Look who’s back πŸ˜Ž

Look who’s back πŸ˜Ž

Hey hey hey!!

I’m so very sorry for being so absent of late. Looking at my posts, the last time I blogged was back in May!! That’s terrible, and I feel really sorry for neglecting you all! So, I’m making it my mission, to write every Friday! And more in between if I can. I really want to make this blog a success, and if I don’t write, that’s not going to happen!

So, a brief catch up is in order!

My baby, is now 3!! How did that even happen?! Time sure does fly, way too fast! When I was pregnant, people kept telling me it would be like that, but I always laughed it off. Now I’m living it, I see just how right they all were! It’s been such a wild ride these past 3 years. I think I’ve been through every emotion possible a million times, and most likely aged and my hair has greyed a fair bit too! But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I absolutely love being a mum, and despite it being the hardest thing I’ve ever done, parenting, to me, is truly a blessing. After such a long journey trying to conceive, I’d just about given up hope of ever being a mum. So to be 3 years into mum life, I count my blessings daily.

It does have its moment of everything being so overwhelming though, and times when I really doubt myself and my parenting abilities. I only have to look at my daughter though, to see how happy and content she is, and she’s so learning and growing so well, I know I’m doing okay. My husband and I are a good team, and get through the rough with the smooth, and I’m proud of us. Yes we’re winging it every day πŸ˜‚ but we’re doing alright!

So tell me lovely followers, what would you like to see on this blog? I have a few ideas, such as product reviews (I have a couple in mind to write up in the next week or so) and also parenting hacks and life organising kinda stuff. Mental health will be a strong influence in the background, and I’ll focus on it at times when it’s relevant. I feel it’s important to keep talking about it, and continue to break down those walls of stigma surrounding it, and help people feel less alone, and that it’s genuinely okay to not be okay sometimes.

Pop me a comment and let me know your thoughts. This blog is just as much for my followers, if not more so, as it is for me. What started out all those years ago, as a form of therapy for me during a really tough time in my life, has grown and blossomed into something entirely different and something I’m genuinely proud of. It’s an open and honest blog, and always will be. I don’t see the point of hiding the truth, when times are hard, I’ll say so. Likewise when they’re great, I’ll say that too! For every hard time, is a better time just around the corner. You can’t have sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it can’t rain all the time either. Life is for living, and totally what you make it. So give it your best shot, you deserve it, you’re worth it and it’s only you who can make it happen!

Thanks to all who have stuck around despite the long silences, I am determined to do better!!

Have a great weekend all, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Mumma7716 x

Family, life and thoughts….

Family, life and thoughts….

Hi all, apologies for the radio silence once again, days seem to just fly by and I can’t keep up. Things have been pretty hectic with one thing and another, but thought I’d pop in a post whilst I had a spare few minutes!!

So, today, I’m talking about family. Because just lately, I’ve felt so blessed to have my family. People who love and care about me, and I’d genuinely be lost without them.

Family isn’t always about blood relations. It comes in all shapes and sizes. Theres family by marriage, and family by choice too. Like friends for example. Those you’ve known for longer than you can remember, and are like family to you. They know everything about you, and you’d trust them with everything you have. I have several really close friends, who are like brothers and sisters to me. They’ve all got my back, and I theirs.

It’s a shame that certain members of my family by blood, don’t want to be a part of mine. But I’ve come to accept that, and living life to the full without them. I won’t chase those who don’t want to know me, as there’s just no point. It’s a waste of my energy, that I can focus upon those who do want to know me. Despite it all, I still gained 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and some cousins. So it’s not all bad. Ultimately, for those who don’t want to know, it’s their loss, not mine. I lived my life for 33 years without them in it, so there is no doubt I can continue to do so. There’s a vast difference between needing and wanting people in your life. I wanted them in my life, but I don’t need them. It may sound harsh, but it’s true.

I often feel kind of sad about it, because in the beginning it was brilliant. We all got on like we had never been apart. But it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess it’s true what they say about leaving the past in the past, and there’s no point dwelling on it. I succeeded in what I set out to do, that’s what’s important.

