’ve got to apologise once again, for being missing in action for so long!! Everytime I’ve thought “I’ll get a blog post up tonight”, something has cropped up, or I’ve fallen asleep, or other such things have occurred. Its frustrating, but that’s life I suppose!!

So, a bit of a catch up is once again due!

I should really read my last post before posting new ones, but I never do πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ so I also apologise if I repeat myself!

If I remember rightly, the last post was shortly after I was really unwell and taken to hospital by ambulance. It took a fair while to recover from that, which was pretty frustrating. But thankfully, I’m pretty much back to normal; well normal for me anyway!

I’ve since seen the neurology consultant, who said he feels that it was a one off, and not as a result of anything sinister going on in my brain, or epilepsy. Which is a relief. He did send me for a CT brain scan, which I had yesterday, just to make sure all is good in there. He said he would write to me with the results, and what, if any, further action needs to happen. If the scan is fine, then I’ve no need to go back to see him. I also had my full body bone scan yesterday. It was a seriously long day at the hospital. I arrived at around 10.30am, and didn’t leave until about 6pm. Getting home at just before 7pm! The bone scan was what took the longest, as it involved having an injection at 12pm (although my appointment time was 11.15!) And then waiting until 3.30pm for the scan. To allow the radioactive stuff to get into my bones. So boring on my own! Had lunch at Costa, and then wandered about for what felt like forever. Sat in the outpatients garden for a bit too, and read a book. Finally got to 3pm and I headed back up to the nuclear medicine department for the scan. The scan took about 30 minutes, which wasn’t so bad. I left that department around 4pm. Then had to pass the time once again, until 5.45pm for the CT scan! Which thankfully, I was seen 5 minutes early and was out and on the bus by 6pm! Longest. Day. Ever. I was utterly exhausted by the time I got home, and still feel pretty drained today! But glad they’re both done! Now the waiting for the results…. ugh.

Can’t recall if I mentioned having the Mirena Coil put in, in my last post. But I finally gave in and went through with it. Seriously painful procedure (for me anyway, some women don’t feel a thing!). Made me feel quite unwell for a day or 2, and very bad cramps on and off too. But once it had settled, it’s not been too bad. Hopefully it’ll be a positive thing and make life with Endometriosis a bit easier! Am back to see the gynae consultant in May, so we shall see what’s going to happen next, if anything.

2nd of April, I’m having an MRIS on my joints. Not much looking forward to that. The MRI machine is so loud and claustrophobic, so I struggle with that. But hopefully it’ll be okay. That’s the 2nd test that the rheumatology consultant requested. First being the bone scan. Not seeing him until August though, unless the results require me to go sooner. Yet again, another waiting game!

I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow to check in and update her on what’s been going on. Then next week, I’ve got dentist for a filling to be drilled out and redone. I just need a break from treatments, tests, scans, doctors, hospitals….everything! I’m so tired and done with it all now. Feel like I’m falling apart piece by piece! At the age of 34…. oh the joys!

Anyways, I’m gonna go chill out now for a bit before heading off to bed. I’ll be back fairly soon, as I’m guest writing for education.com again! Was asked a few weeks back if I’d like to write for them again, and of course said yes! But with one thing and another, I’m yet to actually do the post! πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ it’s on my to-do list for this weekend! Hopefully!!

Thanks for reading, hope you’re all having a good week!! X

Untitled ramblings.

Untitled ramblings.

It’s just gone 1am, and my mind is a hive of activity. Despite being so overwhelmingly tired and should really get to bed, I just can’t stop my mind from overthinking and over analysing stuff.

The last couple of days, have been so hard. Depression is genuinely crushing me, to the point where sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Getting up in the morning is still a struggle, although a lot of that is down to lack of sleep, but also because I just cannot be bothered to be an adult. Add to that the aches and pains all over my body, and I just feel shit. All the time. I hobble around, as if I’m an OAP sometimes, and I’m getting so fed up with it.

