Lockdown….

Lockdown….

Good morning all!

My last post was over a month ago, so figured I’d best pop in and catch up again! ๐Ÿ˜‚

How are you all doing during this tough time? I’m having good days and bad days. Having to stay home is tough, when it’s not by choice. I’m not the most outgoing and social person anyway, generally only leave the house to go to the shop, doctors or the school run. But at least I knew I could go out for other reasons if I wanted to, like for coffee with a friend or to the cinema. Now, it’s like being a prisoner in your own home. Getting groceries is difficult, as all the home delivery slots and even click and collect slots, are booked up for weeks. Going to the stores takes ages, with the queuing to get in and being mindful of social distancing whilst shopping. My anxiety is often through the roof, and there is a small element of cabin fever going on too.

I try to look at the positives of the situation though, to try and stay upbeat and hopeful. The positives I’ve realised are:

  • More time spent with my daughter. Making memories and really reconnecting with her.
  • More time to organise, decluttering and sort out things in the house that I’ve wanted to do for so long, but never had the time.
  • More time to try and practice self care. Not being in a hurry to go anywhere or do anything, and being able to just take our time to do things. Today I’ve done a full facial skin care routine and put make up on. It’s so rare that I make a proper effort on my skincare, and even rarer that I put on makeup!

There are so many things too, that you realise you all too often, take for granted or don’t do often enough. Things like texting a friend, or calling a relative. Visiting elderly family, and spending time with them. In normal every day life, there’s so much hustle and bustle, we’re constantly on the go doing something, and the call or text or visit you keep meaning to do, never happens. Times like these, really do make you appreciate what you have and what you should be thankful for. It also makes you realise how precious and fragile life is. Tomorrow is never promised, it’s something we hope for but have no control over. Life is shorter than you think. Days, weeks, months, even years, pass by in the blink of an eye, when we’re all too busy with daily life. We never stop to take in the moment. To take a deep breath, step back, and appreciate everything you can see, or hear. Mindfulness is a thing we should all be doing. I’ll admit, I’ve not ever really been truly mindful or practised it properly. But it’s something I’m trying hard to do more of. When you look out of the window today, look at everything you can see. Take it in, be grateful for it, and keep reminding yourself to never to take any of it for granted.

Times are certainly tough right now, and the coming weeks and months are filled with so much uncertainty and anxiety.

I think if we had an end date it would be easier to cope. But the fear of the unknown is so hard. We all like to know what’s happening next, so we can prepare for it and expect it. But at the moment, you can’t prepare for something you have no idea about. Uncertainty is difficult to get to grips with. Plans can’t be made, or plans that had been made have to be cancelled. Life as we knew it, has stopped, or at the very least, paused. But the world keeps on turning. The wind still blows, the rain still falls. The clouds still float across the sky and the sun still shines. The moon still comes up and the stars still burn brightly in the night sky. Environmental factors, don’t have a pause button. They can’t be stopped. They just keep going, day in, day out. Flowers still grow, trees still stand tall. Time keeps ticking by, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.

Every second of everyday, take in the joy, the positives, the good things in life, that are too often forgotten about. Mend that drawer or paint that wall. Life is a a seriously precious thing, don’t waste any part of it. Dream big, have faith and hope, and don’t take anything or anyone for granted. If you love someone, tell them. If you miss someone, call them. Don’t procrastinate, because it could end up being too late.

Stay safe all, and I’ll check in again soon x

Marching on!

Marching on!

Hello all!

So, today is March 1st. The 3rd chapter of 2020, and a chance to start fresh with a new mindset, new goals, and new ideas. My main goal this month, is to stick to the budget I set up, and make it from now until the 31st without running out of money or having bills going unpaid. I want to get on top of our financial situation and boss it, rather than it boss me. I’ve had enough of worrying about paying bills or stressing about feeding my family. I don’t want to have to resort to visiting the food bank anymore, and I don’t want to have to borrow money from friends or family to get by. I’m 35 and really should be standing on my own feet by now. I’m a mother and a wife, and whilst my health restricts me from working and earning an income, I am determined to do the best I can with what we do get. Things are finally turning around with money, and the improvement is a massive relief. I feel far less stressed, and it’s a great feeling. There’s always that element of fear and reluctance to relish the moment entirely, because I’m always afraid that it’ll all go to shit again. Anxiety is an absolute nightmare, and does tend to really hinder my life. I wish I could let go, and enjoy the fact that life is good right now. I guess it’ll always be like that for me though, but I’ll plod on like I’ve always done.

