May-October 2020

May-October 2020

Heeeeeeey!

I don’t know if anyone even reads this blog anymore, as I’ve been the worst blogger and not written since April!! Sincerest apologies to anyone still here, and I hope you’ll stick with me!

So, 2020 so far has been one heck of a ride, right?! Lockdown, covid, masks, curfews, job losses, business closures, financial strain…. Its been quite frankly a shit storm of epic proportions. How we’ve made it to October without completely losing the plot, is beyond me! Anyway, a bit of a catch up is in order…. 👍

So, eventually, in June, preschool was allowed to reopen, albeit in a limited capacity, with lots of new rules and regulations. But, J went back for 2 hour sessions a day, and it was good for all of us. Literally a lifeline and sanity saver for me especially! We were so grateful! July came around way too quickly though, and the closer to the end of term we got, the more sad I felt. J had flourished so much by going to preschool. The thought of her not going any more was hard. She turned 4 on the 7th, which felt very surreal! When the end of term came, it was such a weird time, picking her up on her last day felt so cold and foreign. They weren’t able to have any of the normal end of term and end of preschool things, like their end of term show, summer fair, or even goodbye hugs with their teachers. It was clear on the teachers faces that it broke their hearts to only be able to wave goodbye as they left for the last time. They are all such a wonderful, caring staff, and we miss them still, even now. I keep in touch with a few of them, as they loved our J and the time they had her in their setting.

Fast forward to September, and my baby started the next chapter in her life: starting in reception class at primary school! I was super anxious about it, as over the summer holidays, I just kept looking at her and thinking that she wasn’t ready for the change. She’d missed so much of her preschool journey, that I began to be torn about my decision to let her go on to primary school this year. There was many times I felt like trying to reverse the process and send her back to preschool. Being a summer born child, going to primary school at 4 years old felt like such a massive step, one that I just didn’t know if J or even us, would cope with. I needn’t have worried though. We’re 3 weeks in to the term and she’s taken to it like a duck to water!! She settled in very quickly, making us super proud. They had 2 afternoon sessions to get them acclimatised to the setting, familiar with teachers etc, then the week following that, they started full time, 8.50am to 2.40pm. That first day I was so nervous for her, I’m not sure why, taking her in at the beginning of the day, knowing I wouldn’t see her until 2.40pm, felt very strange. Not like when we dropped her off at preschool, it was on a whole new level of strange. She walked in, as confident as ever, not even a look back over her shoulder to me. And that was that, I walked out of school, my heart in my throat and eyes welling up, from the realisation that my baby wasn’t a baby anymore. All day I wondered what she was up to, if she was okay, if she was making friends, happy…. Etc etc. I felt like I’d lost an arm! My sidekick wasn’t there and it was kinda scary.

At 2.30pm we headed off to pick her up. Stood in the playground waiting for them to come out I felt so so proud of her. As I saw them all coming out, all lined up nicely, I spotted my sweet girl. Smiling like the cat that got the cream. I knew then, it was going to be just fine. She was very tired, but very happy. Which made us happy, and the pride literally filled my heart to the point of bursting. My big girl. My incredible one and only, my first, my last, my everything. She was bossing it!

She has done 3 full weeks now, and has a best friend already, I shall refer to her as V. They’re so sweet together, and tell everyone that they’re best friends. They defend each other to other children too, and make sure they know where each other is. They jump, skip, dance and run around together, and walk into and out of school every day together. It’s also lovely because I’m making friends too. Which is something I’ve always struggled with. V’s parents are lovely and we’ve become good friends too. We always have a giggle at drop off and pick up, which makes it all a lot less daunting for me, as my social anxiety is tamed a little because I know people. I know a couple of other mums of reception kids too, which is lovely too.

I think sometimes, we don’t give our kids enough credit. Us parents are often more anxious and worried about these things than the kids. J has taken it all in her stride, and you wouldn’t think she’d only been going to school for 3 weeks. It’s like she’s been there 3 months or even years. She knows the routine, she wakes up wanting to go and bounces out of school each day so happy. I think it’s also helped that she’s made a friend so quickly too, and I’m so glad she has. She’s always been quite sociable, which increased when she started preschool. She settled there really quickly too, although friendships didn’t develop until much further on.

I don’t think my head has really caught up with reality yet though. I look at her and see my 7lb 7oz little bundle and wonder where the time has gone! The past 4 years has gone way too fast. We’ve been through so much, both good and bad. We’ve lived in 3 different homes, the 3rd one where we are now, is most definitely our forever home. We got so so lucky. It was a property I put a bid on back in February of this year. At the end of that bidding cycle it said it had been offered to someone. Plus then covid and lockdown happened, so the council stopped letting homes. I thought we’d missed out and didn’t think anymore of it. Then in July, I get an email, with an offer of a property. The one I bid on it February! It had become available again and I’d been shortlisted to view it. I genuinely didn’t believe it. It felt like someone was winding me up, as I never get that kind of luck! But it was legit. We viewed it and accepted on the spot. 21st of July we took the keys to our new home and begun the moving process once again! My hubby and his parents spend a week or so decorating throughout, then on 1st of August we officially moved in and have been here 2 months now. We’re slowly but surely making it ours, and we love it so much. Its perfect in so many ways. It’s at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac, semi detached bungalow, with currently no one living in the one attached to us. We have a fairly large garden, which is great for J as she loves being outside. Plus, the fact it’s a bungalow is great for me not having to cope with stairs every day. We’ve also got a wet room as well, so personal care is so much easier for me and makes me feel more like myself and regained some of my independence.

Life has given us its fair share of crap over the years, but I feel like it’s finally given us a break. Whilst obviously with covid still running rampant, it’s still a crazy world to be in, but when we get home and close the door, we feel truly happy and content. It’s our forever home and it’s awesome.

