2020 – let the new adventures begin!

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

Good evening all!

I’ve decided to keep this blog running, to see if I can bring it back to life! I hope this post finds you all well? Myself, not so much! I literally feel like I’m falling apart! I’ve had several new diagnoses this year already, and potentially adding another to it. I’m currently waiting on blood test results, as they think I may be heading back down the road of chronic fatigue syndrome, like I had in my early 20s. I’ve also got high blood pressure, which is likely due to my weight and stress levels lately. 2019 wasn’t the best year for us, so many things went wrong, in some cases catastrophically. Financially we seriously struggled, but we’re slowly building ourselves back up, and I’m hopeful of getting back into a better position where money is concerned. I’m making changes to the way we do things, prioritising bills etc, and really trying to keep track of where our money goes. Literally every penny is being accounted for! I’ll openly admit that I’ve never been good with money, it’s been an issue for me since I was old enough to work and earn it. I’d often spend it before I’d got it, and payday saw it hit and leave my bank account simultaneously! But back then I lived with my grandparents, and didn’t have all the responsibility that I do now. Adulting can surely suck sometimes haha. I’m determined to get it under control and be fully organised with it all. I’ll keep you posted on that one, fingers crossed for me!!

We’ve also been dealing with a threenager, and honestly, it’s been the hardest age so far. I think we got off very lightly with the so called ‘Terrible twos!’ and we’re paying for it now! We’ve had lots of issues with sleep, patience, listening, and just behaviours in general. The good generally outweighs the bad thankfully, but in that moment when it’s bad, I genuinely despair and don’t know how we’ll get through it and out the other side. I’ve been pretty brutal on myself, very self critical, and blamed myself for so many things. I’ve regretted things I’ve said or done so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve found myself literally having to walk out of the house, just to get that moment to myself to calm and step back from the situation, otherwise I think I’d completely lose myself. I’ve had some very low times, where I’ve felt so lost and depressed, that I’ve shut down and genuinely been a horrible person to be around. I try my hardest to put on the brave face and all that, but it does get hard to sometimes. I don’t want J picking up on it too much though, as I know it’ll affect her negatively.

Aside from the struggles we’re having, she’s truly flourishing in other ways. Since starting preschool last September, she’s learning and developing at such a pace, I can’t keep up! Her speech and language has gotten so good, you can have a fairly good conversation with her, and she’s able to communicate her needs etc, which makes things alot easier in certain areas! She’s coming out of herself, her confidence is growing and she’s very keen to learn and try new things. She loves everything creative, like drawing, colouring, dancing, singing and making music. She has the most incredible imagination, and sometimes it’s like she goes into her own little bubble, making up scenarios and characters, and having little adventures with her dinosaurs, animals and dolls. It’s so lovely to watch. Preschool say she’s a wonderful child to have, and that she has a very caring and kind nature. They say she’s above average in some key areas of the EYFS, which makes us super proud! She’s also pretty much potty training herself! We’ve let her lead the way the whole time, so that she does things when she is ready. I won’t push her into doing things, as that makes her less keen on doing them. Whereas when she initiates things, she feels in control and it goes so much smoother and it’s less stressful all round! I don’t think it’ll be too much longer before she’s fully cracked it, as she’s doing so well with it currently. A few accidents here and there, but for the first week being out of nappies, she’s bossing it!

I still can’t comprehend the fact that in just over 5 months, she will be 4 years old, and then starting reception at primary school in September! Time seems to have just flown by, and I often wish I could slow it down or even pause it a while, to savour the moments more and relish in the adventures we have. I know I can’t though, so I’m really trying to make the most of every minute, make memories, and have lots of fun with our sweet girl. She’s going to do amazing things in her future, and I’m excited for her!

Right, there’s things I need to get done this evening, and I’m feeling pretty tired, so will sign off now. I really hope I can get this blog back up where it was all those months ago!

Take care all, and have a great weekend!

Mumma7716 x

The struggle is real!

The struggle is real!

Today has been a whole truck load of epic shit. Started far too early at around 4am, and didn’t really improve much. Literally every part of my body hurts. I feel utterly exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally…. it feels like 1 more push, and I’ll drop over the edge. A breakdown isn’t far away, and it scares me. I hope, with every ounce of strength I can muster, that I can claw my way back up before it consumes me.

The saving grace after such a shitty day, was when my beautiful daughter, said clearly and fully pronounced “I love you mummy”, then fell asleep whilst holding my hand. My heart literally melted like an ice cube in a frying pan. Tears filled my eyes, and I felt so much love and all the shit of the day just melted away into a distant memory. I may be struggling, but I’ll keep fighting as hard as I can, to keep afloat and not fall completely. I need to, for my baby girl.

