Lockdown….

Lockdown….

Good morning all!

My last post was over a month ago, so figured I’d best pop in and catch up again! ๐Ÿ˜‚

How are you all doing during this tough time? I’m having good days and bad days. Having to stay home is tough, when it’s not by choice. I’m not the most outgoing and social person anyway, generally only leave the house to go to the shop, doctors or the school run. But at least I knew I could go out for other reasons if I wanted to, like for coffee with a friend or to the cinema. Now, it’s like being a prisoner in your own home. Getting groceries is difficult, as all the home delivery slots and even click and collect slots, are booked up for weeks. Going to the stores takes ages, with the queuing to get in and being mindful of social distancing whilst shopping. My anxiety is often through the roof, and there is a small element of cabin fever going on too.

I try to look at the positives of the situation though, to try and stay upbeat and hopeful. The positives I’ve realised are:

  • More time spent with my daughter. Making memories and really reconnecting with her.
  • More time to organise, decluttering and sort out things in the house that I’ve wanted to do for so long, but never had the time.
  • More time to try and practice self care. Not being in a hurry to go anywhere or do anything, and being able to just take our time to do things. Today I’ve done a full facial skin care routine and put make up on. It’s so rare that I make a proper effort on my skincare, and even rarer that I put on makeup!

There are so many things too, that you realise you all too often, take for granted or don’t do often enough. Things like texting a friend, or calling a relative. Visiting elderly family, and spending time with them. In normal every day life, there’s so much hustle and bustle, we’re constantly on the go doing something, and the call or text or visit you keep meaning to do, never happens. Times like these, really do make you appreciate what you have and what you should be thankful for. It also makes you realise how precious and fragile life is. Tomorrow is never promised, it’s something we hope for but have no control over. Life is shorter than you think. Days, weeks, months, even years, pass by in the blink of an eye, when we’re all too busy with daily life. We never stop to take in the moment. To take a deep breath, step back, and appreciate everything you can see, or hear. Mindfulness is a thing we should all be doing. I’ll admit, I’ve not ever really been truly mindful or practised it properly. But it’s something I’m trying hard to do more of. When you look out of the window today, look at everything you can see. Take it in, be grateful for it, and keep reminding yourself to never to take any of it for granted.

Times are certainly tough right now, and the coming weeks and months are filled with so much uncertainty and anxiety.

I think if we had an end date it would be easier to cope. But the fear of the unknown is so hard. We all like to know what’s happening next, so we can prepare for it and expect it. But at the moment, you can’t prepare for something you have no idea about. Uncertainty is difficult to get to grips with. Plans can’t be made, or plans that had been made have to be cancelled. Life as we knew it, has stopped, or at the very least, paused. But the world keeps on turning. The wind still blows, the rain still falls. The clouds still float across the sky and the sun still shines. The moon still comes up and the stars still burn brightly in the night sky. Environmental factors, don’t have a pause button. They can’t be stopped. They just keep going, day in, day out. Flowers still grow, trees still stand tall. Time keeps ticking by, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.

Every second of everyday, take in the joy, the positives, the good things in life, that are too often forgotten about. Mend that drawer or paint that wall. Life is a a seriously precious thing, don’t waste any part of it. Dream big, have faith and hope, and don’t take anything or anyone for granted. If you love someone, tell them. If you miss someone, call them. Don’t procrastinate, because it could end up being too late.

Stay safe all, and I’ll check in again soon x

Marching on!

Marching on!

Hello all!

So, today is March 1st. The 3rd chapter of 2020, and a chance to start fresh with a new mindset, new goals, and new ideas. My main goal this month, is to stick to the budget I set up, and make it from now until the 31st without running out of money or having bills going unpaid. I want to get on top of our financial situation and boss it, rather than it boss me. I’ve had enough of worrying about paying bills or stressing about feeding my family. I don’t want to have to resort to visiting the food bank anymore, and I don’t want to have to borrow money from friends or family to get by. I’m 35 and really should be standing on my own feet by now. I’m a mother and a wife, and whilst my health restricts me from working and earning an income, I am determined to do the best I can with what we do get. Things are finally turning around with money, and the improvement is a massive relief. I feel far less stressed, and it’s a great feeling. There’s always that element of fear and reluctance to relish the moment entirely, because I’m always afraid that it’ll all go to shit again. Anxiety is an absolute nightmare, and does tend to really hinder my life. I wish I could let go, and enjoy the fact that life is good right now. I guess it’ll always be like that for me though, but I’ll plod on like I’ve always done.