On another topic, parenting. It’s hard. Like, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Yes it’s rewarding, and I do feel truly blessed to be a mother. But, it is all consuming and utterly exhausting. Both mentally and physically. There are days, when I feel so out of my depth and overwhelmed, that I honestly don’t know how to keep going. The three year old stage has been the hardest age so far. It’s brought with it, attitude, anger, defiance, stubbornness, misbehaving on purpose, and so much more. We’ve had sleep issues, food issues, and stress levels have been well and truly off the scale. As a family, we’ve been through so much, and inevitably the strain does start to take its toll. September to December 2019, saw us battling illness after illness, and we were glad to see the back of it. But then January came around and J went back to preschool, and once again the perpetual cycle of illness started again. Added to that, the above mentioned problems, and I’m totally frazzled to the max. I know that the behaviour stuff is all part of her emotional development and she’s learning constantly, how to manage her behaviour, what’s appropriate and what’s not, boundaries, and all of that. I realise it’s probably just as hard for her, as it is for us, if not more so. It must be so hard to process it all and make sense of it in her head. I do my best to guide her, reassure her, and be there for her. But there are times I feel I’m less than what I should be. I lose my temper far more often than I’d like. I say things I instantly regret. And it makes me feel utterly awful and like a total failure. I feel like I’m letting her down, and not doing the best for her as I should be. I question myself every day, and beat myself up over the most ridiculous things. In her eyes though, I’m her world. Her safe place, her comfort, her support, and she loves me unconditionally. I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is hard though, especially when I’m tired, or in pain. It all gets very draining and my brain feels fried by the end of the day.

It’s hard to comprehend that J will be 4 in just over 4 months. Then starting in reception class in about 6 months. It feels like time is flying by and I wish sometimes I could slow it down. As my first and last child, I’m trying to relish everything, all the new milestones and achievements, and moments I know we won’t have again. I know it’ll all be worth it, and I’m sure J will grow up into an amazing woman. I’m so proud of her and love her more than words could ever convey. She may drive me to my limits, push my buttons and deprive me of sleep, but this won’t last forever. So for now, I’ll make the most of every moment, every cuddle, every “love you mumma” and try to be kinder to myself, as I’m doing the best I can.

Much love,

X

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

Good evening all!

I’ve decided to keep this blog running, to see if I can bring it back to life! I hope this post finds you all well? Myself, not so much! I literally feel like I’m falling apart! I’ve had several new diagnoses this year already, and potentially adding another to it. I’m currently waiting on blood test results, as they think I may be heading back down the road of chronic fatigue syndrome, like I had in my early 20s. I’ve also got high blood pressure, which is likely due to my weight and stress levels lately. 2019 wasn’t the best year for us, so many things went wrong, in some cases catastrophically. Financially we seriously struggled, but we’re slowly building ourselves back up, and I’m hopeful of getting back into a better position where money is concerned. I’m making changes to the way we do things, prioritising bills etc, and really trying to keep track of where our money goes. Literally every penny is being accounted for! I’ll openly admit that I’ve never been good with money, it’s been an issue for me since I was old enough to work and earn it. I’d often spend it before I’d got it, and payday saw it hit and leave my bank account simultaneously! But back then I lived with my grandparents, and didn’t have all the responsibility that I do now. Adulting can surely suck sometimes haha. I’m determined to get it under control and be fully organised with it all. I’ll keep you posted on that one, fingers crossed for me!!

We’ve also been dealing with a threenager, and honestly, it’s been the hardest age so far. I think we got off very lightly with the so called ‘Terrible twos!’ and we’re paying for it now! We’ve had lots of issues with sleep, patience, listening, and just behaviours in general. The good generally outweighs the bad thankfully, but in that moment when it’s bad, I genuinely despair and don’t know how we’ll get through it and out the other side. I’ve been pretty brutal on myself, very self critical, and blamed myself for so many things. I’ve regretted things I’ve said or done so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve found myself literally having to walk out of the house, just to get that moment to myself to calm and step back from the situation, otherwise I think I’d completely lose myself. I’ve had some very low times, where I’ve felt so lost and depressed, that I’ve shut down and genuinely been a horrible person to be around. I try my hardest to put on the brave face and all that, but it does get hard to sometimes. I don’t want J picking up on it too much though, as I know it’ll affect her negatively.