On Monday (5th)my hubby and I will have been together for 17 years!! How he’s put up with me for so long, I’ll never comprehend. But he has and I salute him for it, as well as love him more than words. He’s given me our beautiful daughter, taken care of us both, practically and financially, and been my rock since day 1. I wouldn’t be the person I am now if it wasn’t for him, or to be honest, I wouldn’t even be here at all.

This has taken a fair while to type, and my hands are cramping something chronic, the cold weather is not good for my rheumatoid arthritis! So, I shall leave it there. Pop me a comment if you’re still following my blog, and if there’s still a few of you I’ll try my hardest to post more often. Now that life has settled down to more manageable levels, I’m hoping to reignite the passion I once had for blogging and not be so boring and mundane with my posts! Hope you’re all (if there is any of you!) are all okay, staying well and keeping safe!

Take care and until next time x

My favourite tiny human….

My favourite tiny human….

….Is of course, my daughter. Who is officially 2 and a half years old as of yesterday, (7.1.19).

When I realised this yesterday, whilst out and about, it made me so emotional. I really had to fight with myself to keep my emotions under control in public!! To comprehend the fact that in 6 months, I’ll have a 3 year old, is really hard. I’ve been a mother 2 and a half years, and I’m honestly still winging it every single day 😂 I doubt I’m the only parent to say that either. Parenthood is a crazy ride, where you’re constantly learning and it’s often quite a wild adventure. But, I honestly love it. Yes, there’s crappy times of worry and stress (illness, misbehaviour etc), but the good, amazing and happy times, far outweigh the crappy ones. Making memories, having fun, laughter, and so much more, make life so worthwhile.

I’m so very proud of my sweet girl; she’s learning new things literally every day, her vocabulary seems to expand daily too. She’s such a character, literally makes everyone she meets smile, and lights up the room wherever she goes. She’s funny, crazy, stubborn, determined, brave, fierce, strong-willed, and super smart. For 2 and a half years old, she’s pretty bloody amazing!! I know I’m biased, but so many people tell me what a great kid she is, and how cute/beautiful/gorgeous she is. My heart literally bursts with pride every time, and I look at her sometimes, and think just how lucky I am to be her mummy. To me she is totally perfect, I just know she’s going to do amazing things as she grows up.

Our world flipped upside down the day she was born, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. She’s worth every minute of lost sleep, every grey hair, every stretch mark and wrinkle. I can’t remember or imagine life without my precious girl in it. She’s my world, and always will be. I waited so long to become a mother, and I feel genuinely blessed to now be one. When I was pregnant, we didn’t find out the gender at scans, we kept it a surprise. I had such a strong feeling though, that I was carrying a girl. Not sure why, but I just knew. A mothers instinct perhaps? Right from the beginning. Obviously I would have been just as happy to be the mother of a son, but there was a huge part of me that was glad we had a girl 😀 I guess I’ve always wanted a daughter, and to have that mother and daughter bond.

Having my daughter, totally changed my perspective and outlook on life too. I honestly think she saved me. I still have rough times, and super tough times, where I battle my demons and the negative thoughts. There’s still even times where the suicidal thoughts creep in and consume me. But, my daughter is and always will be, my protective factor. I couldn’t leave her. I couldn’t leave my husband either, of course. Every time that I feel low, or have those negative thoughts, I just look at my daughter. Even at the worst times in my head, I couldn’t and wouldn’t act upon any of those thoughts. My daughter needs her mummy, just as much as I need her. She’s my mini me, my side kick, my best girl and my favourite tiny human ❤

^T.U.M^

Parenting, Life & Mental Health

Parenting, Life & Mental Health

Hi everyone,

Thought I’d make the most a free few minutes to check in with you all. A bit of an update on real life for me right now….

Well, to be honest, I’m struggling. With my mental health, physical health, stress, anxiety…. The list goes on!

Trying my hardest to keep my head above water, kicking my legs like mad, but running out of energy now. It’s all taking it’s toll on me and I’m exhausted.

Having issues with neighbours, financial pressures, emotions running wild due to recent events with so called family, and my physical health concerns constantly on my mind, as my ultrasound scan appointment rapidly approaches. All in all, it’s chaos, both inside my head and outside in my life. Some days I honestly don’t want to get out of bed, instead I’d rather pull the covers over my head and block the world out for the day. Just so I don’t have to deal with it all. I’m physically and emotionally drained.

There is some positive things happening in the background too, which I won’t go into now, but knowing they’re happening is helping me to keep fighting and battling my demons every day.

Parenting is intensely hard, due to all of the above, along with the tantrums and meltdowns that come as standard with a 2 year old. I love my daughter more than life, but she truly is hard work sometimes! It feels like constant battles over doing her hair, getting her dressed, what she wants to eat or drink, trying to change her nappy, and don’t even get me started on bedtime…. 🙈 I’m just so incredibly grateful that I’m not on my own with it all; my husband is my rock and is super helpful and supportive, with everything. I would be so utterly lost without him. He lifts me up when I fall down, puts me back together every time I break, and supports me through literally everything. He’s the most kind, caring and considerate human I know, and I’m so so lucky to call him mine.

I’m hopeful that things are beginning to turn a corner though, despite all the chaos and drama going on. I’ll be partly glad to see the back to 2018 though, as it’s been a pretty rough ride thus far! With only 4 months left of this year, the end is in sight and fingers crossed 2019 is our year to thrive and live happily ever after!

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling now, as time to get ready to once again go out and get stuff done! No rest for the wicked eh?!

Much love to you all and thanks for reading! ❤️

^T.UM^