Marching on!

Marching on!

Hello all!

So, today is March 1st. The 3rd chapter of 2020, and a chance to start fresh with a new mindset, new goals, and new ideas. My main goal this month, is to stick to the budget I set up, and make it from now until the 31st without running out of money or having bills going unpaid. I want to get on top of our financial situation and boss it, rather than it boss me. I’ve had enough of worrying about paying bills or stressing about feeding my family. I don’t want to have to resort to visiting the food bank anymore, and I don’t want to have to borrow money from friends or family to get by. I’m 35 and really should be standing on my own feet by now. I’m a mother and a wife, and whilst my health restricts me from working and earning an income, I am determined to do the best I can with what we do get. Things are finally turning around with money, and the improvement is a massive relief. I feel far less stressed, and it’s a great feeling. There’s always that element of fear and reluctance to relish the moment entirely, because I’m always afraid that it’ll all go to shit again. Anxiety is an absolute nightmare, and does tend to really hinder my life. I wish I could let go, and enjoy the fact that life is good right now. I guess it’ll always be like that for me though, but I’ll plod on like I’ve always done.

On another topic, parenting. It’s hard. Like, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Yes it’s rewarding, and I do feel truly blessed to be a mother. But, it is all consuming and utterly exhausting. Both mentally and physically. There are days, when I feel so out of my depth and overwhelmed, that I honestly don’t know how to keep going. The three year old stage has been the hardest age so far. It’s brought with it, attitude, anger, defiance, stubbornness, misbehaving on purpose, and so much more. We’ve had sleep issues, food issues, and stress levels have been well and truly off the scale. As a family, we’ve been through so much, and inevitably the strain does start to take its toll. September to December 2019, saw us battling illness after illness, and we were glad to see the back of it. But then January came around and J went back to preschool, and once again the perpetual cycle of illness started again. Added to that, the above mentioned problems, and I’m totally frazzled to the max. I know that the behaviour stuff is all part of her emotional development and she’s learning constantly, how to manage her behaviour, what’s appropriate and what’s not, boundaries, and all of that. I realise it’s probably just as hard for her, as it is for us, if not more so. It must be so hard to process it all and make sense of it in her head. I do my best to guide her, reassure her, and be there for her. But there are times I feel I’m less than what I should be. I lose my temper far more often than I’d like. I say things I instantly regret. And it makes me feel utterly awful and like a total failure. I feel like I’m letting her down, and not doing the best for her as I should be. I question myself every day, and beat myself up over the most ridiculous things. In her eyes though, I’m her world. Her safe place, her comfort, her support, and she loves me unconditionally. I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is hard though, especially when I’m tired, or in pain. It all gets very draining and my brain feels fried by the end of the day.

It’s hard to comprehend that J will be 4 in just over 4 months. Then starting in reception class in about 6 months. It feels like time is flying by and I wish sometimes I could slow it down. As my first and last child, I’m trying to relish everything, all the new milestones and achievements, and moments I know we won’t have again. I know it’ll all be worth it, and I’m sure J will grow up into an amazing woman. I’m so proud of her and love her more than words could ever convey. She may drive me to my limits, push my buttons and deprive me of sleep, but this won’t last forever. So for now, I’ll make the most of every moment, every cuddle, every “love you mumma” and try to be kinder to myself, as I’m doing the best I can.

Much love,

X

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

Good evening all!

I’ve decided to keep this blog running, to see if I can bring it back to life! I hope this post finds you all well? Myself, not so much! I literally feel like I’m falling apart! I’ve had several new diagnoses this year already, and potentially adding another to it. I’m currently waiting on blood test results, as they think I may be heading back down the road of chronic fatigue syndrome, like I had in my early 20s. I’ve also got high blood pressure, which is likely due to my weight and stress levels lately. 2019 wasn’t the best year for us, so many things went wrong, in some cases catastrophically. Financially we seriously struggled, but we’re slowly building ourselves back up, and I’m hopeful of getting back into a better position where money is concerned. I’m making changes to the way we do things, prioritising bills etc, and really trying to keep track of where our money goes. Literally every penny is being accounted for! I’ll openly admit that I’ve never been good with money, it’s been an issue for me since I was old enough to work and earn it. I’d often spend it before I’d got it, and payday saw it hit and leave my bank account simultaneously! But back then I lived with my grandparents, and didn’t have all the responsibility that I do now. Adulting can surely suck sometimes haha. I’m determined to get it under control and be fully organised with it all. I’ll keep you posted on that one, fingers crossed for me!!

