Untitled ramblings.

Untitled ramblings.

It’s just gone 1am, and my mind is a hive of activity. Despite being so overwhelmingly tired and should really get to bed, I just can’t stop my mind from overthinking and over analysing stuff.

The last couple of days, have been so hard. Depression is genuinely crushing me, to the point where sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Getting up in the morning is still a struggle, although a lot of that is down to lack of sleep, but also because I just cannot be bothered to be an adult. Add to that the aches and pains all over my body, and I just feel shit. All the time. I hobble around, as if I’m an OAP sometimes, and I’m getting so fed up with it.

Today I built a toddler bed for our daughter, in the vain hope that it would help with our issues of getting her to sleep at night. Nope. Still an utter shit storm of stress and frustration all round. She finally gave in at around midnight. I was tempted to then just crawl into bed myself, but I just needed some time to sit, zone out in front of the TV, not do anything much at all. Then my brain just kicks into overdrive, the self doubt floods in and the critical thinking jumps on board too. The “I’m a shit mum” and “you have no idea what the f**k you’re doing” are the most prominent. As well as the overwhelming urges to self harm or worse. It’s been over 4 years since I last self harmed, and in that time, I’ve never had such a strong, demanding urge in my head, to do it, like I have right now. I do my best to distract myself, but it’s like a constant niggle in the back of my mind, on and on and on. Telling me to do it. Over and over again. I know that if I do, I’ll be so disappointed in myself and full of guilt. But at the same time, I keep thinking, just the once won’t do any harm, and then maybe the urges will stop. And then I think, but what if they don’t stop? What if I keep getting them and keep acting on them, over and over, until…. too much. I’m honestly at a loss.

I’m trying my hardest to keep my head above water, but it feels like I’m walking in lead boots through treacle. Every step gets harder, and I’m constantly battling to keep standing. I feel like I’m sinking more and more every day. I need a month of sleep. I literally just want to hibernate right now.

I’m sorry for all the negativity, but I’m adamant I’ll always keep it real, raw and honest. There’s no use pretending or hiding behind a fake smile. Its exhausting enough as it is, without holding up a pretense too. I’m worn out. And clinging on by my fingertips. Scared that my fingers will just let go….

X

The struggle is real!

The struggle is real!

Today has been a whole truck load of epic shit. Started far too early at around 4am, and didn’t really improve much. Literally every part of my body hurts. I feel utterly exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally…. it feels like 1 more push, and I’ll drop over the edge. A breakdown isn’t far away, and it scares me. I hope, with every ounce of strength I can muster, that I can claw my way back up before it consumes me.

The saving grace after such a shitty day, was when my beautiful daughter, said clearly and fully pronounced “I love you mummy”, then fell asleep whilst holding my hand. My heart literally melted like an ice cube in a frying pan. Tears filled my eyes, and I felt so much love and all the shit of the day just melted away into a distant memory. I may be struggling, but I’ll keep fighting as hard as I can, to keep afloat and not fall completely. I need to, for my baby girl.

Tomorrow, we’re visiting a pre-school, and I feel super emotional about it. I know the time will come eventually, but I really wish it wasn’t so soon. It feels like the past 2 and a half years have flown by, and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a beautiful little human, with so much love to give. I know she’ll love the experience of pre-school and making friends, learning and having fun. It’ll be me that’s an emotional mess, leaving my baby in the care of someone else. I’ve never left her with anyone except her daddy. She’s my precious girl, and no matter how tired or stressed I am, I’m better when she’s with me. My anxiety when we’re apart for any length of time, is quite frankly horrible. Its completely irrational probably, but she’s literally my everything and I just hate being away from her. I feel like a totally shit mum sometimes, when I get ratty and cross with her, but I hope she understands as she gets older, that it’s only because I care about her so so much. I do my best, always. Everything I do, every breath I take, is for her. Shes the reason I wake up in the mornings (quite literally!) and the reason I will never stop fighting my demons, no matter how hard they try to kick my ass.