Aside from the struggles we’re having, she’s truly flourishing in other ways. Since starting preschool last September, she’s learning and developing at such a pace, I can’t keep up! Her speech and language has gotten so good, you can have a fairly good conversation with her, and she’s able to communicate her needs etc, which makes things alot easier in certain areas! She’s coming out of herself, her confidence is growing and she’s very keen to learn and try new things. She loves everything creative, like drawing, colouring, dancing, singing and making music. She has the most incredible imagination, and sometimes it’s like she goes into her own little bubble, making up scenarios and characters, and having little adventures with her dinosaurs, animals and dolls. It’s so lovely to watch. Preschool say she’s a wonderful child to have, and that she has a very caring and kind nature. They say she’s above average in some key areas of the EYFS, which makes us super proud! She’s also pretty much potty training herself! We’ve let her lead the way the whole time, so that she does things when she is ready. I won’t push her into doing things, as that makes her less keen on doing them. Whereas when she initiates things, she feels in control and it goes so much smoother and it’s less stressful all round! I don’t think it’ll be too much longer before she’s fully cracked it, as she’s doing so well with it currently. A few accidents here and there, but for the first week being out of nappies, she’s bossing it!

I still can’t comprehend the fact that in just over 5 months, she will be 4 years old, and then starting reception at primary school in September! Time seems to have just flown by, and I often wish I could slow it down or even pause it a while, to savour the moments more and relish in the adventures we have. I know I can’t though, so I’m really trying to make the most of every minute, make memories, and have lots of fun with our sweet girl. She’s going to do amazing things in her future, and I’m excited for her!

Right, there’s things I need to get done this evening, and I’m feeling pretty tired, so will sign off now. I really hope I can get this blog back up where it was all those months ago!

Take care all, and have a great weekend!

Mumma7716 x

Look who’s back ๐Ÿ˜Ž

Look who’s back ๐Ÿ˜Ž

Hey hey hey!!

I’m so very sorry for being so absent of late. Looking at my posts, the last time I blogged was back in May!! That’s terrible, and I feel really sorry for neglecting you all! So, I’m making it my mission, to write every Friday! And more in between if I can. I really want to make this blog a success, and if I don’t write, that’s not going to happen!

So, a brief catch up is in order!

My baby, is now 3!! How did that even happen?! Time sure does fly, way too fast! When I was pregnant, people kept telling me it would be like that, but I always laughed it off. Now I’m living it, I see just how right they all were! It’s been such a wild ride these past 3 years. I think I’ve been through every emotion possible a million times, and most likely aged and my hair has greyed a fair bit too! But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I absolutely love being a mum, and despite it being the hardest thing I’ve ever done, parenting, to me, is truly a blessing. After such a long journey trying to conceive, I’d just about given up hope of ever being a mum. So to be 3 years into mum life, I count my blessings daily.

It does have its moment of everything being so overwhelming though, and times when I really doubt myself and my parenting abilities. I only have to look at my daughter though, to see how happy and content she is, and she’s so learning and growing so well, I know I’m doing okay. My husband and I are a good team, and get through the rough with the smooth, and I’m proud of us. Yes we’re winging it every day ๐Ÿ˜‚ but we’re doing alright!

So tell me lovely followers, what would you like to see on this blog? I have a few ideas, such as product reviews (I have a couple in mind to write up in the next week or so) and also parenting hacks and life organising kinda stuff. Mental health will be a strong influence in the background, and I’ll focus on it at times when it’s relevant. I feel it’s important to keep talking about it, and continue to break down those walls of stigma surrounding it, and help people feel less alone, and that it’s genuinely okay to not be okay sometimes.

Pop me a comment and let me know your thoughts. This blog is just as much for my followers, if not more so, as it is for me. What started out all those years ago, as a form of therapy for me during a really tough time in my life, has grown and blossomed into something entirely different and something I’m genuinely proud of. It’s an open and honest blog, and always will be. I don’t see the point of hiding the truth, when times are hard, I’ll say so. Likewise when they’re great, I’ll say that too! For every hard time, is a better time just around the corner. You can’t have sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it can’t rain all the time either. Life is for living, and totally what you make it. So give it your best shot, you deserve it, you’re worth it and it’s only you who can make it happen!

Thanks to all who have stuck around despite the long silences, I am determined to do better!!

Have a great weekend all, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Mumma7716 x

Family, life and thoughts….

Family, life and thoughts….

Hi all, apologies for the radio silence once again, days seem to just fly by and I can’t keep up. Things have been pretty hectic with one thing and another, but thought I’d pop in a post whilst I had a spare few minutes!!