We’ve also been dealing with a threenager, and honestly, it’s been the hardest age so far. I think we got off very lightly with the so called ‘Terrible twos!’ and we’re paying for it now! We’ve had lots of issues with sleep, patience, listening, and just behaviours in general. The good generally outweighs the bad thankfully, but in that moment when it’s bad, I genuinely despair and don’t know how we’ll get through it and out the other side. I’ve been pretty brutal on myself, very self critical, and blamed myself for so many things. I’ve regretted things I’ve said or done so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve found myself literally having to walk out of the house, just to get that moment to myself to calm and step back from the situation, otherwise I think I’d completely lose myself. I’ve had some very low times, where I’ve felt so lost and depressed, that I’ve shut down and genuinely been a horrible person to be around. I try my hardest to put on the brave face and all that, but it does get hard to sometimes. I don’t want J picking up on it too much though, as I know it’ll affect her negatively.

Aside from the struggles we’re having, she’s truly flourishing in other ways. Since starting preschool last September, she’s learning and developing at such a pace, I can’t keep up! Her speech and language has gotten so good, you can have a fairly good conversation with her, and she’s able to communicate her needs etc, which makes things alot easier in certain areas! She’s coming out of herself, her confidence is growing and she’s very keen to learn and try new things. She loves everything creative, like drawing, colouring, dancing, singing and making music. She has the most incredible imagination, and sometimes it’s like she goes into her own little bubble, making up scenarios and characters, and having little adventures with her dinosaurs, animals and dolls. It’s so lovely to watch. Preschool say she’s a wonderful child to have, and that she has a very caring and kind nature. They say she’s above average in some key areas of the EYFS, which makes us super proud! She’s also pretty much potty training herself! We’ve let her lead the way the whole time, so that she does things when she is ready. I won’t push her into doing things, as that makes her less keen on doing them. Whereas when she initiates things, she feels in control and it goes so much smoother and it’s less stressful all round! I don’t think it’ll be too much longer before she’s fully cracked it, as she’s doing so well with it currently. A few accidents here and there, but for the first week being out of nappies, she’s bossing it!

I still can’t comprehend the fact that in just over 5 months, she will be 4 years old, and then starting reception at primary school in September! Time seems to have just flown by, and I often wish I could slow it down or even pause it a while, to savour the moments more and relish in the adventures we have. I know I can’t though, so I’m really trying to make the most of every minute, make memories, and have lots of fun with our sweet girl. She’s going to do amazing things in her future, and I’m excited for her!

Right, there’s things I need to get done this evening, and I’m feeling pretty tired, so will sign off now. I really hope I can get this blog back up where it was all those months ago!

Take care all, and have a great weekend!

Mumma7716 x

Family, life and thoughts….

Family, life and thoughts….

Hi all, apologies for the radio silence once again, days seem to just fly by and I can’t keep up. Things have been pretty hectic with one thing and another, but thought I’d pop in a post whilst I had a spare few minutes!!

So, today, I’m talking about family. Because just lately, I’ve felt so blessed to have my family. People who love and care about me, and I’d genuinely be lost without them.

Family isn’t always about blood relations. It comes in all shapes and sizes. Theres family by marriage, and family by choice too. Like friends for example. Those you’ve known for longer than you can remember, and are like family to you. They know everything about you, and you’d trust them with everything you have. I have several really close friends, who are like brothers and sisters to me. They’ve all got my back, and I theirs.