I’m determined to give my daughter the best possible life. She’s so deserving of it, and I’ll make sure it happens, no matter what. I don’t care if I have to go without things or sacrifice anything for her sake, she’s totally worth it.

My first, my last, my everything. I love her to the moon and back, with every beat of my heart, that love grows stronger.

^T.U.M^

World Mental Health Day ❤️ 10/10/18

World Mental Health Day ❤️ 10/10/18

Hey everyone,

So, as today is World Mental Health day, I thought I’d focus solely on that topic for today’s post.

For those new to my blog, I figured I’d write about my own personal experience of mental illness, and where I’m at today.

I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 16, and from then on, I’ve spent more time taking medication than not. Over the years, I developed other mental illnesses on top – anxiety (both generalised and social), body dysmorphia, OCD and health anxiety. I self harmed, a lot. I self medicated with alcohol and became pretty much a functioning alcoholic. This all manifested together, and caused a psychotic episode that lasted the best part of a year, perhaps longer. It’s a bit of a blurry, hazy time of my life to be honest. I don’t fully remember all the details, dates etc. But I know it wasn’t good. In that time, I lived a weird kind of double life, where I had a whole different world in my head, and to me it was totally real. I saw people and heard voices that weren’t there, and totally lost my sense of who I was, and my real life. This came to a head in August 2013, when I had a full breakdown. Broke down in tears at work and was sent home. Went to my GP that afternoon, and things rolled from there really. Psychiatrists, specialists, CBT, and then in April 2014, a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder. I’ve been in and out of the care of the mental health team since then; have been on suicide watch, nearly sectioned a few times and had the crisis team visit me more than once. But, I’m still here. Every time I fall down, I fight my way back up. I’ve never let my demons win. I’ve come close, believe me, but there’s always been a small shred of inner strength that’s pulled me back up.

I have a really tight support network too, which definitely helps. My husband is my rock. He’s literally seen me at my worst, and stuck by me like glue. I’m so so thankful I have him by my side. He’s saved me from myself on so many occasions. Also, my biggest protective factor, is my daughter. I fight my demons, so that she has her mummy. I know she needs me, and I need her. She’s my absolute world, and I would do anything to be well and here on earth to be her mummy. Becoming a mum changed my whole perspective on life, and whilst I still have rough times, she’s my main driving force to always get past the rough times and find my happy self again.

I’m medicated with Lamotrigine and Sertraline, which *touch wood* is working pretty well for me at the moment. Keeping me relatively stable, and there’s room in the dosages to tweak them if needs be too.

I know my mental health is something that I will battle with for my entire life. But I’m not ashamed, I’m not defined by my conditions, and 99% of the time, I’m the one in control of them. I can’t say that 1% will ever go away, but it’s something I’ve learnt to deal with now. Others around me are aware of my signs and symptoms of relapse, so can spot when I’m no longer in control, and help me to get it back.

It saddens me how much stigma and misunderstanding there is of mental health. When it’s just as important as physical health, and both need treatment. People like myself, don’t need judgement or criticism. We don’t need people telling us to “just think positive” or to “snap out of it”. Those are not in any way useful, and only make us feel worse. I can’t imagine anyone would choose to feel mentally unwell. It’s a never ending rollercoaster, that you can’t get off. Another familiar phrase we hear is “what have you got to be depressed about? There’s people worse off than you!”. Whilst yes, that may well be true, it’s not a case of a persons circumstances that cause mental illness; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it’s certainly not picky about whom it affects. You could be the richest person in the world, and still suffer from depression. Similarly, you could have nothing and feel on top of the world. Mental illness is real. It’s not something we give ourselves, we’re not contagious and we’re not a danger to anyone but ourselves. So please, don’t be afraid of someone mentally unwell. Don’t turn your back and walk away. Talk to that person. Ask them if there’s anything they can do that may help. Even if it’s just to sit with that person, in total silence, just so they don’t feel alone. If someone comes to you, with thoughts of hurting themselves, don’t ignore it. Get them somewhere safe and call 999 for help.