On another topic, parenting. It’s hard. Like, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Yes it’s rewarding, and I do feel truly blessed to be a mother. But, it is all consuming and utterly exhausting. Both mentally and physically. There are days, when I feel so out of my depth and overwhelmed, that I honestly don’t know how to keep going. The three year old stage has been the hardest age so far. It’s brought with it, attitude, anger, defiance, stubbornness, misbehaving on purpose, and so much more. We’ve had sleep issues, food issues, and stress levels have been well and truly off the scale. As a family, we’ve been through so much, and inevitably the strain does start to take its toll. September to December 2019, saw us battling illness after illness, and we were glad to see the back of it. But then January came around and J went back to preschool, and once again the perpetual cycle of illness started again. Added to that, the above mentioned problems, and I’m totally frazzled to the max. I know that the behaviour stuff is all part of her emotional development and she’s learning constantly, how to manage her behaviour, what’s appropriate and what’s not, boundaries, and all of that. I realise it’s probably just as hard for her, as it is for us, if not more so. It must be so hard to process it all and make sense of it in her head. I do my best to guide her, reassure her, and be there for her. But there are times I feel I’m less than what I should be. I lose my temper far more often than I’d like. I say things I instantly regret. And it makes me feel utterly awful and like a total failure. I feel like I’m letting her down, and not doing the best for her as I should be. I question myself every day, and beat myself up over the most ridiculous things. In her eyes though, I’m her world. Her safe place, her comfort, her support, and she loves me unconditionally. I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is hard though, especially when I’m tired, or in pain. It all gets very draining and my brain feels fried by the end of the day.

It’s hard to comprehend that J will be 4 in just over 4 months. Then starting in reception class in about 6 months. It feels like time is flying by and I wish sometimes I could slow it down. As my first and last child, I’m trying to relish everything, all the new milestones and achievements, and moments I know we won’t have again. I know it’ll all be worth it, and I’m sure J will grow up into an amazing woman. I’m so proud of her and love her more than words could ever convey. She may drive me to my limits, push my buttons and deprive me of sleep, but this won’t last forever. So for now, I’ll make the most of every moment, every cuddle, every “love you mumma” and try to be kinder to myself, as I’m doing the best I can.

Much love,

X

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

2020 – let the new adventures begin!

Good evening all!

I’ve decided to keep this blog running, to see if I can bring it back to life! I hope this post finds you all well? Myself, not so much! I literally feel like I’m falling apart! I’ve had several new diagnoses this year already, and potentially adding another to it. I’m currently waiting on blood test results, as they think I may be heading back down the road of chronic fatigue syndrome, like I had in my early 20s. I’ve also got high blood pressure, which is likely due to my weight and stress levels lately. 2019 wasn’t the best year for us, so many things went wrong, in some cases catastrophically. Financially we seriously struggled, but we’re slowly building ourselves back up, and I’m hopeful of getting back into a better position where money is concerned. I’m making changes to the way we do things, prioritising bills etc, and really trying to keep track of where our money goes. Literally every penny is being accounted for! I’ll openly admit that I’ve never been good with money, it’s been an issue for me since I was old enough to work and earn it. I’d often spend it before I’d got it, and payday saw it hit and leave my bank account simultaneously! But back then I lived with my grandparents, and didn’t have all the responsibility that I do now. Adulting can surely suck sometimes haha. I’m determined to get it under control and be fully organised with it all. I’ll keep you posted on that one, fingers crossed for me!!

We’ve also been dealing with a threenager, and honestly, it’s been the hardest age so far. I think we got off very lightly with the so called ‘Terrible twos!’ and we’re paying for it now! We’ve had lots of issues with sleep, patience, listening, and just behaviours in general. The good generally outweighs the bad thankfully, but in that moment when it’s bad, I genuinely despair and don’t know how we’ll get through it and out the other side. I’ve been pretty brutal on myself, very self critical, and blamed myself for so many things. I’ve regretted things I’ve said or done so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve found myself literally having to walk out of the house, just to get that moment to myself to calm and step back from the situation, otherwise I think I’d completely lose myself. I’ve had some very low times, where I’ve felt so lost and depressed, that I’ve shut down and genuinely been a horrible person to be around. I try my hardest to put on the brave face and all that, but it does get hard to sometimes. I don’t want J picking up on it too much though, as I know it’ll affect her negatively.