Today I built a toddler bed for our daughter, in the vain hope that it would help with our issues of getting her to sleep at night. Nope. Still an utter shit storm of stress and frustration all round. She finally gave in at around midnight. I was tempted to then just crawl into bed myself, but I just needed some time to sit, zone out in front of the TV, not do anything much at all. Then my brain just kicks into overdrive, the self doubt floods in and the critical thinking jumps on board too. The “I’m a shit mum” and “you have no idea what the f**k you’re doing” are the most prominent. As well as the overwhelming urges to self harm or worse. It’s been over 4 years since I last self harmed, and in that time, I’ve never had such a strong, demanding urge in my head, to do it, like I have right now. I do my best to distract myself, but it’s like a constant niggle in the back of my mind, on and on and on. Telling me to do it. Over and over again. I know that if I do, I’ll be so disappointed in myself and full of guilt. But at the same time, I keep thinking, just the once won’t do any harm, and then maybe the urges will stop. And then I think, but what if they don’t stop? What if I keep getting them and keep acting on them, over and over, until…. too much. I’m honestly at a loss.

I’m trying my hardest to keep my head above water, but it feels like I’m walking in lead boots through treacle. Every step gets harder, and I’m constantly battling to keep standing. I feel like I’m sinking more and more every day. I need a month of sleep. I literally just want to hibernate right now.

I’m sorry for all the negativity, but I’m adamant I’ll always keep it real, raw and honest. There’s no use pretending or hiding behind a fake smile. Its exhausting enough as it is, without holding up a pretense too. I’m worn out. And clinging on by my fingertips. Scared that my fingers will just let go….

X

Real, raw and honest….

Real, raw and honest….

Feeling pretty pants tonight if I’m honest; still full of cold/flu germs, and despite a pretty chilled day, I’m just so drained and exhausted. All we did today was have baths, and I changed the beds. But its wiped me out. Have only just got J to bed and asleep (11.20pm!!) after a failed attempt earlier on. She has been up and on the go since 8.45am this morning! How she kept going, is beyond me! No nap either…. toddlers eh?! Hoping to feel a bit less “ugh” tomorrow. Am so bored, tired and fed up with always being poorly.

I often feel like my body just hates me πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ if it’s not my brain chemicals causing me issues, it’s my immune system not coping, resulting in me getting a virus or infection; Or my joints aching, swelling or stiffening up like they’ve been filled with concrete, making simple tasks like walking near on impossible; or feeling like my insides are trying to claw their way out…. it never ends! There is always something happening that I have to deal with. Whilst trying my best to be a mum, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a friend…. and generally just adulting. Some days are harder than others, and I get the very rare odd day here and there, where I’m 90% feeling alright….! No two days are really the same though, and I can go to bed feeling okay, and wake up feeling horrendous, or vice versa. It’s all very unpredictable and I think that’s what makes it so frustrating! Never knowing what curve ball will be thrown at me next, and wondering if I’ll have the energy to dodge it, or if it’ll hit me square in the face and knock me down again. Mental health and physical health, go hand in hand. One can’t function without the other, and so many don’t seem to understand that. Mental illness can make you feel physically unwell too, and likewise, being physically unwell can make you feel down and depressed too. Especially when its relentless, one thing after another.

But, I take each day as it comes. A new day, to try again, to fight again, and to do what I need to, to get through it. I make the most of the good times, and repeat “this too shall pass” through the bad. I take the ups with the downs, and live my best life as much as possible. Its important to live for today, always. Because the past is gone, dwelling on it is pointless, as is worrying about the future. They are two times that can’t be changed or predicted, so focus on the here and now. Live fully in each moment and never take anything or anyone for granted. Life is far too short, don’t let it pass you by. Make it count.

Much love, and good night! X

Living my best life….

Living my best life….

Hey peeps,

My regular day for posting was going to be Sundays, but I felt the need to write today, so here I am!

Today has been a crazy day, starting with a new tattoo (covering up 2 old ones), an epic fall out with someone I thought was a friend, a cheeky toddler who refused to go to bed, and making amends with a former enemy…. at least 2 of those things were totally unexpected!

Here’s the new ink:

It’s a larkspur flower, which is the birth flower of July, the month my daughter was born πŸ™‚ it covered 2 old tattoos, which over time have lost their significance and it was time for something new. I’m so happy with it, although 2 hours in the chair, was pretty intense. It’s really sore now, as expected, but it’s totally worth it. I have however found out I’m allergic to the aftercare stuff I bought – tattoo goo. So have gone back to my old faithful bepanthen! Had heard such good things about the tattoo goo stuff that I thought it was a good idea. But after washing it with the soap stuff, and applying the lotion a couple of times, it was literally like I’d set fire to my arm! It was so painful, and nothing like the usual fresh ink pain I’ve had in the past! So, I washed it with plain water and put some bepanthen on it, and its settled down thankfully. Still pretty tender, but nothing more than I’m used to!

