9 years ❀

9 years ❀

Hey everyone,

So, today (well yesterday now!) my husband and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. We didn’t do anything special, but then we rarely do! It was just an ordinary day, with our little pickle. But it was still great. It’s crazy how much has happened in those 9 years. I think the biggest things were my breakdown in 2013, facing homelessness twice in 2016, so thus moving twice and having our daughter. (1st house move I was heavily pregnant, 2nd little miss was 4 months old). We’ve seen our fair share of stress and upset, but we’ve also seen some amazing and happy times too.

My husband is my rock; he’s literally by my side, through everything. His support and love have gotten me through some seriously tough times. He’s celebrated my victories, and consoled me during my defeats. He’s raised me up, when I’ve had no strength left. He’s held my hand through the hardest moments of my life, and he’s saved my life more than once. I truly appreciate how lucky I am to have him in my life. I’d be so lost without him. He’s an amazing father to our daughter too, and I love seeing the bond they have. J is a true daddy’s girl! But I love that.

Today was also great, because I received a letter from the consultant neurologist, telling me that the CT head scan was normal, and that his diagnosis was: I had a Reflex Anoxic Seizure (sometimes referred to as a Convulsive Syncope). Which, hopefully, won’t happen again. Although there’s no guarantees. It’s good news though, that there’s nothing seriously wrong going on. It was a welcome relief, as my anxiety has been sky high about it all. I felt like I could relax a bit more about it now!

Tuesday I had a filling drilled out and replaced at the dentists. That was fun, not! And tomorrow, I’m back at the hospital to the dental clinic, about my wisdom teeth. I had a CT for that too, to see how close the root of my bottom wisdom teeth are to the nerve in my jaw. If it’s too close, they’ll refuse to remove them. So it’s kinda 50/50 I guess as to what will happen. Watch this space, as they say!!

Been a bit of an emotional end to the day this evening, as a good friend of mine is currently in ICU, after stopping breathing in her sleep at the weekend. Its worrying me a lot 😭 I was only talking to her last week, I really hope she’s going to be okay πŸ–€

I think that’s pretty much summed up what’s been going on since I last posted! Going to head off to bed shortly, am utterly shattered! Thanks for reading! I will get that guest post up soon, I promise!!

Night all x

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Hey everyone,

I’ve got to apologise once again, for being missing in action for so long!! Everytime I’ve thought “I’ll get a blog post up tonight”, something has cropped up, or I’ve fallen asleep, or other such things have occurred. Its frustrating, but that’s life I suppose!!

So, a bit of a catch up is once again due!

I should really read my last post before posting new ones, but I never do πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ so I also apologise if I repeat myself!

If I remember rightly, the last post was shortly after I was really unwell and taken to hospital by ambulance. It took a fair while to recover from that, which was pretty frustrating. But thankfully, I’m pretty much back to normal; well normal for me anyway!

I’ve since seen the neurology consultant, who said he feels that it was a one off, and not as a result of anything sinister going on in my brain, or epilepsy. Which is a relief. He did send me for a CT brain scan, which I had yesterday, just to make sure all is good in there. He said he would write to me with the results, and what, if any, further action needs to happen. If the scan is fine, then I’ve no need to go back to see him. I also had my full body bone scan yesterday. It was a seriously long day at the hospital. I arrived at around 10.30am, and didn’t leave until about 6pm. Getting home at just before 7pm! The bone scan was what took the longest, as it involved having an injection at 12pm (although my appointment time was 11.15!) And then waiting until 3.30pm for the scan. To allow the radioactive stuff to get into my bones. So boring on my own! Had lunch at Costa, and then wandered about for what felt like forever. Sat in the outpatients garden for a bit too, and read a book. Finally got to 3pm and I headed back up to the nuclear medicine department for the scan. The scan took about 30 minutes, which wasn’t so bad. I left that department around 4pm. Then had to pass the time once again, until 5.45pm for the CT scan! Which thankfully, I was seen 5 minutes early and was out and on the bus by 6pm! Longest. Day. Ever. I was utterly exhausted by the time I got home, and still feel pretty drained today! But glad they’re both done! Now the waiting for the results…. ugh.

Can’t recall if I mentioned having the Mirena Coil put in, in my last post. But I finally gave in and went through with it. Seriously painful procedure (for me anyway, some women don’t feel a thing!). Made me feel quite unwell for a day or 2, and very bad cramps on and off too. But once it had settled, it’s not been too bad. Hopefully it’ll be a positive thing and make life with Endometriosis a bit easier! Am back to see the gynae consultant in May, so we shall see what’s going to happen next, if anything.