Aside from the struggles we’re having, she’s truly flourishing in other ways. Since starting preschool last September, she’s learning and developing at such a pace, I can’t keep up! Her speech and language has gotten so good, you can have a fairly good conversation with her, and she’s able to communicate her needs etc, which makes things alot easier in certain areas! She’s coming out of herself, her confidence is growing and she’s very keen to learn and try new things. She loves everything creative, like drawing, colouring, dancing, singing and making music. She has the most incredible imagination, and sometimes it’s like she goes into her own little bubble, making up scenarios and characters, and having little adventures with her dinosaurs, animals and dolls. It’s so lovely to watch. Preschool say she’s a wonderful child to have, and that she has a very caring and kind nature. They say she’s above average in some key areas of the EYFS, which makes us super proud! She’s also pretty much potty training herself! We’ve let her lead the way the whole time, so that she does things when she is ready. I won’t push her into doing things, as that makes her less keen on doing them. Whereas when she initiates things, she feels in control and it goes so much smoother and it’s less stressful all round! I don’t think it’ll be too much longer before she’s fully cracked it, as she’s doing so well with it currently. A few accidents here and there, but for the first week being out of nappies, she’s bossing it!

I still can’t comprehend the fact that in just over 5 months, she will be 4 years old, and then starting reception at primary school in September! Time seems to have just flown by, and I often wish I could slow it down or even pause it a while, to savour the moments more and relish in the adventures we have. I know I can’t though, so I’m really trying to make the most of every minute, make memories, and have lots of fun with our sweet girl. She’s going to do amazing things in her future, and I’m excited for her!

Right, there’s things I need to get done this evening, and I’m feeling pretty tired, so will sign off now. I really hope I can get this blog back up where it was all those months ago!

Take care all, and have a great weekend!

Mumma7716 x

Look who’s back ๐Ÿ˜Ž

Look who’s back ๐Ÿ˜Ž

Hey hey hey!!

I’m so very sorry for being so absent of late. Looking at my posts, the last time I blogged was back in May!! That’s terrible, and I feel really sorry for neglecting you all! So, I’m making it my mission, to write every Friday! And more in between if I can. I really want to make this blog a success, and if I don’t write, that’s not going to happen!

So, a brief catch up is in order!

My baby, is now 3!! How did that even happen?! Time sure does fly, way too fast! When I was pregnant, people kept telling me it would be like that, but I always laughed it off. Now I’m living it, I see just how right they all were! It’s been such a wild ride these past 3 years. I think I’ve been through every emotion possible a million times, and most likely aged and my hair has greyed a fair bit too! But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I absolutely love being a mum, and despite it being the hardest thing I’ve ever done, parenting, to me, is truly a blessing. After such a long journey trying to conceive, I’d just about given up hope of ever being a mum. So to be 3 years into mum life, I count my blessings daily.

It does have its moment of everything being so overwhelming though, and times when I really doubt myself and my parenting abilities. I only have to look at my daughter though, to see how happy and content she is, and she’s so learning and growing so well, I know I’m doing okay. My husband and I are a good team, and get through the rough with the smooth, and I’m proud of us. Yes we’re winging it every day ๐Ÿ˜‚ but we’re doing alright!

So tell me lovely followers, what would you like to see on this blog? I have a few ideas, such as product reviews (I have a couple in mind to write up in the next week or so) and also parenting hacks and life organising kinda stuff. Mental health will be a strong influence in the background, and I’ll focus on it at times when it’s relevant. I feel it’s important to keep talking about it, and continue to break down those walls of stigma surrounding it, and help people feel less alone, and that it’s genuinely okay to not be okay sometimes.