So, today, I’m talking about family. Because just lately, I’ve felt so blessed to have my family. People who love and care about me, and I’d genuinely be lost without them.

Family isn’t always about blood relations. It comes in all shapes and sizes. Theres family by marriage, and family by choice too. Like friends for example. Those you’ve known for longer than you can remember, and are like family to you. They know everything about you, and you’d trust them with everything you have. I have several really close friends, who are like brothers and sisters to me. They’ve all got my back, and I theirs.

It’s a shame that certain members of my family by blood, don’t want to be a part of mine. But I’ve come to accept that, and living life to the full without them. I won’t chase those who don’t want to know me, as there’s just no point. It’s a waste of my energy, that I can focus upon those who do want to know me. Despite it all, I still gained 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and some cousins. So it’s not all bad. Ultimately, for those who don’t want to know, it’s their loss, not mine. I lived my life for 33 years without them in it, so there is no doubt I can continue to do so. There’s a vast difference between needing and wanting people in your life. I wanted them in my life, but I don’t need them. It may sound harsh, but it’s true.

I often feel kind of sad about it, because in the beginning it was brilliant. We all got on like we had never been apart. But it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess it’s true what they say about leaving the past in the past, and there’s no point dwelling on it. I succeeded in what I set out to do, that’s what’s important.

My immediate family (daughter and husband) are my everything. The reason I get up in the mornings, despite all the pains and low moods. They’re the reason I carry on fighting, day after day, because they need me, just as much as I need them. My daughter is growing up so so fast, and I’m scared I’ll blink and miss it. She is 3 in just over a month, and then off to preschool in September. I’m still struggling to really get my head around that, and still think back to the early days when she was a tiny baby, fully dependant on me for everything. Of course she is still pretty dependant on me now, but in a totally different way. She loves to be independent, and is constantly pushing and trying to be more so. If you try to help her, you often get told no, she will do it. She’s quite feisty and strong willed, and stubborn just like me! She makes me so proud every single day, of her, but also of myself. I feel so lucky to have been pregnant and given birth to such a beautiful little human. I may hate my body, and how I look, but it did a damn good job of growing a human. And for that, I’m proud. I feel sad for those who struggle or never even get to experience that, and can totally understand the pain and upset it causes. I thought it would never happen for us, and just when I’d about given up all hope, I was pregnant. The most terrifying and exhilarating feeling I’ve ever felt.

In some ways, I miss pregnancy, all those exciting times like scans, first kicks, hearing baby’s heartbeat etc. I miss my bump too, it made me feel genuinely beautiful, and I loved watching it grow. Although not so much the aches and pains that came with it! But it was all worth it, every part of it, to have my precious child.

I’ll leave you all with a few last thoughts for the day: Cherish every single moment with your family, never miss an opportunity to tell them you love them or give them a hug. You never know what tomorrow may bring, life is far shorter than you think. Don’t take for granted anyone, or anything. Because you could lose it quicker than you realise. While you’re wanting more, you’re missing what you already have. Live life for the now, don’t dwell on the past, and the future will take care of itself.
X

Worst 5 days ever.

Worst 5 days ever.

Hey everyone,

Huge apologies for not writing for a while. With one thing and another, its just not happened. I won’t recap on too much, as I’d be here all night, and quite frankly don’t have the energy to do so.

The last 5 days have utterly broken me. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I’m drained. I’ll start from day 1 –

Friday, 20th April: it was evening, and I was in the kitchen, washing up, and my nan called. So stopped to talk to her. Hubby and J were playing in the lounge, J was running around like she always does. And then bang. And an ear piercing scream. I hear hubby say ‘Oh my God’ and he appeared at the kitchen door, holding J, and she was covered in blood. I instantly panicked and told my nan I had to go and hung up on her. Took J from hubby as she wanted me, and checked her over. Thankfully no broken or knocked out teeth, but 2 big holes in her bottom lip. So much blood, and it didn’t seem to want to stop. Hubby called 111, and they said they were sending an ambulance. But then about 20 minutes later, ambulance control called and said there was a 3hr wait, and that it would be quicker for us to take her in ourselves. So off we went. Spent a good couple of hours there, eventually getting home around 11pm. J was asleep by 11.30pm and we collapsed in our chairs and had a cuppa, then headed off to bed too. Exhausted and emotional.