2nd of April, I’m having an MRIS on my joints. Not much looking forward to that. The MRI machine is so loud and claustrophobic, so I struggle with that. But hopefully it’ll be okay. That’s the 2nd test that the rheumatology consultant requested. First being the bone scan. Not seeing him until August though, unless the results require me to go sooner. Yet again, another waiting game!

I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow to check in and update her on what’s been going on. Then next week, I’ve got dentist for a filling to be drilled out and redone. I just need a break from treatments, tests, scans, doctors, hospitals….everything! I’m so tired and done with it all now. Feel like I’m falling apart piece by piece! At the age of 34…. oh the joys!

Anyways, I’m gonna go chill out now for a bit before heading off to bed. I’ll be back fairly soon, as I’m guest writing for education.com again! Was asked a few weeks back if I’d like to write for them again, and of course said yes! But with one thing and another, I’m yet to actually do the post! πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ it’s on my to-do list for this weekend! Hopefully!!

Thanks for reading, hope you’re all having a good week!! X

World Mental Health Day ❀️ 10/10/18

World Mental Health Day ❀️ 10/10/18

Hey everyone,

So, as today is World Mental Health day, I thought I’d focus solely on that topic for today’s post.

For those new to my blog, I figured I’d write about my own personal experience of mental illness, and where I’m at today.

I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 16, and from then on, I’ve spent more time taking medication than not. Over the years, I developed other mental illnesses on top – anxiety (both generalised and social), body dysmorphia, OCD and health anxiety. I self harmed, a lot. I self medicated with alcohol and became pretty much a functioning alcoholic. This all manifested together, and caused a psychotic episode that lasted the best part of a year, perhaps longer. It’s a bit of a blurry, hazy time of my life to be honest. I don’t fully remember all the details, dates etc. But I know it wasn’t good. In that time, I lived a weird kind of double life, where I had a whole different world in my head, and to me it was totally real. I saw people and heard voices that weren’t there, and totally lost my sense of who I was, and my real life. This came to a head in August 2013, when I had a full breakdown. Broke down in tears at work and was sent home. Went to my GP that afternoon, and things rolled from there really. Psychiatrists, specialists, CBT, and then in April 2014, a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder. I’ve been in and out of the care of the mental health team since then; have been on suicide watch, nearly sectioned a few times and had the crisis team visit me more than once. But, I’m still here. Every time I fall down, I fight my way back up. I’ve never let my demons win. I’ve come close, believe me, but there’s always been a small shred of inner strength that’s pulled me back up.

I have a really tight support network too, which definitely helps. My husband is my rock. He’s literally seen me at my worst, and stuck by me like glue. I’m so so thankful I have him by my side. He’s saved me from myself on so many occasions. Also, my biggest protective factor, is my daughter. I fight my demons, so that she has her mummy. I know she needs me, and I need her. She’s my absolute world, and I would do anything to be well and here on earth to be her mummy. Becoming a mum changed my whole perspective on life, and whilst I still have rough times, she’s my main driving force to always get past the rough times and find my happy self again.

I’m medicated with Lamotrigine and Sertraline, which *touch wood* is working pretty well for me at the moment. Keeping me relatively stable, and there’s room in the dosages to tweak them if needs be too.

I know my mental health is something that I will battle with for my entire life. But I’m not ashamed, I’m not defined by my conditions, and 99% of the time, I’m the one in control of them. I can’t say that 1% will ever go away, but it’s something I’ve learnt to deal with now. Others around me are aware of my signs and symptoms of relapse, so can spot when I’m no longer in control, and help me to get it back.

It saddens me how much stigma and misunderstanding there is of mental health. When it’s just as important as physical health, and both need treatment. People like myself, don’t need judgement or criticism. We don’t need people telling us to “just think positive” or to “snap out of it”. Those are not in any way useful, and only make us feel worse. I can’t imagine anyone would choose to feel mentally unwell. It’s a never ending rollercoaster, that you can’t get off. Another familiar phrase we hear is “what have you got to be depressed about? There’s people worse off than you!”. Whilst yes, that may well be true, it’s not a case of a persons circumstances that cause mental illness; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it’s certainly not picky about whom it affects. You could be the richest person in the world, and still suffer from depression. Similarly, you could have nothing and feel on top of the world. Mental illness is real. It’s not something we give ourselves, we’re not contagious and we’re not a danger to anyone but ourselves. So please, don’t be afraid of someone mentally unwell. Don’t turn your back and walk away. Talk to that person. Ask them if there’s anything they can do that may help. Even if it’s just to sit with that person, in total silence, just so they don’t feel alone. If someone comes to you, with thoughts of hurting themselves, don’t ignore it. Get them somewhere safe and call 999 for help.