My immediate family (daughter and husband) are my everything. The reason I get up in the mornings, despite all the pains and low moods. They’re the reason I carry on fighting, day after day, because they need me, just as much as I need them. My daughter is growing up so so fast, and I’m scared I’ll blink and miss it. She is 3 in just over a month, and then off to preschool in September. I’m still struggling to really get my head around that, and still think back to the early days when she was a tiny baby, fully dependant on me for everything. Of course she is still pretty dependant on me now, but in a totally different way. She loves to be independent, and is constantly pushing and trying to be more so. If you try to help her, you often get told no, she will do it. She’s quite feisty and strong willed, and stubborn just like me! She makes me so proud every single day, of her, but also of myself. I feel so lucky to have been pregnant and given birth to such a beautiful little human. I may hate my body, and how I look, but it did a damn good job of growing a human. And for that, I’m proud. I feel sad for those who struggle or never even get to experience that, and can totally understand the pain and upset it causes. I thought it would never happen for us, and just when I’d about given up all hope, I was pregnant. The most terrifying and exhilarating feeling I’ve ever felt.

In some ways, I miss pregnancy, all those exciting times like scans, first kicks, hearing baby’s heartbeat etc. I miss my bump too, it made me feel genuinely beautiful, and I loved watching it grow. Although not so much the aches and pains that came with it! But it was all worth it, every part of it, to have my precious child.

I’ll leave you all with a few last thoughts for the day: Cherish every single moment with your family, never miss an opportunity to tell them you love them or give them a hug. You never know what tomorrow may bring, life is far shorter than you think. Don’t take for granted anyone, or anything. Because you could lose it quicker than you realise. While you’re wanting more, you’re missing what you already have. Live life for the now, don’t dwell on the past, and the future will take care of itself.
X

Worst 5 days ever.

Worst 5 days ever.

Hey everyone,

Huge apologies for not writing for a while. With one thing and another, its just not happened. I won’t recap on too much, as I’d be here all night, and quite frankly don’t have the energy to do so.

The last 5 days have utterly broken me. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I’m drained. I’ll start from day 1 –

Friday, 20th April: it was evening, and I was in the kitchen, washing up, and my nan called. So stopped to talk to her. Hubby and J were playing in the lounge, J was running around like she always does. And then bang. And an ear piercing scream. I hear hubby say ‘Oh my God’ and he appeared at the kitchen door, holding J, and she was covered in blood. I instantly panicked and told my nan I had to go and hung up on her. Took J from hubby as she wanted me, and checked her over. Thankfully no broken or knocked out teeth, but 2 big holes in her bottom lip. So much blood, and it didn’t seem to want to stop. Hubby called 111, and they said they were sending an ambulance. But then about 20 minutes later, ambulance control called and said there was a 3hr wait, and that it would be quicker for us to take her in ourselves. So off we went. Spent a good couple of hours there, eventually getting home around 11pm. J was asleep by 11.30pm and we collapsed in our chairs and had a cuppa, then headed off to bed too. Exhausted and emotional.

Saturday, 21st April: J woke, and was obviously in pain bless her. So she had calpol etc and we got on with the day as best we could. Hubby’s parents visited in the afternoon, and we took J out to the communal garden for a run around. All was going well, she was having a great time with her nana. Then she fell over, on concrete. Grazing, cutting and bruising her knees quite badly, as she was wearing shorts that day. I had to put plasters on her knees to ‘make better mummy’, as everytime she looked at them she broke down in tears. Once they were covered she semi forgot about it. Another day, another worrying time.

Thankfully, Sunday and Monday passed without much going on. J went to bed as usual last night (Monday) and crashed out, as we had been for a play at the local park in the afternoon, which she had loved and had lots of fun. Now here’s where it gets even worse….