It’s a shame that certain members of my family by blood, don’t want to be a part of mine. But I’ve come to accept that, and living life to the full without them. I won’t chase those who don’t want to know me, as there’s just no point. It’s a waste of my energy, that I can focus upon those who do want to know me. Despite it all, I still gained 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and some cousins. So it’s not all bad. Ultimately, for those who don’t want to know, it’s their loss, not mine. I lived my life for 33 years without them in it, so there is no doubt I can continue to do so. There’s a vast difference between needing and wanting people in your life. I wanted them in my life, but I don’t need them. It may sound harsh, but it’s true.

I often feel kind of sad about it, because in the beginning it was brilliant. We all got on like we had never been apart. But it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess it’s true what they say about leaving the past in the past, and there’s no point dwelling on it. I succeeded in what I set out to do, that’s what’s important.

My immediate family (daughter and husband) are my everything. The reason I get up in the mornings, despite all the pains and low moods. They’re the reason I carry on fighting, day after day, because they need me, just as much as I need them. My daughter is growing up so so fast, and I’m scared I’ll blink and miss it. She is 3 in just over a month, and then off to preschool in September. I’m still struggling to really get my head around that, and still think back to the early days when she was a tiny baby, fully dependant on me for everything. Of course she is still pretty dependant on me now, but in a totally different way. She loves to be independent, and is constantly pushing and trying to be more so. If you try to help her, you often get told no, she will do it. She’s quite feisty and strong willed, and stubborn just like me! She makes me so proud every single day, of her, but also of myself. I feel so lucky to have been pregnant and given birth to such a beautiful little human. I may hate my body, and how I look, but it did a damn good job of growing a human. And for that, I’m proud. I feel sad for those who struggle or never even get to experience that, and can totally understand the pain and upset it causes. I thought it would never happen for us, and just when I’d about given up all hope, I was pregnant. The most terrifying and exhilarating feeling I’ve ever felt.

In some ways, I miss pregnancy, all those exciting times like scans, first kicks, hearing baby’s heartbeat etc. I miss my bump too, it made me feel genuinely beautiful, and I loved watching it grow. Although not so much the aches and pains that came with it! But it was all worth it, every part of it, to have my precious child.

I’ll leave you all with a few last thoughts for the day: Cherish every single moment with your family, never miss an opportunity to tell them you love them or give them a hug. You never know what tomorrow may bring, life is far shorter than you think. Don’t take for granted anyone, or anything. Because you could lose it quicker than you realise. While you’re wanting more, you’re missing what you already have. Live life for the now, don’t dwell on the past, and the future will take care of itself.
X

Worst 5 days ever.

Worst 5 days ever.

Hey everyone,

Huge apologies for not writing for a while. With one thing and another, its just not happened. I won’t recap on too much, as I’d be here all night, and quite frankly don’t have the energy to do so.

The last 5 days have utterly broken me. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I’m drained. I’ll start from day 1 –

Friday, 20th April: it was evening, and I was in the kitchen, washing up, and my nan called. So stopped to talk to her. Hubby and J were playing in the lounge, J was running around like she always does. And then bang. And an ear piercing scream. I hear hubby say ‘Oh my God’ and he appeared at the kitchen door, holding J, and she was covered in blood. I instantly panicked and told my nan I had to go and hung up on her. Took J from hubby as she wanted me, and checked her over. Thankfully no broken or knocked out teeth, but 2 big holes in her bottom lip. So much blood, and it didn’t seem to want to stop. Hubby called 111, and they said they were sending an ambulance. But then about 20 minutes later, ambulance control called and said there was a 3hr wait, and that it would be quicker for us to take her in ourselves. So off we went. Spent a good couple of hours there, eventually getting home around 11pm. J was asleep by 11.30pm and we collapsed in our chairs and had a cuppa, then headed off to bed too. Exhausted and emotional.