Pop me a comment and let me know your thoughts. This blog is just as much for my followers, if not more so, as it is for me. What started out all those years ago, as a form of therapy for me during a really tough time in my life, has grown and blossomed into something entirely different and something I’m genuinely proud of. It’s an open and honest blog, and always will be. I don’t see the point of hiding the truth, when times are hard, I’ll say so. Likewise when they’re great, I’ll say that too! For every hard time, is a better time just around the corner. You can’t have sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it can’t rain all the time either. Life is for living, and totally what you make it. So give it your best shot, you deserve it, you’re worth it and it’s only you who can make it happen!

Thanks to all who have stuck around despite the long silences, I am determined to do better!!

Have a great weekend all, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Mumma7716 x

Real, raw and honest….

Real, raw and honest….

Feeling pretty pants tonight if I’m honest; still full of cold/flu germs, and despite a pretty chilled day, I’m just so drained and exhausted. All we did today was have baths, and I changed the beds. But its wiped me out. Have only just got J to bed and asleep (11.20pm!!) after a failed attempt earlier on. She has been up and on the go since 8.45am this morning! How she kept going, is beyond me! No nap either…. toddlers eh?! Hoping to feel a bit less “ugh” tomorrow. Am so bored, tired and fed up with always being poorly.

I often feel like my body just hates me ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ if it’s not my brain chemicals causing me issues, it’s my immune system not coping, resulting in me getting a virus or infection; Or my joints aching, swelling or stiffening up like they’ve been filled with concrete, making simple tasks like walking near on impossible; or feeling like my insides are trying to claw their way out…. it never ends! There is always something happening that I have to deal with. Whilst trying my best to be a mum, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a friend…. and generally just adulting. Some days are harder than others, and I get the very rare odd day here and there, where I’m 90% feeling alright….! No two days are really the same though, and I can go to bed feeling okay, and wake up feeling horrendous, or vice versa. It’s all very unpredictable and I think that’s what makes it so frustrating! Never knowing what curve ball will be thrown at me next, and wondering if I’ll have the energy to dodge it, or if it’ll hit me square in the face and knock me down again. Mental health and physical health, go hand in hand. One can’t function without the other, and so many don’t seem to understand that. Mental illness can make you feel physically unwell too, and likewise, being physically unwell can make you feel down and depressed too. Especially when its relentless, one thing after another.

But, I take each day as it comes. A new day, to try again, to fight again, and to do what I need to, to get through it. I make the most of the good times, and repeat “this too shall pass” through the bad. I take the ups with the downs, and live my best life as much as possible. Its important to live for today, always. Because the past is gone, dwelling on it is pointless, as is worrying about the future. They are two times that can’t be changed or predicted, so focus on the here and now. Live fully in each moment and never take anything or anyone for granted. Life is far too short, don’t let it pass you by. Make it count.

Much love, and good night! X

Holding on, just.

Holding on, just.

Hi all,

Thought I’d check in whilst I had 5 minutes to sit and write; things are, in a word, tough.

I’m tired; so very tired. J has been all over the place with her sleep lately, and it’s having such a huge impact on me now. I literally feel like I’m broken. There’s not a part of my body that doesn’t ache; my joints feel stiff and swollen; I’m snappy, irritable, and just generally such a crappy person lately. I hate it. I hate how I am, the crushing lows that I feel, and the fact that I don’t know what to do about it. Yes, I could go to my GP, but there’s very little that she can really do. Tweak my medication maybe? But that’s about it. I’m sick of relying on medication as it is, the last thing I want to be doing is increasing any of them. Especially as there may be more added to the mix once I’ve seen the Rheumatology consultant next month. I feel like a walking pharmacy. Even my hubby commented on the amount of pills I take in a day. It’s ridiculous. But necessary, in order for me to “function”. Even though I don’t feel like I’m functioning at all recently. More like just existing. Plodding on, as I have to, and that’s about it. It’s pretty shit in all honesty.

