Family, life and thoughts….

Family, life and thoughts….

Hi all, apologies for the radio silence once again, days seem to just fly by and I can’t keep up. Things have been pretty hectic with one thing and another, but thought I’d pop in a post whilst I had a spare few minutes!!

So, today, I’m talking about family. Because just lately, I’ve felt so blessed to have my family. People who love and care about me, and I’d genuinely be lost without them.

Family isn’t always about blood relations. It comes in all shapes and sizes. Theres family by marriage, and family by choice too. Like friends for example. Those you’ve known for longer than you can remember, and are like family to you. They know everything about you, and you’d trust them with everything you have. I have several really close friends, who are like brothers and sisters to me. They’ve all got my back, and I theirs.

It’s a shame that certain members of my family by blood, don’t want to be a part of mine. But I’ve come to accept that, and living life to the full without them. I won’t chase those who don’t want to know me, as there’s just no point. It’s a waste of my energy, that I can focus upon those who do want to know me. Despite it all, I still gained 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and some cousins. So it’s not all bad. Ultimately, for those who don’t want to know, it’s their loss, not mine. I lived my life for 33 years without them in it, so there is no doubt I can continue to do so. There’s a vast difference between needing and wanting people in your life. I wanted them in my life, but I don’t need them. It may sound harsh, but it’s true.

I often feel kind of sad about it, because in the beginning it was brilliant. We all got on like we had never been apart. But it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess it’s true what they say about leaving the past in the past, and there’s no point dwelling on it. I succeeded in what I set out to do, that’s what’s important.

My immediate family (daughter and husband) are my everything. The reason I get up in the mornings, despite all the pains and low moods. They’re the reason I carry on fighting, day after day, because they need me, just as much as I need them. My daughter is growing up so so fast, and I’m scared I’ll blink and miss it. She is 3 in just over a month, and then off to preschool in September. I’m still struggling to really get my head around that, and still think back to the early days when she was a tiny baby, fully dependant on me for everything. Of course she is still pretty dependant on me now, but in a totally different way. She loves to be independent, and is constantly pushing and trying to be more so. If you try to help her, you often get told no, she will do it. She’s quite feisty and strong willed, and stubborn just like me! She makes me so proud every single day, of her, but also of myself. I feel so lucky to have been pregnant and given birth to such a beautiful little human. I may hate my body, and how I look, but it did a damn good job of growing a human. And for that, I’m proud. I feel sad for those who struggle or never even get to experience that, and can totally understand the pain and upset it causes. I thought it would never happen for us, and just when I’d about given up all hope, I was pregnant. The most terrifying and exhilarating feeling I’ve ever felt.

In some ways, I miss pregnancy, all those exciting times like scans, first kicks, hearing baby’s heartbeat etc. I miss my bump too, it made me feel genuinely beautiful, and I loved watching it grow. Although not so much the aches and pains that came with it! But it was all worth it, every part of it, to have my precious child.

I’ll leave you all with a few last thoughts for the day: Cherish every single moment with your family, never miss an opportunity to tell them you love them or give them a hug. You never know what tomorrow may bring, life is far shorter than you think. Don’t take for granted anyone, or anything. Because you could lose it quicker than you realise. While you’re wanting more, you’re missing what you already have. Live life for the now, don’t dwell on the past, and the future will take care of itself.
X

Worst 5 days ever.

Worst 5 days ever.

Hey everyone,

Huge apologies for not writing for a while. With one thing and another, its just not happened. I won’t recap on too much, as I’d be here all night, and quite frankly don’t have the energy to do so.

The last 5 days have utterly broken me. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I’m drained. I’ll start from day 1 –

Friday, 20th April: it was evening, and I was in the kitchen, washing up, and my nan called. So stopped to talk to her. Hubby and J were playing in the lounge, J was running around like she always does. And then bang. And an ear piercing scream. I hear hubby say ‘Oh my God’ and he appeared at the kitchen door, holding J, and she was covered in blood. I instantly panicked and told my nan I had to go and hung up on her. Took J from hubby as she wanted me, and checked her over. Thankfully no broken or knocked out teeth, but 2 big holes in her bottom lip. So much blood, and it didn’t seem to want to stop. Hubby called 111, and they said they were sending an ambulance. But then about 20 minutes later, ambulance control called and said there was a 3hr wait, and that it would be quicker for us to take her in ourselves. So off we went. Spent a good couple of hours there, eventually getting home around 11pm. J was asleep by 11.30pm and we collapsed in our chairs and had a cuppa, then headed off to bed too. Exhausted and emotional.