Saturday, 21st April: J woke, and was obviously in pain bless her. So she had calpol etc and we got on with the day as best we could. Hubby’s parents visited in the afternoon, and we took J out to the communal garden for a run around. All was going well, she was having a great time with her nana. Then she fell over, on concrete. Grazing, cutting and bruising her knees quite badly, as she was wearing shorts that day. I had to put plasters on her knees to ‘make better mummy’, as everytime she looked at them she broke down in tears. Once they were covered she semi forgot about it. Another day, another worrying time.

Thankfully, Sunday and Monday passed without much going on. J went to bed as usual last night (Monday) and crashed out, as we had been for a play at the local park in the afternoon, which she had loved and had lots of fun. Now here’s where it gets even worse….

Today, Tuesday 23rd April: J woke up at around 6am, calling for me. Which instantly caused me some concern, as normally if she wakes she just comes through and gets into our bed. She was freezing cold, but wouldn’t let me put the duvet back over her. She then followed me to the bathroom, and I said shall we go have cuddles in mummy and daddys bed. She said no, and went back in her room, and laid on the floor. I called hubby, as I was getting more concerned as clearly something wasn’t right. She wandered around upstairs like she was in a daze or still asleep. Was sick a couple of times, just like phlegm really. She kept trying to hold it back, which was making her feel worse and prolonging it. We managed to get her downstairs, she didn’t want her usual bottle. She was still very much out of sorts, and was vomiting every half hour to an hour, the same phlegmy type stuff. At 8am, we called the doctors, as we wanted to get her checked out. Whilst hubby was sat on hold to them, I popped upstairs to get J some clothes, anticipating a trip to the doctors surgery. I then hear hubby running up the stairs, calling my name. He very rarely calls me by my name these days, its normally mummy. So I knew something was happening. He told me he couldn’t wake her. She had been sick again, then laid down on the floor, and fell asleep. He just had a feeling that something wasn’t right, so he tried to wake her. But couldn’t. Which was when he called for me. I came rushing down the stairs, and saw my sweet girl, lifeless on the floor. I felt sick with worry and panic, and it felt like my heart stopped and then hit the floor. I tried to wake her, shaking her, calling her name, all the nicknames I have for her, and was getting nothing. Put my hand on her chest and was relieved to feel she was still breathing, but she was so pale, almost grey. I told hubby to sod the doctors, just call 999 and I kept trying to wake her. It took a good 3 or 4 minutes to get a response, and then she kind of dropped in and out of sleep/consciousness. She then rolled on her side and vomited again. This time it was bright yellow. The first response paramedics arrived first, and started checking her over and asking us what had been happening. She was more alert by this point thankfully, but still obviously not right. A couple of minutes later, the ambulance crew arrived as well. Poor J looked a little bewildered as she looked around the room, as there were 4 paramedics, as well as me and hubby. The paramedics thought it was best to take her down to A&E for a full check over and to see the paediatric doctors. So I gathered what we needed, and went down to the ambulance with J. Hubby locked up and followed in the car, so that we had a way of getting home! It felt like the longest journey ever. On arrival, the paramedic booked her in, and we went round to the paediatric emergency department. I was so glad to see my hubby in the door way looking around for us. J was weighed, and we were shown to the room where she was going to be in. It feels like a bit of a blur for the most part, but she was constantly checked, and had to pass a fluid challenge (basically drink a full 200ml of Diaoralyte solution and keep it down). She also had some paracetamol too. As time went on, the more she drank, the more she perked up and began to be more like her usual self. After 3hrs of obs and keeping fluids down, we were allowed home. She dozed a little in the car on the way home, but then perked up when she was back in familiar surroundings. Over the afternoon, she grazed on things like crisps, cereal, crackers etc. And was thankfully drinking well too. And was more and more like her normal self. She had more calpol and went off to bed around 8pm, asleep by about 8.20pm. I’m keeping everything crossed, that we have a good night and she wakes up all good in the morning.

3 things in 5 days, is quite enough!! I honestly don’t think I can cope with anymore.

Right, time for some chilling and then hopefully sleeping…. X

Living my best life….