Sometimes, those with the biggest smiles, are those hiding the most pain. Those seemingly living life to the full, with everything going amazingly well, are the ones struggling the most behind closed doors. What people show on social media, is merely a snapshot in time. Faking a smile is pretty easy, when you have done it so many times. Putting on make up, nice clothes and doing your hair, doesn’t mean that everything is okay. We often hide behind a mask, whilst we are crying on the inside, and screaming in our head, but not making a sound. Once that photo is taken, and posted on social media, the smile will fade, the tears begin to fall and we can crumble back into that black hole of despair. Whilst everyone around us, sees that photo of a well dressed, made up, smiley happy person. They think that we’re okay, when truthfully we’re as far from okay as we can be.

But, where there is pain, there is always hope. Nothing lasts forever. The bad times will pass, and your smile will return. Maybe it won’t be as quickly as you’d like, but it’ll happen. Recovery is totally possible. Although, recovery is by no means a cure, it’s possible to live your life, and not let it control you. Never be ashamed if you take medication. Never be afraid to admit that you’re struggling. Reach out, ask for help. Talk to a friend or family, someone that you trust. You don’t have to suffer in silence and face the demons alone. There is always someone there to help and support you.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry, to scream, to shout, and to let it all out. Bottling it up only makes it worse in the long run. It will bubble away inside of you, until it reaches boiling point and you explode. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know it happens. But I also know, that even the worst times in life, can be overcome. Life can be okay again, in fact it can be great and better than before. Because once you’ve been to the lowest depths of mental illness, when you come back up, you see things in new ways. You appreciate a lot more. You stop taking things for granted. You open your eyes to new possibilities. You take chances that you wouldn’t have before. And most of all, you come back stronger. Rock bottom gives you a solid foundation, on which to rebuild yourself, and your life.

Right, I need to try and get my little monkey to go to sleep! (Been writing this post since 8pm, it’s now 10.20pm!!)

Night all x

Parenting, Life & Mental Health

Parenting, Life & Mental Health

Hi everyone,

Thought I’d make the most a free few minutes to check in with you all. A bit of an update on real life for me right now….

Well, to be honest, I’m struggling. With my mental health, physical health, stress, anxiety…. The list goes on!

Trying my hardest to keep my head above water, kicking my legs like mad, but running out of energy now. It’s all taking it’s toll on me and I’m exhausted.

Having issues with neighbours, financial pressures, emotions running wild due to recent events with so called family, and my physical health concerns constantly on my mind, as my ultrasound scan appointment rapidly approaches. All in all, it’s chaos, both inside my head and outside in my life. Some days I honestly don’t want to get out of bed, instead I’d rather pull the covers over my head and block the world out for the day. Just so I don’t have to deal with it all. I’m physically and emotionally drained.

There is some positive things happening in the background too, which I won’t go into now, but knowing they’re happening is helping me to keep fighting and battling my demons every day.

Parenting is intensely hard, due to all of the above, along with the tantrums and meltdowns that come as standard with a 2 year old. I love my daughter more than life, but she truly is hard work sometimes! It feels like constant battles over doing her hair, getting her dressed, what she wants to eat or drink, trying to change her nappy, and don’t even get me started on bedtime…. πŸ™ˆ I’m just so incredibly grateful that I’m not on my own with it all; my husband is my rock and is super helpful and supportive, with everything. I would be so utterly lost without him. He lifts me up when I fall down, puts me back together every time I break, and supports me through literally everything. He’s the most kind, caring and considerate human I know, and I’m so so lucky to call him mine.

I’m hopeful that things are beginning to turn a corner though, despite all the chaos and drama going on. I’ll be partly glad to see the back to 2018 though, as it’s been a pretty rough ride thus far! With only 4 months left of this year, the end is in sight and fingers crossed 2019 is our year to thrive and live happily ever after!

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling now, as time to get ready to once again go out and get stuff done! No rest for the wicked eh?!

Much love to you all and thanks for reading! ❀️

^T.UM^