Saturday, 21st April: J woke, and was obviously in pain bless her. So she had calpol etc and we got on with the day as best we could. Hubby’s parents visited in the afternoon, and we took J out to the communal garden for a run around. All was going well, she was having a great time with her nana. Then she fell over, on concrete. Grazing, cutting and bruising her knees quite badly, as she was wearing shorts that day. I had to put plasters on her knees to ‘make better mummy’, as everytime she looked at them she broke down in tears. Once they were covered she semi forgot about it. Another day, another worrying time.

Thankfully, Sunday and Monday passed without much going on. J went to bed as usual last night (Monday) and crashed out, as we had been for a play at the local park in the afternoon, which she had loved and had lots of fun. Now here’s where it gets even worse….

Today, Tuesday 23rd April: J woke up at around 6am, calling for me. Which instantly caused me some concern, as normally if she wakes she just comes through and gets into our bed. She was freezing cold, but wouldn’t let me put the duvet back over her. She then followed me to the bathroom, and I said shall we go have cuddles in mummy and daddys bed. She said no, and went back in her room, and laid on the floor. I called hubby, as I was getting more concerned as clearly something wasn’t right. She wandered around upstairs like she was in a daze or still asleep. Was sick a couple of times, just like phlegm really. She kept trying to hold it back, which was making her feel worse and prolonging it. We managed to get her downstairs, she didn’t want her usual bottle. She was still very much out of sorts, and was vomiting every half hour to an hour, the same phlegmy type stuff. At 8am, we called the doctors, as we wanted to get her checked out. Whilst hubby was sat on hold to them, I popped upstairs to get J some clothes, anticipating a trip to the doctors surgery. I then hear hubby running up the stairs, calling my name. He very rarely calls me by my name these days, its normally mummy. So I knew something was happening. He told me he couldn’t wake her. She had been sick again, then laid down on the floor, and fell asleep. He just had a feeling that something wasn’t right, so he tried to wake her. But couldn’t. Which was when he called for me. I came rushing down the stairs, and saw my sweet girl, lifeless on the floor. I felt sick with worry and panic, and it felt like my heart stopped and then hit the floor. I tried to wake her, shaking her, calling her name, all the nicknames I have for her, and was getting nothing. Put my hand on her chest and was relieved to feel she was still breathing, but she was so pale, almost grey. I told hubby to sod the doctors, just call 999 and I kept trying to wake her. It took a good 3 or 4 minutes to get a response, and then she kind of dropped in and out of sleep/consciousness. She then rolled on her side and vomited again. This time it was bright yellow. The first response paramedics arrived first, and started checking her over and asking us what had been happening. She was more alert by this point thankfully, but still obviously not right. A couple of minutes later, the ambulance crew arrived as well. Poor J looked a little bewildered as she looked around the room, as there were 4 paramedics, as well as me and hubby. The paramedics thought it was best to take her down to A&E for a full check over and to see the paediatric doctors. So I gathered what we needed, and went down to the ambulance with J. Hubby locked up and followed in the car, so that we had a way of getting home! It felt like the longest journey ever. On arrival, the paramedic booked her in, and we went round to the paediatric emergency department. I was so glad to see my hubby in the door way looking around for us. J was weighed, and we were shown to the room where she was going to be in. It feels like a bit of a blur for the most part, but she was constantly checked, and had to pass a fluid challenge (basically drink a full 200ml of Diaoralyte solution and keep it down). She also had some paracetamol too. As time went on, the more she drank, the more she perked up and began to be more like her usual self. After 3hrs of obs and keeping fluids down, we were allowed home. She dozed a little in the car on the way home, but then perked up when she was back in familiar surroundings. Over the afternoon, she grazed on things like crisps, cereal, crackers etc. And was thankfully drinking well too. And was more and more like her normal self. She had more calpol and went off to bed around 8pm, asleep by about 8.20pm. I’m keeping everything crossed, that we have a good night and she wakes up all good in the morning.

3 things in 5 days, is quite enough!! I honestly don’t think I can cope with anymore.

