Today has been a whole truck load of epic shit. Started far too early at around 4am, and didn’t really improve much. Literally every part of my body hurts. I feel utterly exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally…. it feels like 1 more push, and I’ll drop over the edge. A breakdown isn’t far away, and it scares me. I hope, with every ounce of strength I can muster, that I can claw my way back up before it consumes me.
The saving grace after such a shitty day, was when my beautiful daughter, said clearly and fully pronounced “I love you mummy”, then fell asleep whilst holding my hand. My heart literally melted like an ice cube in a frying pan. Tears filled my eyes, and I felt so much love and all the shit of the day just melted away into a distant memory. I may be struggling, but I’ll keep fighting as hard as I can, to keep afloat and not fall completely. I need to, for my baby girl.
Tomorrow, we’re visiting a pre-school, and I feel super emotional about it. I know the time will come eventually, but I really wish it wasn’t so soon. It feels like the past 2 and a half years have flown by, and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a beautiful little human, with so much love to give. I know she’ll love the experience of pre-school and making friends, learning and having fun. It’ll be me that’s an emotional mess, leaving my baby in the care of someone else. I’ve never left her with anyone except her daddy. She’s my precious girl, and no matter how tired or stressed I am, I’m better when she’s with me. My anxiety when we’re apart for any length of time, is quite frankly horrible. Its completely irrational probably, but she’s literally my everything and I just hate being away from her. I feel like a totally shit mum sometimes, when I get ratty and cross with her, but I hope she understands as she gets older, that it’s only because I care about her so so much. I do my best, always. Everything I do, every breath I take, is for her. Shes the reason I wake up in the mornings (quite literally!) and the reason I will never stop fighting my demons, no matter how hard they try to kick my ass.
I’m determined to give my daughter the best possible life. She’s so deserving of it, and I’ll make sure it happens, no matter what. I don’t care if I have to go without things or sacrifice anything for her sake, she’s totally worth it.
My first, my last, my everything. I love her to the moon and back, with every beat of my heart, that love grows stronger.