Living my best life….

Hey peeps,

My regular day for posting was going to be Sundays, but I felt the need to write today, so here I am!

Today has been a crazy day, starting with a new tattoo (covering up 2 old ones), an epic fall out with someone I thought was a friend, a cheeky toddler who refused to go to bed, and making amends with a former enemy…. at least 2 of those things were totally unexpected!

Here’s the new ink:

It’s a larkspur flower, which is the birth flower of July, the month my daughter was born πŸ™‚ it covered 2 old tattoos, which over time have lost their significance and it was time for something new. I’m so happy with it, although 2 hours in the chair, was pretty intense. It’s really sore now, as expected, but it’s totally worth it. I have however found out I’m allergic to the aftercare stuff I bought – tattoo goo. So have gone back to my old faithful bepanthen! Had heard such good things about the tattoo goo stuff that I thought it was a good idea. But after washing it with the soap stuff, and applying the lotion a couple of times, it was literally like I’d set fire to my arm! It was so painful, and nothing like the usual fresh ink pain I’ve had in the past! So, I washed it with plain water and put some bepanthen on it, and its settled down thankfully. Still pretty tender, but nothing more than I’m used to!

As for the friend, who is no longer one, well she was slagging me off on a public Facebook page; although she didn’t mention my name, it was so obvious who she was referring to. She then tried to deny it when I confronted her, and then deleted the comment completely. Guilty conscience much?! So yeah, she’s out of my life for good. I don’t need people like that, who can so easily pass judgement and slag off their ‘friends’! She’s always been a bit judgemental, but I certainly didn’t expect her to turn on me like that. But hey ho, life goes on and I’m past caring what people think of me, so ultimately she can take the high jump! C ya! Haha.

Thanks to some moron parked up near us, revving his engine to the point where it nearly blew up, and playing loud distorted music, J refused to go to sleep at bedtime. She eventually went down and was asleep by about 10.30pm. Only 3 hours late…. she’s cute though, so I’ll let her off!

And the last thing, making amends with people I never expected to, but somehow I’m okay and feeling quite relieved about. Hopefully it all continues to be civil and good from here on…. 🀞

So in conclusion, and to reference to the title of this post, I’m determined to live my best life. Do what’s best for my daughter, my husband and myself. Everyone else can sort their own shit out. Another thing I forgot to mention above, was being accused of interfering by a family member, when in actual fact I was trying to help and support them through a tough time. But as always, I get it thrown back at me, and it subsequently makes me feel like shit. I try to do my bit to help out, but I literally don’t know why I bother anymore. So I’ve drawn the line, and I’m not going to bother anymore. Which will still be wrong….but sod it. Life is for living, and that’s what I plan to do.

Also, we had confirmation of a pre-school place for September for our little miss! It’s quite overwhelming and emotional for me, but I just know she’ll be fine and really flourish and benefit from it. Just hope I can hold it together at the first drop off….

Anyway, time for a wash of the ink, some more bepanthen, take my meds, and chill. I’m utterly exhausted, bed time soon too probably!!

Live the life you love, love the life you live.

Goodnight x

^T.U.M^ β™‘β™‘

The struggle is real!

The struggle is real!

Today has been a whole truck load of epic shit. Started far too early at around 4am, and didn’t really improve much. Literally every part of my body hurts. I feel utterly exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally…. it feels like 1 more push, and I’ll drop over the edge. A breakdown isn’t far away, and it scares me. I hope, with every ounce of strength I can muster, that I can claw my way back up before it consumes me.

The saving grace after such a shitty day, was when my beautiful daughter, said clearly and fully pronounced “I love you mummy”, then fell asleep whilst holding my hand. My heart literally melted like an ice cube in a frying pan. Tears filled my eyes, and I felt so much love and all the shit of the day just melted away into a distant memory. I may be struggling, but I’ll keep fighting as hard as I can, to keep afloat and not fall completely. I need to, for my baby girl.