Right, time for some chilling and then hopefully sleeping…. X

9 years ❀

9 years ❀

Hey everyone,

So, today (well yesterday now!) my husband and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. We didn’t do anything special, but then we rarely do! It was just an ordinary day, with our little pickle. But it was still great. It’s crazy how much has happened in those 9 years. I think the biggest things were my breakdown in 2013, facing homelessness twice in 2016, so thus moving twice and having our daughter. (1st house move I was heavily pregnant, 2nd little miss was 4 months old). We’ve seen our fair share of stress and upset, but we’ve also seen some amazing and happy times too.

My husband is my rock; he’s literally by my side, through everything. His support and love have gotten me through some seriously tough times. He’s celebrated my victories, and consoled me during my defeats. He’s raised me up, when I’ve had no strength left. He’s held my hand through the hardest moments of my life, and he’s saved my life more than once. I truly appreciate how lucky I am to have him in my life. I’d be so lost without him. He’s an amazing father to our daughter too, and I love seeing the bond they have. J is a true daddy’s girl! But I love that.

Today was also great, because I received a letter from the consultant neurologist, telling me that the CT head scan was normal, and that his diagnosis was: I had a Reflex Anoxic Seizure (sometimes referred to as a Convulsive Syncope). Which, hopefully, won’t happen again. Although there’s no guarantees. It’s good news though, that there’s nothing seriously wrong going on. It was a welcome relief, as my anxiety has been sky high about it all. I felt like I could relax a bit more about it now!

Tuesday I had a filling drilled out and replaced at the dentists. That was fun, not! And tomorrow, I’m back at the hospital to the dental clinic, about my wisdom teeth. I had a CT for that too, to see how close the root of my bottom wisdom teeth are to the nerve in my jaw. If it’s too close, they’ll refuse to remove them. So it’s kinda 50/50 I guess as to what will happen. Watch this space, as they say!!

Been a bit of an emotional end to the day this evening, as a good friend of mine is currently in ICU, after stopping breathing in her sleep at the weekend. Its worrying me a lot 😭 I was only talking to her last week, I really hope she’s going to be okay πŸ–€

I think that’s pretty much summed up what’s been going on since I last posted! Going to head off to bed shortly, am utterly shattered! Thanks for reading! I will get that guest post up soon, I promise!!

Night all x

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Hey everyone,

I’ve got to apologise once again, for being missing in action for so long!! Everytime I’ve thought “I’ll get a blog post up tonight”, something has cropped up, or I’ve fallen asleep, or other such things have occurred. Its frustrating, but that’s life I suppose!!

So, a bit of a catch up is once again due!

I should really read my last post before posting new ones, but I never do πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ so I also apologise if I repeat myself!

If I remember rightly, the last post was shortly after I was really unwell and taken to hospital by ambulance. It took a fair while to recover from that, which was pretty frustrating. But thankfully, I’m pretty much back to normal; well normal for me anyway!

I’ve since seen the neurology consultant, who said he feels that it was a one off, and not as a result of anything sinister going on in my brain, or epilepsy. Which is a relief. He did send me for a CT brain scan, which I had yesterday, just to make sure all is good in there. He said he would write to me with the results, and what, if any, further action needs to happen. If the scan is fine, then I’ve no need to go back to see him. I also had my full body bone scan yesterday. It was a seriously long day at the hospital. I arrived at around 10.30am, and didn’t leave until about 6pm. Getting home at just before 7pm! The bone scan was what took the longest, as it involved having an injection at 12pm (although my appointment time was 11.15!) And then waiting until 3.30pm for the scan. To allow the radioactive stuff to get into my bones. So boring on my own! Had lunch at Costa, and then wandered about for what felt like forever. Sat in the outpatients garden for a bit too, and read a book. Finally got to 3pm and I headed back up to the nuclear medicine department for the scan. The scan took about 30 minutes, which wasn’t so bad. I left that department around 4pm. Then had to pass the time once again, until 5.45pm for the CT scan! Which thankfully, I was seen 5 minutes early and was out and on the bus by 6pm! Longest. Day. Ever. I was utterly exhausted by the time I got home, and still feel pretty drained today! But glad they’re both done! Now the waiting for the results…. ugh.

Can’t recall if I mentioned having the Mirena Coil put in, in my last post. But I finally gave in and went through with it. Seriously painful procedure (for me anyway, some women don’t feel a thing!). Made me feel quite unwell for a day or 2, and very bad cramps on and off too. But once it had settled, it’s not been too bad. Hopefully it’ll be a positive thing and make life with Endometriosis a bit easier! Am back to see the gynae consultant in May, so we shall see what’s going to happen next, if anything.