Saturday, 21st April: J woke, and was obviously in pain bless her. So she had calpol etc and we got on with the day as best we could. Hubby’s parents visited in the afternoon, and we took J out to the communal garden for a run around. All was going well, she was having a great time with her nana. Then she fell over, on concrete. Grazing, cutting and bruising her knees quite badly, as she was wearing shorts that day. I had to put plasters on her knees to ‘make better mummy’, as everytime she looked at them she broke down in tears. Once they were covered she semi forgot about it. Another day, another worrying time.

Thankfully, Sunday and Monday passed without much going on. J went to bed as usual last night (Monday) and crashed out, as we had been for a play at the local park in the afternoon, which she had loved and had lots of fun. Now here’s where it gets even worse….

Today, Tuesday 23rd April: J woke up at around 6am, calling for me. Which instantly caused me some concern, as normally if she wakes she just comes through and gets into our bed. She was freezing cold, but wouldn’t let me put the duvet back over her. She then followed me to the bathroom, and I said shall we go have cuddles in mummy and daddys bed. She said no, and went back in her room, and laid on the floor. I called hubby, as I was getting more concerned as clearly something wasn’t right. She wandered around upstairs like she was in a daze or still asleep. Was sick a couple of times, just like phlegm really. She kept trying to hold it back, which was making her feel worse and prolonging it. We managed to get her downstairs, she didn’t want her usual bottle. She was still very much out of sorts, and was vomiting every half hour to an hour, the same phlegmy type stuff. At 8am, we called the doctors, as we wanted to get her checked out. Whilst hubby was sat on hold to them, I popped upstairs to get J some clothes, anticipating a trip to the doctors surgery. I then hear hubby running up the stairs, calling my name. He very rarely calls me by my name these days, its normally mummy. So I knew something was happening. He told me he couldn’t wake her. She had been sick again, then laid down on the floor, and fell asleep. He just had a feeling that something wasn’t right, so he tried to wake her. But couldn’t. Which was when he called for me. I came rushing down the stairs, and saw my sweet girl, lifeless on the floor. I felt sick with worry and panic, and it felt like my heart stopped and then hit the floor. I tried to wake her, shaking her, calling her name, all the nicknames I have for her, and was getting nothing. Put my hand on her chest and was relieved to feel she was still breathing, but she was so pale, almost grey. I told hubby to sod the doctors, just call 999 and I kept trying to wake her. It took a good 3 or 4 minutes to get a response, and then she kind of dropped in and out of sleep/consciousness. She then rolled on her side and vomited again. This time it was bright yellow. The first response paramedics arrived first, and started checking her over and asking us what had been happening. She was more alert by this point thankfully, but still obviously not right. A couple of minutes later, the ambulance crew arrived as well. Poor J looked a little bewildered as she looked around the room, as there were 4 paramedics, as well as me and hubby. The paramedics thought it was best to take her down to A&E for a full check over and to see the paediatric doctors. So I gathered what we needed, and went down to the ambulance with J. Hubby locked up and followed in the car, so that we had a way of getting home! It felt like the longest journey ever. On arrival, the paramedic booked her in, and we went round to the paediatric emergency department. I was so glad to see my hubby in the door way looking around for us. J was weighed, and we were shown to the room where she was going to be in. It feels like a bit of a blur for the most part, but she was constantly checked, and had to pass a fluid challenge (basically drink a full 200ml of Diaoralyte solution and keep it down). She also had some paracetamol too. As time went on, the more she drank, the more she perked up and began to be more like her usual self. After 3hrs of obs and keeping fluids down, we were allowed home. She dozed a little in the car on the way home, but then perked up when she was back in familiar surroundings. Over the afternoon, she grazed on things like crisps, cereal, crackers etc. And was thankfully drinking well too. And was more and more like her normal self. She had more calpol and went off to bed around 8pm, asleep by about 8.20pm. I’m keeping everything crossed, that we have a good night and she wakes up all good in the morning.

3 things in 5 days, is quite enough!! I honestly don’t think I can cope with anymore.

Right, time for some chilling and then hopefully sleeping…. X

Monday Madness

Monday Madness

Ugh. That’s the general feels for today…. just, ugh.