Sometimes, those with the biggest smiles, are those hiding the most pain. Those seemingly living life to the full, with everything going amazingly well, are the ones struggling the most behind closed doors. What people show on social media, is merely a snapshot in time. Faking a smile is pretty easy, when you have done it so many times. Putting on make up, nice clothes and doing your hair, doesn’t mean that everything is okay. We often hide behind a mask, whilst we are crying on the inside, and screaming in our head, but not making a sound. Once that photo is taken, and posted on social media, the smile will fade, the tears begin to fall and we can crumble back into that black hole of despair. Whilst everyone around us, sees that photo of a well dressed, made up, smiley happy person. They think that we’re okay, when truthfully we’re as far from okay as we can be.

But, where there is pain, there is always hope. Nothing lasts forever. The bad times will pass, and your smile will return. Maybe it won’t be as quickly as you’d like, but it’ll happen. Recovery is totally possible. Although, recovery is by no means a cure, it’s possible to live your life, and not let it control you. Never be ashamed if you take medication. Never be afraid to admit that you’re struggling. Reach out, ask for help. Talk to a friend or family, someone that you trust. You don’t have to suffer in silence and face the demons alone. There is always someone there to help and support you.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry, to scream, to shout, and to let it all out. Bottling it up only makes it worse in the long run. It will bubble away inside of you, until it reaches boiling point and you explode. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know it happens. But I also know, that even the worst times in life, can be overcome. Life can be okay again, in fact it can be great and better than before. Because once you’ve been to the lowest depths of mental illness, when you come back up, you see things in new ways. You appreciate a lot more. You stop taking things for granted. You open your eyes to new possibilities. You take chances that you wouldn’t have before. And most of all, you come back stronger. Rock bottom gives you a solid foundation, on which to rebuild yourself, and your life.

Right, I need to try and get my little monkey to go to sleep! (Been writing this post since 8pm, it’s now 10.20pm!!)

Night all x

Parenting, Life & Mental Health

Parenting, Life & Mental Health

Hi everyone,

Thought I’d make the most a free few minutes to check in with you all. A bit of an update on real life for me right now….

Well, to be honest, I’m struggling. With my mental health, physical health, stress, anxiety…. The list goes on!

Trying my hardest to keep my head above water, kicking my legs like mad, but running out of energy now. It’s all taking it’s toll on me and I’m exhausted.

Having issues with neighbours, financial pressures, emotions running wild due to recent events with so called family, and my physical health concerns constantly on my mind, as my ultrasound scan appointment rapidly approaches. All in all, it’s chaos, both inside my head and outside in my life. Some days I honestly don’t want to get out of bed, instead I’d rather pull the covers over my head and block the world out for the day. Just so I don’t have to deal with it all. I’m physically and emotionally drained.

There is some positive things happening in the background too, which I won’t go into now, but knowing they’re happening is helping me to keep fighting and battling my demons every day.

Parenting is intensely hard, due to all of the above, along with the tantrums and meltdowns that come as standard with a 2 year old. I love my daughter more than life, but she truly is hard work sometimes! It feels like constant battles over doing her hair, getting her dressed, what she wants to eat or drink, trying to change her nappy, and don’t even get me started on bedtime…. 🙈 I’m just so incredibly grateful that I’m not on my own with it all; my husband is my rock and is super helpful and supportive, with everything. I would be so utterly lost without him. He lifts me up when I fall down, puts me back together every time I break, and supports me through literally everything. He’s the most kind, caring and considerate human I know, and I’m so so lucky to call him mine.

I’m hopeful that things are beginning to turn a corner though, despite all the chaos and drama going on. I’ll be partly glad to see the back to 2018 though, as it’s been a pretty rough ride thus far! With only 4 months left of this year, the end is in sight and fingers crossed 2019 is our year to thrive and live happily ever after!

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling now, as time to get ready to once again go out and get stuff done! No rest for the wicked eh?!

Much love to you all and thanks for reading! ❤️

^T.UM^