As for the friend, who is no longer one, well she was slagging me off on a public Facebook page; although she didn’t mention my name, it was so obvious who she was referring to. She then tried to deny it when I confronted her, and then deleted the comment completely. Guilty conscience much?! So yeah, she’s out of my life for good. I don’t need people like that, who can so easily pass judgement and slag off their ‘friends’! She’s always been a bit judgemental, but I certainly didn’t expect her to turn on me like that. But hey ho, life goes on and I’m past caring what people think of me, so ultimately she can take the high jump! C ya! Haha.

Thanks to some moron parked up near us, revving his engine to the point where it nearly blew up, and playing loud distorted music, J refused to go to sleep at bedtime. She eventually went down and was asleep by about 10.30pm. Only 3 hours late…. she’s cute though, so I’ll let her off!

And the last thing, making amends with people I never expected to, but somehow I’m okay and feeling quite relieved about. Hopefully it all continues to be civil and good from here on…. 🀞

So in conclusion, and to reference to the title of this post, I’m determined to live my best life. Do what’s best for my daughter, my husband and myself. Everyone else can sort their own shit out. Another thing I forgot to mention above, was being accused of interfering by a family member, when in actual fact I was trying to help and support them through a tough time. But as always, I get it thrown back at me, and it subsequently makes me feel like shit. I try to do my bit to help out, but I literally don’t know why I bother anymore. So I’ve drawn the line, and I’m not going to bother anymore. Which will still be wrong….but sod it. Life is for living, and that’s what I plan to do.

Also, we had confirmation of a pre-school place for September for our little miss! It’s quite overwhelming and emotional for me, but I just know she’ll be fine and really flourish and benefit from it. Just hope I can hold it together at the first drop off….

Anyway, time for a wash of the ink, some more bepanthen, take my meds, and chill. I’m utterly exhausted, bed time soon too probably!!

Live the life you love, love the life you live.

Goodnight x

^T.U.M^ β™‘β™‘

The struggle is real!

The struggle is real!

Today has been a whole truck load of epic shit. Started far too early at around 4am, and didn’t really improve much. Literally every part of my body hurts. I feel utterly exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally…. it feels like 1 more push, and I’ll drop over the edge. A breakdown isn’t far away, and it scares me. I hope, with every ounce of strength I can muster, that I can claw my way back up before it consumes me.

The saving grace after such a shitty day, was when my beautiful daughter, said clearly and fully pronounced “I love you mummy”, then fell asleep whilst holding my hand. My heart literally melted like an ice cube in a frying pan. Tears filled my eyes, and I felt so much love and all the shit of the day just melted away into a distant memory. I may be struggling, but I’ll keep fighting as hard as I can, to keep afloat and not fall completely. I need to, for my baby girl.

Tomorrow, we’re visiting a pre-school, and I feel super emotional about it. I know the time will come eventually, but I really wish it wasn’t so soon. It feels like the past 2 and a half years have flown by, and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a beautiful little human, with so much love to give. I know she’ll love the experience of pre-school and making friends, learning and having fun. It’ll be me that’s an emotional mess, leaving my baby in the care of someone else. I’ve never left her with anyone except her daddy. She’s my precious girl, and no matter how tired or stressed I am, I’m better when she’s with me. My anxiety when we’re apart for any length of time, is quite frankly horrible. Its completely irrational probably, but she’s literally my everything and I just hate being away from her. I feel like a totally shit mum sometimes, when I get ratty and cross with her, but I hope she understands as she gets older, that it’s only because I care about her so so much. I do my best, always. Everything I do, every breath I take, is for her. Shes the reason I wake up in the mornings (quite literally!) and the reason I will never stop fighting my demons, no matter how hard they try to kick my ass.

I’m determined to give my daughter the best possible life. She’s so deserving of it, and I’ll make sure it happens, no matter what. I don’t care if I have to go without things or sacrifice anything for her sake, she’s totally worth it.

My first, my last, my everything. I love her to the moon and back, with every beat of my heart, that love grows stronger.

^T.U.M^