Tomorrow, we’re visiting a pre-school, and I feel super emotional about it. I know the time will come eventually, but I really wish it wasn’t so soon. It feels like the past 2 and a half years have flown by, and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a beautiful little human, with so much love to give. I know she’ll love the experience of pre-school and making friends, learning and having fun. It’ll be me that’s an emotional mess, leaving my baby in the care of someone else. I’ve never left her with anyone except her daddy. She’s my precious girl, and no matter how tired or stressed I am, I’m better when she’s with me. My anxiety when we’re apart for any length of time, is quite frankly horrible. Its completely irrational probably, but she’s literally my everything and I just hate being away from her. I feel like a totally shit mum sometimes, when I get ratty and cross with her, but I hope she understands as she gets older, that it’s only because I care about her so so much. I do my best, always. Everything I do, every breath I take, is for her. Shes the reason I wake up in the mornings (quite literally!) and the reason I will never stop fighting my demons, no matter how hard they try to kick my ass.

I’m determined to give my daughter the best possible life. She’s so deserving of it, and I’ll make sure it happens, no matter what. I don’t care if I have to go without things or sacrifice anything for her sake, she’s totally worth it.

My first, my last, my everything. I love her to the moon and back, with every beat of my heart, that love grows stronger.

^T.U.M^

Smile, Sparkle, Shine.

Smile, Sparkle, Shine.

Not necessarily in that order…. 😂

Hey everyone, I’m sincerely sorry for not posting since November 1st! 18 days have passed and to be fair they’ve been pretty hectic!

I think I wrote a while back, that we were trying to move again; well, that hit brick wall after brick wall! It got to the point where I was just so sick and tired of chasing up emails and paperwork, that we simply decided to just not bother. Instead, we’re staying where we are and making the best of it. We’ve been organising, rearranging furniture, getting rid of stuff, and generally having a massive home overhaul! It’s actually made such a huge difference, and I’m so happy with it. Plus, it’s only going to get better. Next year, I plan do decorate all bar my daughter’s room, as hers was only done last year, and there’s not much left to do in the bathroom. But I want to do our bedroom, the lounge, kitchen, hall, stairs and landing. In the bathroom it just needs the woodwork glossing and probably new flooring, as my last attempt has gone slightly dodgy! (Self adhesive floor tiles….!) So, I’m pretty excited about really making this a home to be proud of.

The thought of packing up our stuff and moving again, was so overwhelming. It was stressing me out every time I thought about it. This is where our daughter knows as home, and to be honest, I wouldn’t want to unsettle her. We also have an old cat, who really struggled with moving twice in 2016, and I don’t think he’d cope well doing it all again. I’m quite worried about him as it is, as he’s not been himself recently.

So, yeah, that’s where we’re at with all that!

As for me and my health, well…. Mental health is, ugh, I don’t really know. Some days I feel like everything is all good, then others I’m just so exhausted and fed up with everything, I could just sit and cry all day. So it’s a bit up and down really. I guess it’s mostly okay though, and it’s most certainly been worse in the past. Physical health is pretty bad. I went to the endometriosis clinic last week, and the consultant was pretty convinced I do have it. She did an examination and noted it as “inconclusive”. She said she couldn’t feel or see what she’d expect to, and that was concerning. She’s sending me for an MRI, in the hopes that shows enough to diagnose. Basically to avoid surgery (laparoscopy). However, the only sure fire way of diagnosing endometriosis is via the laparoscopy. So I really don’t know 😦 it’s so hard, dealing with the intense pains I get, the random cycles (either super short or crazy long) and the various other things I have to deal with. Headaches, migraines, nausea, rubbish skin (practically always dry and covered in spots!). It’s hard to deal with it all sometimes. I’m also getting really achey joints and muscles for seemingly no reason. Added to that, overwhelming fatigue. To the point where if I sit still too long, I can easily fall asleep. I struggle to keep my eyes open, it’s so bad. Getting up in the mornings is like dragging a lead weight out of bed. My whole body just feels heavy and tired. I don’t know if that would endo related or something entirely different. I know that often a diagnosis of endo is accompanied by things like chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. So who knows 🤷 time will tell I suppose. I’m seeing my mental health doc on Tuesday this week and next week I’m seeing the one who referred me to the endo clinic. It’s all fun and games…. Not!

Weirdly, for me anyway!, I’m looking forward to getting the Christmas decorations up and just Christmas in general. I think it’s because we have our daughter now, and being 2 she’s more aware of what’s going on. She knows Christmas is coming and that she needs to be good etc. I want to make it as special as I can for her 🙂

Anyway, time to get cracking on dinner shortly, so will wrap this up now. I’ve now got the app on my phone, so writing posts isn’t so reliant on getting my laptop out! That should hopefully make it easier to post more often…. 🤞

Hope you’ve all had a good weekend and that the coming week is a good one too! Thanks for reading X

^T.U.M^

World Mental Health Day ❤️ 10/10/18

World Mental Health Day ❤️ 10/10/18

Hey everyone,

So, as today is World Mental Health day, I thought I’d focus solely on that topic for today’s post.

For those new to my blog, I figured I’d write about my own personal experience of mental illness, and where I’m at today.