It’s been a really hard, draining, stressful day. From the moment I woke up, to right now, I’ve struggled with literally everything. Getting out of bed this morning, was super tough, as I just felt so achey and heavy, I very nearly just didn’t bother getting up at all. I had a doctors appointment though, and I knew if I didn’t go, I’d be pissed at myself. So, I was up, dressed and out the door in the space of 20 minutes. Was late to my appointment, but they’re never running on time anyway. I was seeing the one and only doctor, that does the mirena coil procedures. On the advice of my GP when I saw her last week, to try and ease my anxiety and fears about having it. As that’s seemingly my only option for now. She was very reassuring, and despite still feeling pretty anxious about it, after the appointment, I booked in for the swabs (to make sure there’s no infections etc before having it put in) and the procedure too. 14th February for swabs, and if they’re all okay, 7th March for the mirena. It’s an early appointment, so at least I can get it out of the way and get on with the day. Does mean getting up early though, with enough time to eat and take pain relief before going for it. I am dreading it, I won’t lie, but I’m sincerely hoping it’s as amazing as I’m being led to believe….

Anyway, after the doctors, I picked up a few bits from the shop for lunch and headed home. This afternoon, we went up to Iceland and Aldi, and in Iceland, little miss decided to kick off in epic style. I actually wanted the ground to swallow me up at one point. I could feel all eyes around me, burning into my skin almost. I could hear the tuts, and saw the shaking of heads and disapproving looks. I glared back at a few of them, and really had to bite my tongue and hold back from losing my shit with people. I felt so vulnerable and anxious, and totally lost it with my poor girl. I hate getting cross with her. I hate losing my temper. It makes me feel so angry at myself, and guilty for upsetting her and making the situation worse. I know she doesn’t do it on purpose (mostly!), and that she’s just venting her frustration in the only way she knows how. I also realise that she’s growing up, and therefore wanting to be more independent. Today the kick off was because she wanted to get out of the buggy and walk. At the time, we were trying to get the bits of shopping we needed and get home. We were all tired, a little bit on the frazzled side, and it escalated pretty quickly. Once we’d paid, and got some of the way home, off the main busy road too, I got her out of the buggy and we let her walk the rest of the way home. She did really well, and held my hand all the way. I was genuinely really proud of her, and how well she behaved once she was out and calm. She was pointing things out, like dogs, leaves, cars etc. She is super observant of everything around her, and I love that. We eventually made it home, and up to the house. I was relieved to be honest, as my anxiety was raging and I needed to get back to my comfort zone and calm down.

J is so fiercely stubborn when it comes to independence. She’s so strong willed, and when she makes up her mind to do something or wants something, there’s literally no point really trying to battle with her. Obviously there is times where we do have to stick to our guns and say no to some things, and deal with the inevitable consequences, but most of the time, our little toddler terror, usually wins, just for a quiet life! It’s probably not the greatest parenting in the world, but it’s how we feel is best for us, and it works (most of the time). So, stuff what anyone else thinks. Our child, our lives, our rules. Simples!

Before I sign off for the night, I’d love to ask a little favour of you all if I may…. if you have Facebook, I would be so grateful if you’d pop onto my page and give it a like. I’m working really hard on building it back up again, after having to start fresh. I think the link to it should be to the side of this post, but if not, you can find it by clicking here – Mumma:7716

I post as often as I can to my page, more often than I sit and write a blog post anyway! I missed my usual Sunday blog sesh, as J refused to go to bed until nearly 11pm, and by that point I was just shattered and had zero concentration!

Right, going to call it there for tonight, I hope you all had a good weekend, and that Monday was kind to you today! Have a fab week everyone, and I’ll speak to you again soon!

Much love X

 

Real, raw and honest….

Real, raw and honest….

Feeling pretty pants tonight if I’m honest; still full of cold/flu germs, and despite a pretty chilled day, I’m just so drained and exhausted. All we did today was have baths, and I changed the beds. But its wiped me out. Have only just got J to bed and asleep (11.20pm!!) after a failed attempt earlier on. She has been up and on the go since 8.45am this morning! How she kept going, is beyond me! No nap either…. toddlers eh?! Hoping to feel a bit less “ugh” tomorrow. Am so bored, tired and fed up with always being poorly.

I often feel like my body just hates me ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ if it’s not my brain chemicals causing me issues, it’s my immune system not coping, resulting in me getting a virus or infection; Or my joints aching, swelling or stiffening up like they’ve been filled with concrete, making simple tasks like walking near on impossible; or feeling like my insides are trying to claw their way out…. it never ends! There is always something happening that I have to deal with. Whilst trying my best to be a mum, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a friend…. and generally just adulting. Some days are harder than others, and I get the very rare odd day here and there, where I’m 90% feeling alright….! No two days are really the same though, and I can go to bed feeling okay, and wake up feeling horrendous, or vice versa. It’s all very unpredictable and I think that’s what makes it so frustrating! Never knowing what curve ball will be thrown at me next, and wondering if I’ll have the energy to dodge it, or if it’ll hit me square in the face and knock me down again. Mental health and physical health, go hand in hand. One can’t function without the other, and so many don’t seem to understand that. Mental illness can make you feel physically unwell too, and likewise, being physically unwell can make you feel down and depressed too. Especially when its relentless, one thing after another.