Today was a proud day though, as we’ve officially started potty training. We’ve totally let J take control, and let us know when she was ready. Today was that day. She actually used the potty, rather than just sitting on it. I think it took her by surprise, as much as it did us too. But I’m so so proud of her. She’s growing up way too fast though, and that’s kinda scary. Every “first” is the last. If that makes sense. I’m not going to be experiencing any of these moments again, so it feels a little bittersweet to be honest. In a way, I’ve tried to put off such things like potty training, to try and keep her as my baby for as long as possible. I realise though, that that’s not fair on her. She’s allowed to grow up, learn new things, take big steps like using the potty today, and she’s allowed to carve her own path in life. I will never hold her back. She’s her own person, and her personality and character are really shining through, and she’s genuinely such a lovely kid to be around. Of course she has her moments, where I’m tearing my hair out in frustration, but she’s just a typical toddler in that respect. They test patience and boundaries, that’s how they learn at the end of the day. If they don’t do things wrong, then they don’t learn the difference between that and doing things right. It’s our job as parents, to ensure their safety, and guide them along the path of growing up, but not to limit them to the extent that they feel suffocated or like they’re wrapped up in cotton wool. Grazed knees, bumps and bruises, are part and parcel of growing up. They’re not something we can prevent, and to be honest, we shouldn’t try. Of course, keeping them out of danger and harms way, is vital. But the rest, we just need to let go and allow them to experience things.

Since becoming a mum, it’s been quite hard for me in many ways. Being a first time mum, over 30, and having mental health problems, I found myself facing a lot of criticism and judgement. I never felt like I was doing a good enough job, and that my way of parenting was wrong. Post Natal Depression kicked my arse. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I literally fell apart. Sleep deprivation is an absolute nightmare, and the demands of a newborn are super intense. There was many times, that I felt like I couldn’t do it, and that I wasn’t good enough. But I battled through it, as my daughter needed me, and I wasn’t about to give up on myself, nor her. Tough times are inevitable, but they do pass. Tough people, get through them. They fight tooth and nail, to get to the other side. To climb out of the low moments, and embrace the good things. No matter how hard it may be, I won’t give up. Every battle I face, I know that I can win. It may not be an immediate victory, and it most likely won’t be easy. But I have the biggest reason to always keep trying. My daughter – my world, my rainbow, my sunshine, my forever love. There will never be a battle that I can’t face up to and win, with my daughter by my side, she gives me the strength and determination.

Of course, I should also say that I fight these battles for my husband too. The love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend. We’ve been having a bit of a rough time recently too, most likely down to the fact we’re both so utterly exhausted, being the parents of a toddler, who resembles more of an energiser bunny most days! For every fight and fall out we have though, I’m sure it makes us stronger as a result. We both apologise, and move on. Some days are harder than others, and I’ve often cried over things, and felt concerned that I’m pushing him away. It would literally break me into a million pieces to lose him. He’s my rock. He’s supported me through literally the worst times of my life, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. It shows me just what unconditional love truly is. He’s been by my side for over 15 years now, and he’s never given up on me. Even when I’ve been a total bitch to him, and been an utter nightmare to live with. He’s defended me, protected me, and blessed me with the gift of our daughter. Simply the greatest gift of all, and seeing him being such a great father too, just makes me love him all the more.

I don’t know if any of this post has really made any sense, but it’s helped me process a few things in my head, and realise just how damn lucky I truly am. We may not have it all, but having each other is enough. I wouldn’t be here now, if it wasn’t for my husband. He came into my life at the exact point when I needed a knight in shining armour to save me. I honestly feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, I may not be rich in terms of money, but I’m most certainly rich in terms of how much I’m loved, needed and wanted. And that to me, is worth more than any amount of money.

I love my little family, and no matter what life throws at us, we’ll face it all together.

Good night all x

^T.U.M^

Living my best life….

Living my best life….

Hey peeps,

My regular day for posting was going to be Sundays, but I felt the need to write today, so here I am!

Today has been a crazy day, starting with a new tattoo (covering up 2 old ones), an epic fall out with someone I thought was a friend, a cheeky toddler who refused to go to bed, and making amends with a former enemy…. at least 2 of those things were totally unexpected!

Here’s the new ink:

It’s a larkspur flower, which is the birth flower of July, the month my daughter was born ๐Ÿ™‚ it covered 2 old tattoos, which over time have lost their significance and it was time for something new. I’m so happy with it, although 2 hours in the chair, was pretty intense. It’s really sore now, as expected, but it’s totally worth it. I have however found out I’m allergic to the aftercare stuff I bought – tattoo goo. So have gone back to my old faithful bepanthen! Had heard such good things about the tattoo goo stuff that I thought it was a good idea. But after washing it with the soap stuff, and applying the lotion a couple of times, it was literally like I’d set fire to my arm! It was so painful, and nothing like the usual fresh ink pain I’ve had in the past! So, I washed it with plain water and put some bepanthen on it, and its settled down thankfully. Still pretty tender, but nothing more than I’m used to!