I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 16, and from then on, I’ve spent more time taking medication than not. Over the years, I developed other mental illnesses on top – anxiety (both generalised and social), body dysmorphia, OCD and health anxiety. I self harmed, a lot. I self medicated with alcohol and became pretty much a functioning alcoholic. This all manifested together, and caused a psychotic episode that lasted the best part of a year, perhaps longer. It’s a bit of a blurry, hazy time of my life to be honest. I don’t fully remember all the details, dates etc. But I know it wasn’t good. In that time, I lived a weird kind of double life, where I had a whole different world in my head, and to me it was totally real. I saw people and heard voices that weren’t there, and totally lost my sense of who I was, and my real life. This came to a head in August 2013, when I had a full breakdown. Broke down in tears at work and was sent home. Went to my GP that afternoon, and things rolled from there really. Psychiatrists, specialists, CBT, and then in April 2014, a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder. I’ve been in and out of the care of the mental health team since then; have been on suicide watch, nearly sectioned a few times and had the crisis team visit me more than once. But, I’m still here. Every time I fall down, I fight my way back up. I’ve never let my demons win. I’ve come close, believe me, but there’s always been a small shred of inner strength that’s pulled me back up.

I have a really tight support network too, which definitely helps. My husband is my rock. He’s literally seen me at my worst, and stuck by me like glue. I’m so so thankful I have him by my side. He’s saved me from myself on so many occasions. Also, my biggest protective factor, is my daughter. I fight my demons, so that she has her mummy. I know she needs me, and I need her. She’s my absolute world, and I would do anything to be well and here on earth to be her mummy. Becoming a mum changed my whole perspective on life, and whilst I still have rough times, she’s my main driving force to always get past the rough times and find my happy self again.

I’m medicated with Lamotrigine and Sertraline, which *touch wood* is working pretty well for me at the moment. Keeping me relatively stable, and there’s room in the dosages to tweak them if needs be too.

I know my mental health is something that I will battle with for my entire life. But I’m not ashamed, I’m not defined by my conditions, and 99% of the time, I’m the one in control of them. I can’t say that 1% will ever go away, but it’s something I’ve learnt to deal with now. Others around me are aware of my signs and symptoms of relapse, so can spot when I’m no longer in control, and help me to get it back.

It saddens me how much stigma and misunderstanding there is of mental health. When it’s just as important as physical health, and both need treatment. People like myself, don’t need judgement or criticism. We don’t need people telling us to “just think positive” or to “snap out of it”. Those are not in any way useful, and only make us feel worse. I can’t imagine anyone would choose to feel mentally unwell. It’s a never ending rollercoaster, that you can’t get off. Another familiar phrase we hear is “what have you got to be depressed about? There’s people worse off than you!”. Whilst yes, that may well be true, it’s not a case of a persons circumstances that cause mental illness; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it’s certainly not picky about whom it affects. You could be the richest person in the world, and still suffer from depression. Similarly, you could have nothing and feel on top of the world. Mental illness is real. It’s not something we give ourselves, we’re not contagious and we’re not a danger to anyone but ourselves. So please, don’t be afraid of someone mentally unwell. Don’t turn your back and walk away. Talk to that person. Ask them if there’s anything they can do that may help. Even if it’s just to sit with that person, in total silence, just so they don’t feel alone. If someone comes to you, with thoughts of hurting themselves, don’t ignore it. Get them somewhere safe and call 999 for help.

Sometimes, those with the biggest smiles, are those hiding the most pain. Those seemingly living life to the full, with everything going amazingly well, are the ones struggling the most behind closed doors. What people show on social media, is merely a snapshot in time. Faking a smile is pretty easy, when you have done it so many times. Putting on make up, nice clothes and doing your hair, doesn’t mean that everything is okay. We often hide behind a mask, whilst we are crying on the inside, and screaming in our head, but not making a sound. Once that photo is taken, and posted on social media, the smile will fade, the tears begin to fall and we can crumble back into that black hole of despair. Whilst everyone around us, sees that photo of a well dressed, made up, smiley happy person. They think that we’re okay, when truthfully we’re as far from okay as we can be.

But, where there is pain, there is always hope. Nothing lasts forever. The bad times will pass, and your smile will return. Maybe it won’t be as quickly as you’d like, but it’ll happen. Recovery is totally possible. Although, recovery is by no means a cure, it’s possible to live your life, and not let it control you. Never be ashamed if you take medication. Never be afraid to admit that you’re struggling. Reach out, ask for help. Talk to a friend or family, someone that you trust. You don’t have to suffer in silence and face the demons alone. There is always someone there to help and support you.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry, to scream, to shout, and to let it all out. Bottling it up only makes it worse in the long run. It will bubble away inside of you, until it reaches boiling point and you explode. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know it happens. But I also know, that even the worst times in life, can be overcome. Life can be okay again, in fact it can be great and better than before. Because once you’ve been to the lowest depths of mental illness, when you come back up, you see things in new ways. You appreciate a lot more. You stop taking things for granted. You open your eyes to new possibilities. You take chances that you wouldn’t have before. And most of all, you come back stronger. Rock bottom gives you a solid foundation, on which to rebuild yourself, and your life.

Right, I need to try and get my little monkey to go to sleep! (Been writing this post since 8pm, it’s now 10.20pm!!)

Night all x