Tomorrow, we’re visiting a pre-school, and I feel super emotional about it. I know the time will come eventually, but I really wish it wasn’t so soon. It feels like the past 2 and a half years have flown by, and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a beautiful little human, with so much love to give. I know she’ll love the experience of pre-school and making friends, learning and having fun. It’ll be me that’s an emotional mess, leaving my baby in the care of someone else. I’ve never left her with anyone except her daddy. She’s my precious girl, and no matter how tired or stressed I am, I’m better when she’s with me. My anxiety when we’re apart for any length of time, is quite frankly horrible. Its completely irrational probably, but she’s literally my everything and I just hate being away from her. I feel like a totally shit mum sometimes, when I get ratty and cross with her, but I hope she understands as she gets older, that it’s only because I care about her so so much. I do my best, always. Everything I do, every breath I take, is for her. Shes the reason I wake up in the mornings (quite literally!) and the reason I will never stop fighting my demons, no matter how hard they try to kick my ass.

I’m determined to give my daughter the best possible life. She’s so deserving of it, and I’ll make sure it happens, no matter what. I don’t care if I have to go without things or sacrifice anything for her sake, she’s totally worth it.

My first, my last, my everything. I love her to the moon and back, with every beat of my heart, that love grows stronger.

^T.U.M^

My favourite tiny human….

My favourite tiny human….

….Is of course, my daughter. Who is officially 2 and a half years old as of yesterday, (7.1.19).

When I realised this yesterday, whilst out and about, it made me so emotional. I really had to fight with myself to keep my emotions under control in public!! To comprehend the fact that in 6 months, I’ll have a 3 year old, is really hard. I’ve been a mother 2 and a half years, and I’m honestly still winging it every single day πŸ˜‚ I doubt I’m the only parent to say that either. Parenthood is a crazy ride, where you’re constantly learning and it’s often quite a wild adventure. But, I honestly love it. Yes, there’s crappy times of worry and stress (illness, misbehaviour etc), but the good, amazing and happy times, far outweigh the crappy ones. Making memories, having fun, laughter, and so much more, make life so worthwhile.

I’m so very proud of my sweet girl; she’s learning new things literally every day, her vocabulary seems to expand daily too. She’s such a character, literally makes everyone she meets smile, and lights up the room wherever she goes. She’s funny, crazy, stubborn, determined, brave, fierce, strong-willed, and super smart. For 2 and a half years old, she’s pretty bloody amazing!! I know I’m biased, but so many people tell me what a great kid she is, and how cute/beautiful/gorgeous she is. My heart literally bursts with pride every time, and I look at her sometimes, and think just how lucky I am to be her mummy. To me she is totally perfect, I just know she’s going to do amazing things as she grows up.

Our world flipped upside down the day she was born, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. She’s worth every minute of lost sleep, every grey hair, every stretch mark and wrinkle. I can’t remember or imagine life without my precious girl in it. She’s my world, and always will be. I waited so long to become a mother, and I feel genuinely blessed to now be one. When I was pregnant, we didn’t find out the gender at scans, we kept it a surprise. I had such a strong feeling though, that I was carrying a girl. Not sure why, but I just knew. A mothers instinct perhaps? Right from the beginning. Obviously I would have been just as happy to be the mother of a son, but there was a huge part of me that was glad we had a girl πŸ˜€ I guess I’ve always wanted a daughter, and to have that mother and daughter bond.

Having my daughter, totally changed my perspective and outlook on life too. I honestly think she saved me. I still have rough times, and super tough times, where I battle my demons and the negative thoughts. There’s still even times where the suicidal thoughts creep in and consume me. But, my daughter is and always will be, my protective factor. I couldn’t leave her. I couldn’t leave my husband either, of course. Every time that I feel low, or have those negative thoughts, I just look at my daughter. Even at the worst times in my head, I couldn’t and wouldn’t act upon any of those thoughts. My daughter needs her mummy, just as much as I need her. She’s my mini me, my side kick, my best girl and my favourite tiny human ❀

^T.U.M^