As for the friend, who is no longer one, well she was slagging me off on a public Facebook page; although she didn’t mention my name, it was so obvious who she was referring to. She then tried to deny it when I confronted her, and then deleted the comment completely. Guilty conscience much?! So yeah, she’s out of my life for good. I don’t need people like that, who can so easily pass judgement and slag off their ‘friends’! She’s always been a bit judgemental, but I certainly didn’t expect her to turn on me like that. But hey ho, life goes on and I’m past caring what people think of me, so ultimately she can take the high jump! C ya! Haha.

Thanks to some moron parked up near us, revving his engine to the point where it nearly blew up, and playing loud distorted music, J refused to go to sleep at bedtime. She eventually went down and was asleep by about 10.30pm. Only 3 hours late…. she’s cute though, so I’ll let her off!

And the last thing, making amends with people I never expected to, but somehow I’m okay and feeling quite relieved about. Hopefully it all continues to be civil and good from here on…. ๐Ÿคž

So in conclusion, and to reference to the title of this post, I’m determined to live my best life. Do what’s best for my daughter, my husband and myself. Everyone else can sort their own shit out. Another thing I forgot to mention above, was being accused of interfering by a family member, when in actual fact I was trying to help and support them through a tough time. But as always, I get it thrown back at me, and it subsequently makes me feel like shit. I try to do my bit to help out, but I literally don’t know why I bother anymore. So I’ve drawn the line, and I’m not going to bother anymore. Which will still be wrong….but sod it. Life is for living, and that’s what I plan to do.

Also, we had confirmation of a pre-school place for September for our little miss! It’s quite overwhelming and emotional for me, but I just know she’ll be fine and really flourish and benefit from it. Just hope I can hold it together at the first drop off….

Anyway, time for a wash of the ink, some more bepanthen, take my meds, and chill. I’m utterly exhausted, bed time soon too probably!!

Live the life you love, love the life you live.

Goodnight x

^T.U.M^ โ™กโ™ก

The struggle is real!

The struggle is real!

Today has been a whole truck load of epic shit. Started far too early at around 4am, and didn’t really improve much. Literally every part of my body hurts. I feel utterly exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally…. it feels like 1 more push, and I’ll drop over the edge. A breakdown isn’t far away, and it scares me. I hope, with every ounce of strength I can muster, that I can claw my way back up before it consumes me.

The saving grace after such a shitty day, was when my beautiful daughter, said clearly and fully pronounced “I love you mummy”, then fell asleep whilst holding my hand. My heart literally melted like an ice cube in a frying pan. Tears filled my eyes, and I felt so much love and all the shit of the day just melted away into a distant memory. I may be struggling, but I’ll keep fighting as hard as I can, to keep afloat and not fall completely. I need to, for my baby girl.

Tomorrow, we’re visiting a pre-school, and I feel super emotional about it. I know the time will come eventually, but I really wish it wasn’t so soon. It feels like the past 2 and a half years have flown by, and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a beautiful little human, with so much love to give. I know she’ll love the experience of pre-school and making friends, learning and having fun. It’ll be me that’s an emotional mess, leaving my baby in the care of someone else. I’ve never left her with anyone except her daddy. She’s my precious girl, and no matter how tired or stressed I am, I’m better when she’s with me. My anxiety when we’re apart for any length of time, is quite frankly horrible. Its completely irrational probably, but she’s literally my everything and I just hate being away from her. I feel like a totally shit mum sometimes, when I get ratty and cross with her, but I hope she understands as she gets older, that it’s only because I care about her so so much. I do my best, always. Everything I do, every breath I take, is for her. Shes the reason I wake up in the mornings (quite literally!) and the reason I will never stop fighting my demons, no matter how hard they try to kick my ass.

I’m determined to give my daughter the best possible life. She’s so deserving of it, and I’ll make sure it happens, no matter what. I don’t care if I have to go without things or sacrifice anything for her sake, she’s totally worth it.