2nd of April, I’m having an MRIS on my joints. Not much looking forward to that. The MRI machine is so loud and claustrophobic, so I struggle with that. But hopefully it’ll be okay. That’s the 2nd test that the rheumatology consultant requested. First being the bone scan. Not seeing him until August though, unless the results require me to go sooner. Yet again, another waiting game!

I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow to check in and update her on what’s been going on. Then next week, I’ve got dentist for a filling to be drilled out and redone. I just need a break from treatments, tests, scans, doctors, hospitals….everything! I’m so tired and done with it all now. Feel like I’m falling apart piece by piece! At the age of 34…. oh the joys!

Anyways, I’m gonna go chill out now for a bit before heading off to bed. I’ll be back fairly soon, as I’m guest writing for education.com again! Was asked a few weeks back if I’d like to write for them again, and of course said yes! But with one thing and another, I’m yet to actually do the post! πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ it’s on my to-do list for this weekend! Hopefully!!

Thanks for reading, hope you’re all having a good week!! X

Chaos & cuss words.

Chaos & cuss words.

Hey everyone,

Sincerest apologies for not writing for a while; have had, what can only be described, as a hellish week last week. All starting on the Sunday (24th February). Grab a cuppa, this may be a long one!

****TRIGGER WARNING**** (vomiting, hospital)

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So, had a pretty chilled day that Sunday, took J for a run around at the park, and I actually put make up on for the first time in a long while! Came home, and hadn’t got much in that was quick for dinner, so decided to order a takeaway. Honestly wish we hadn’t. But, we did, we ate, it was good. Then, about half an hour to an hour after eating, I started to feel queasy. Thinking not much of it, as I was due my monthly, and normally get some degree of nausea in the lead up to it. Got on with things, as I always do, got little miss to bed etc and relaxed with hubby. I was getting more and more nauseous by the minute though, and anxiety started to kick in, knowing something wasn’t right and the likelihood of being physically unwell was high. Around midnight, the feeling intensified, and I knew I was going to be sick. Made a dash for the kitchen sink, as wasn’t going to make it upstairs quick enough. Was violently sick. Dizzy, sweaty, shaky and generally feeling totally rough (as you do when you’re sick!). Hoping it was only going to be the once, had some water and splashed my face with cool water, disinfected the sink and went and sat back in the lounge to recover.

1am rolls round, we hadn’t yet gone up to bed, and I feel sick again. Worse than before. Get to the kitchen, getting more and more dizzy by the second, barely being able to see where the sink was. I remember reaching the sink, leaning up against it as everything had gone black and fuzzy, so I was just hoping I would vomit into the sink…. then, bang.

Next thing I know, I’m sat on the kitchen floor, covered in vomit, sitting in vomit and potentially pee, with my husband on the phone and holding me upright. I hadn’t a clue who I was, where I was or what had happened. The only thing I knew for sure, was that I was in a lot of pain and really not well at all. My husband was on the phone to 999. Paramedics arrived shortly after I come round, and checked me over, ecg, BP, temperature etc. They said I needed to be taken to hospital for further tests and observation. It turns out, I’d collapsed and had a seizure. The first ever in my life. My husband had heard the bang, and came to the kitchen, to find me on the floor. He grabbed the phone and called straight away, and whilst he was doing so, I started convulsing, and my hands went into like claw shapes, really rigid. I remember when I came round, that my hands were still pretty rigid and I couldn’t open them. He also had to pull me forwards, as my head went back as I was vomiting, and I started choking.

It was quite honestly the most terrifying experience of my life. I actually thought I was going to die. I was in hospital by around 2.30am, booked in by the paramedics, and had another ecg. Then had to sit in the main waiting area, to be seen. A young boy came in with his dad, complaining of stomach pains. Then was promptly sick everywhere. Not helpful for me at all (obviously I know it wasn’t intentional, poor boy, I really felt for him). A few minutes later, that rising feeling came back in my stomach, and I called to the nurse for a bowl. She only just managed to get it to me in time, and I was really sick again. She made a call and grabbed a wheelchair, and whisked me to the majors unit, into a side room. Which was much better for me, and the other patients.