But, I take each day as it comes. A new day, to try again, to fight again, and to do what I need to, to get through it. I make the most of the good times, and repeat “this too shall pass” through the bad. I take the ups with the downs, and live my best life as much as possible. Its important to live for today, always. Because the past is gone, dwelling on it is pointless, as is worrying about the future. They are two times that can’t be changed or predicted, so focus on the here and now. Live fully in each moment and never take anything or anyone for granted. Life is far too short, don’t let it pass you by. Make it count.

Much love, and good night! X

Holding on, just.

Holding on, just.

Hi all,

Thought I’d check in whilst I had 5 minutes to sit and write; things are, in a word, tough.

I’m tired; so very tired. J has been all over the place with her sleep lately, and it’s having such a huge impact on me now. I literally feel like I’m broken. There’s not a part of my body that doesn’t ache; my joints feel stiff and swollen; I’m snappy, irritable, and just generally such a crappy person lately. I hate it. I hate how I am, the crushing lows that I feel, and the fact that I don’t know what to do about it. Yes, I could go to my GP, but there’s very little that she can really do. Tweak my medication maybe? But that’s about it. I’m sick of relying on medication as it is, the last thing I want to be doing is increasing any of them. Especially as there may be more added to the mix once I’ve seen the Rheumatology consultant next month. I feel like a walking pharmacy. Even my hubby commented on the amount of pills I take in a day. It’s ridiculous. But necessary, in order for me to “function”. Even though I don’t feel like I’m functioning at all recently. More like just existing. Plodding on, as I have to, and that’s about it. It’s pretty shit in all honesty.

Today was a proud day though, as we’ve officially started potty training. We’ve totally let J take control, and let us know when she was ready. Today was that day. She actually used the potty, rather than just sitting on it. I think it took her by surprise, as much as it did us too. But I’m so so proud of her. She’s growing up way too fast though, and that’s kinda scary. Every “first” is the last. If that makes sense. I’m not going to be experiencing any of these moments again, so it feels a little bittersweet to be honest. In a way, I’ve tried to put off such things like potty training, to try and keep her as my baby for as long as possible. I realise though, that that’s not fair on her. She’s allowed to grow up, learn new things, take big steps like using the potty today, and she’s allowed to carve her own path in life. I will never hold her back. She’s her own person, and her personality and character are really shining through, and she’s genuinely such a lovely kid to be around. Of course she has her moments, where I’m tearing my hair out in frustration, but she’s just a typical toddler in that respect. They test patience and boundaries, that’s how they learn at the end of the day. If they don’t do things wrong, then they don’t learn the difference between that and doing things right. It’s our job as parents, to ensure their safety, and guide them along the path of growing up, but not to limit them to the extent that they feel suffocated or like they’re wrapped up in cotton wool. Grazed knees, bumps and bruises, are part and parcel of growing up. They’re not something we can prevent, and to be honest, we shouldn’t try. Of course, keeping them out of danger and harms way, is vital. But the rest, we just need to let go and allow them to experience things.

Since becoming a mum, it’s been quite hard for me in many ways. Being a first time mum, over 30, and having mental health problems, I found myself facing a lot of criticism and judgement. I never felt like I was doing a good enough job, and that my way of parenting was wrong. Post Natal Depression kicked my arse. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I literally fell apart. Sleep deprivation is an absolute nightmare, and the demands of a newborn are super intense. There was many times, that I felt like I couldn’t do it, and that I wasn’t good enough. But I battled through it, as my daughter needed me, and I wasn’t about to give up on myself, nor her. Tough times are inevitable, but they do pass. Tough people, get through them. They fight tooth and nail, to get to the other side. To climb out of the low moments, and embrace the good things. No matter how hard it may be, I won’t give up. Every battle I face, I know that I can win. It may not be an immediate victory, and it most likely won’t be easy. But I have the biggest reason to always keep trying. My daughter – my world, my rainbow, my sunshine, my forever love. There will never be a battle that I can’t face up to and win, with my daughter by my side, she gives me the strength and determination.