My first, my last, my everything. I love her to the moon and back, with every beat of my heart, that love grows stronger.

^T.U.M^

2019….so far.

2019….so far.

Hey, well, it’s 2 days into the new year, and so far it’s been pretty rubbish. Illness, tiredness, stress, frustration, and general moments when I just feel so overwhelmed by everything, that I just want to hide and cry myself to sleep. Like I literally can’t take anymore at that point. The fight or flight mode kicks in, and I don’t have the energy to fight, so just want to take flight. My moods have been all over the place; up and down, far more than usual. Stress is the biggest factor I think, along with the stinking cold I’ve got, dealing with a toddler with a cold too, and a husband that’s suffering also. I just feel so damn exhausted and broken. I need a fast influx of cash, to sort out all the crappy financial issues, and then start again. But unless I win the lottery, that’s not going to happen. My credit score is utter pants, so no one will give me a loan, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t be able to pay off the loan anyway probably! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!

I actually don’t know where I’m going with this post tonight, I just had the urge to write. Get all the crap out of my head I guess. Ugh, so tired. Think I’ll stop for tonight, I’ll write again soon.

^T.U.M^

 

1 more day….

1 more day….

โ€ฆ.of 2018.

What a year it has been. So many ups and downs; some great times, and some not so great times. But, I survived it all. Like I always do. I’m not knocked down for long, and the comeback is even greater than the fall.

I won’t go into a long overview of the events of this year, as quite frankly, some I’d rather forget and leave in 2018 to be honest. Certain people will also remain in 2018. I don’t regret finding my birth father, but at the same time, I guess it will always hurt how easily he just turned his back on me. After all the promises he made to make up for all the lost years etc, and how he wasn’t going to disappear again…. and then, gone! I find it quite frustrating too, how he wasn’t even prepared to see things from my point of view, or let me explain what I was trying to say. He just blew up in my face and blocked all contact with me. He’s since come off Facebook as well, not sure why. He always said he’d been tempted to many times. It’s probably a good thing. I keep my profile seriously locked down though, so that he can’t get people to check up on me and see what I’m up to. I’d rather he didn’t know. If I’m not worthy of being in his life, then I sure as hell don’t deem him worthy of knowing anything about mine. It makes me sad though, as J really liked her Grandad, even though she only saw him 3 times. Part of me hopes that because she’s so little, she won’t really remember him. I can pretty much say for certain, that he won’t bother to remember her, or me probably. So, that’s all I’m going to say on that subject. It still cuts pretty deep and feels quite raw still, even though it was back in August. Oh well, at least I can hold my head up and say that I tried. It’s not my fault that it didn’t work out, some people just aren’t meant to be in your life, and I guess that’s it really. Life is far too short to hold grudges, resentment, bitterness or hate. It festers away inside of you, and doesn’t do you any good. It’s better just to accept it, let it go and move on.

Ugh, I lingered on that subject far more than I’d intended to. So, moving on!

For the most part, 2018 has been okay. People come and go, and that’s just life. Those who truly care, remain. Going forward into 2019, I’m going to focus on those that deserve to be in my life. Time is precious and I’m going to make the most of every minute. I’m also hoping that with a new year, brings me the answers I’m seeking about my physical health. Currently, doctors/consultants are suspecting the Endometriosis, and now also Fibromyalgia. So would be nice to know for certain, so that I can then deal with it all correctly. The constant unknown is so frustrating and worrying too. My brain often goes into overdrive, overthinking it all, and making up scenarios in my head of what it could be, and obviously always the worst case too! It’s driving to the brink of despair. There’s also the looming possibility of having wisdom teeth removed…. which is legitimately terrifying me. I am sick of the brutal pain though, so it would be the best outcome in the long run to have them out!

Anyway, I’ve got to the end of my concentration and train of thought now, so will call it a night. I’m going to try and set myself the goal of posting a blog at the very least, once a week. Most likely, on a Sunday. That was, I can round up the week, and look to the coming week as well. Obviously it doesn’t limit me to just the one post a week, but it’s a good goal to set I think! Anything more than the 1 is just a bonus achievement!!

Right, good night all, and will see you next year…. sort of!

^T.U.M^