I was settled in to the bed by a male nurse, and he told me that another nurse would come and put a cannula in, and take some bloods. After that, he came back and gave me some anti sickness meds. Which was a welcome relief. I was seen by a couple of doctors, then put on IV fluids for an hour or so. Once the bloods had come back, they weren’t flagging anything of major concern, and I’d not had another seizure or vomited, so at around 5.30am, I was discharged. Under strict instructions to rest, drink plenty of fluids, not to drive (I don’t anyway), and to avoid hot baths or showers. Also, they’d made an urgent referral for me to be seen at the seizure clinic.

I walked out of A&E, still feeling pretty dazed and confused, and then had to work out how to get home. As obviously hubby had stayed home with J, and I couldn’t ask him to come get me and wake her. So, checked bus times, over an hours weight for the first bus of the day. So called for a taxi instead. Β£13.30 !! For a 20 minute journey. Its mental. But, I was just happy to be home. Then had to call hubby to let me in, as all I’d got with me was my phone. Hadn’t taken any keys or a fob. Took 5 calls, but eventually raised him and he let me in, and I literally went straight upstairs, into pjs, and into bed. Utterly drained and exhausted.

It’s been a rough week recovering, still not 100%, but a lot better than I was. They don’t know what caused the seizure, as I’m not (as far as I know) epileptic. There’s a few possibilities, such as a spike in temperature or a sudden drop in blood pressure. As I had a high temp and low BP when the paramedics arrived. I’ll hopefully know more once I’ve been to the seizure clinic on the 11th.

Phew. Told you it was a long one! If you’ve read this far, thank you! I’ll update as and when I know what’s happening with that side of things, and obviously anything else that seems blog-worthy!

Hope you’re all good and have a great week! πŸ–€

Oh, and I’ve sworn to never have a takeaway ever again! πŸ˜‚

X

Facebook page.

Facebook page.

Hey everyone,

Just a quick check in, to say that I would love for any of my followers here, to pop over to Facebook (if you have it) and give my page a like. I post daily, often more than once. It’s far easier for me to pop a quick post on there, than it is to sit and write a blog post. Of course I’ll still be here and write as often as I’m able. But predominantly, my page sees a lot more action, so to speak!! πŸ˜‚

Here is the link to my page πŸ‘‡πŸ‘‡πŸ‘‡πŸ‘‡

Mumma 7716

I believe it shows to the side of my blog posts too…. πŸ–€

Much love,

Mumma:7716 X

Untitled ramblings.

Untitled ramblings.

It’s just gone 1am, and my mind is a hive of activity. Despite being so overwhelmingly tired and should really get to bed, I just can’t stop my mind from overthinking and over analysing stuff.

The last couple of days, have been so hard. Depression is genuinely crushing me, to the point where sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Getting up in the morning is still a struggle, although a lot of that is down to lack of sleep, but also because I just cannot be bothered to be an adult. Add to that the aches and pains all over my body, and I just feel shit. All the time. I hobble around, as if I’m an OAP sometimes, and I’m getting so fed up with it.

Today I built a toddler bed for our daughter, in the vain hope that it would help with our issues of getting her to sleep at night. Nope. Still an utter shit storm of stress and frustration all round. She finally gave in at around midnight. I was tempted to then just crawl into bed myself, but I just needed some time to sit, zone out in front of the TV, not do anything much at all. Then my brain just kicks into overdrive, the self doubt floods in and the critical thinking jumps on board too. The “I’m a shit mum” and “you have no idea what the f**k you’re doing” are the most prominent. As well as the overwhelming urges to self harm or worse. It’s been over 4 years since I last self harmed, and in that time, I’ve never had such a strong, demanding urge in my head, to do it, like I have right now. I do my best to distract myself, but it’s like a constant niggle in the back of my mind, on and on and on. Telling me to do it. Over and over again. I know that if I do, I’ll be so disappointed in myself and full of guilt. But at the same time, I keep thinking, just the once won’t do any harm, and then maybe the urges will stop. And then I think, but what if they don’t stop? What if I keep getting them and keep acting on them, over and over, until…. too much. I’m honestly at a loss.

I’m trying my hardest to keep my head above water, but it feels like I’m walking in lead boots through treacle. Every step gets harder, and I’m constantly battling to keep standing. I feel like I’m sinking more and more every day. I need a month of sleep. I literally just want to hibernate right now.

I’m sorry for all the negativity, but I’m adamant I’ll always keep it real, raw and honest. There’s no use pretending or hiding behind a fake smile. Its exhausting enough as it is, without holding up a pretense too. I’m worn out. And clinging on by my fingertips. Scared that my fingers will just let go….

X