Of course, I should also say that I fight these battles for my husband too. The love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend. We’ve been having a bit of a rough time recently too, most likely down to the fact we’re both so utterly exhausted, being the parents of a toddler, who resembles more of an energiser bunny most days! For every fight and fall out we have though, I’m sure it makes us stronger as a result. We both apologise, and move on. Some days are harder than others, and I’ve often cried over things, and felt concerned that I’m pushing him away. It would literally break me into a million pieces to lose him. He’s my rock. He’s supported me through literally the worst times of my life, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. It shows me just what unconditional love truly is. He’s been by my side for over 15 years now, and he’s never given up on me. Even when I’ve been a total bitch to him, and been an utter nightmare to live with. He’s defended me, protected me, and blessed me with the gift of our daughter. Simply the greatest gift of all, and seeing him being such a great father too, just makes me love him all the more.

I don’t know if any of this post has really made any sense, but it’s helped me process a few things in my head, and realise just how damn lucky I truly am. We may not have it all, but having each other is enough. I wouldn’t be here now, if it wasn’t for my husband. He came into my life at the exact point when I needed a knight in shining armour to save me. I honestly feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, I may not be rich in terms of money, but I’m most certainly rich in terms of how much I’m loved, needed and wanted. And that to me, is worth more than any amount of money.

I love my little family, and no matter what life throws at us, we’ll face it all together.

Good night all x

^T.U.M^

Living my best life….

Living my best life….

Hey peeps,

My regular day for posting was going to be Sundays, but I felt the need to write today, so here I am!

Today has been a crazy day, starting with a new tattoo (covering up 2 old ones), an epic fall out with someone I thought was a friend, a cheeky toddler who refused to go to bed, and making amends with a former enemy…. at least 2 of those things were totally unexpected!

Here’s the new ink:

It’s a larkspur flower, which is the birth flower of July, the month my daughter was born ๐Ÿ™‚ it covered 2 old tattoos, which over time have lost their significance and it was time for something new. I’m so happy with it, although 2 hours in the chair, was pretty intense. It’s really sore now, as expected, but it’s totally worth it. I have however found out I’m allergic to the aftercare stuff I bought – tattoo goo. So have gone back to my old faithful bepanthen! Had heard such good things about the tattoo goo stuff that I thought it was a good idea. But after washing it with the soap stuff, and applying the lotion a couple of times, it was literally like I’d set fire to my arm! It was so painful, and nothing like the usual fresh ink pain I’ve had in the past! So, I washed it with plain water and put some bepanthen on it, and its settled down thankfully. Still pretty tender, but nothing more than I’m used to!

As for the friend, who is no longer one, well she was slagging me off on a public Facebook page; although she didn’t mention my name, it was so obvious who she was referring to. She then tried to deny it when I confronted her, and then deleted the comment completely. Guilty conscience much?! So yeah, she’s out of my life for good. I don’t need people like that, who can so easily pass judgement and slag off their ‘friends’! She’s always been a bit judgemental, but I certainly didn’t expect her to turn on me like that. But hey ho, life goes on and I’m past caring what people think of me, so ultimately she can take the high jump! C ya! Haha.

Thanks to some moron parked up near us, revving his engine to the point where it nearly blew up, and playing loud distorted music, J refused to go to sleep at bedtime. She eventually went down and was asleep by about 10.30pm. Only 3 hours late…. she’s cute though, so I’ll let her off!

And the last thing, making amends with people I never expected to, but somehow I’m okay and feeling quite relieved about. Hopefully it all continues to be civil and good from here on…. ๐Ÿคž

So in conclusion, and to reference to the title of this post, I’m determined to live my best life. Do what’s best for my daughter, my husband and myself. Everyone else can sort their own shit out. Another thing I forgot to mention above, was being accused of interfering by a family member, when in actual fact I was trying to help and support them through a tough time. But as always, I get it thrown back at me, and it subsequently makes me feel like shit. I try to do my bit to help out, but I literally don’t know why I bother anymore. So I’ve drawn the line, and I’m not going to bother anymore. Which will still be wrong….but sod it. Life is for living, and that’s what I plan to do.

Also, we had confirmation of a pre-school place for September for our little miss! It’s quite overwhelming and emotional for me, but I just know she’ll be fine and really flourish and benefit from it. Just hope I can hold it together at the first drop off….

Anyway, time for a wash of the ink, some more bepanthen, take my meds, and chill. I’m utterly exhausted, bed time soon too probably!!

Live the life you love, love the life you live.

Goodnight x

^T.U.M^ โ™กโ™ก