Today, Tuesday 23rd April: J woke up at around 6am, calling for me. Which instantly caused me some concern, as normally if she wakes she just comes through and gets into our bed. She was freezing cold, but wouldn’t let me put the duvet back over her. She then followed me to the bathroom, and I said shall we go have cuddles in mummy and daddys bed. She said no, and went back in her room, and laid on the floor. I called hubby, as I was getting more concerned as clearly something wasn’t right. She wandered around upstairs like she was in a daze or still asleep. Was sick a couple of times, just like phlegm really. She kept trying to hold it back, which was making her feel worse and prolonging it. We managed to get her downstairs, she didn’t want her usual bottle. She was still very much out of sorts, and was vomiting every half hour to an hour, the same phlegmy type stuff. At 8am, we called the doctors, as we wanted to get her checked out. Whilst hubby was sat on hold to them, I popped upstairs to get J some clothes, anticipating a trip to the doctors surgery. I then hear hubby running up the stairs, calling my name. He very rarely calls me by my name these days, its normally mummy. So I knew something was happening. He told me he couldn’t wake her. She had been sick again, then laid down on the floor, and fell asleep. He just had a feeling that something wasn’t right, so he tried to wake her. But couldn’t. Which was when he called for me. I came rushing down the stairs, and saw my sweet girl, lifeless on the floor. I felt sick with worry and panic, and it felt like my heart stopped and then hit the floor. I tried to wake her, shaking her, calling her name, all the nicknames I have for her, and was getting nothing. Put my hand on her chest and was relieved to feel she was still breathing, but she was so pale, almost grey. I told hubby to sod the doctors, just call 999 and I kept trying to wake her. It took a good 3 or 4 minutes to get a response, and then she kind of dropped in and out of sleep/consciousness. She then rolled on her side and vomited again. This time it was bright yellow. The first response paramedics arrived first, and started checking her over and asking us what had been happening. She was more alert by this point thankfully, but still obviously not right. A couple of minutes later, the ambulance crew arrived as well. Poor J looked a little bewildered as she looked around the room, as there were 4 paramedics, as well as me and hubby. The paramedics thought it was best to take her down to A&E for a full check over and to see the paediatric doctors. So I gathered what we needed, and went down to the ambulance with J. Hubby locked up and followed in the car, so that we had a way of getting home! It felt like the longest journey ever. On arrival, the paramedic booked her in, and we went round to the paediatric emergency department. I was so glad to see my hubby in the door way looking around for us. J was weighed, and we were shown to the room where she was going to be in. It feels like a bit of a blur for the most part, but she was constantly checked, and had to pass a fluid challenge (basically drink a full 200ml of Diaoralyte solution and keep it down). She also had some paracetamol too. As time went on, the more she drank, the more she perked up and began to be more like her usual self. After 3hrs of obs and keeping fluids down, we were allowed home. She dozed a little in the car on the way home, but then perked up when she was back in familiar surroundings. Over the afternoon, she grazed on things like crisps, cereal, crackers etc. And was thankfully drinking well too. And was more and more like her normal self. She had more calpol and went off to bed around 8pm, asleep by about 8.20pm. I’m keeping everything crossed, that we have a good night and she wakes up all good in the morning.

3 things in 5 days, is quite enough!! I honestly don’t think I can cope with anymore.

Right, time for some chilling and then hopefully sleeping…. X

Real, raw and honest….

Real, raw and honest….

Feeling pretty pants tonight if I’m honest; still full of cold/flu germs, and despite a pretty chilled day, I’m just so drained and exhausted. All we did today was have baths, and I changed the beds. But its wiped me out. Have only just got J to bed and asleep (11.20pm!!) after a failed attempt earlier on. She has been up and on the go since 8.45am this morning! How she kept going, is beyond me! No nap either…. toddlers eh?! Hoping to feel a bit less “ugh” tomorrow. Am so bored, tired and fed up with always being poorly.

I often feel like my body just hates me πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ if it’s not my brain chemicals causing me issues, it’s my immune system not coping, resulting in me getting a virus or infection; Or my joints aching, swelling or stiffening up like they’ve been filled with concrete, making simple tasks like walking near on impossible; or feeling like my insides are trying to claw their way out…. it never ends! There is always something happening that I have to deal with. Whilst trying my best to be a mum, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a friend…. and generally just adulting. Some days are harder than others, and I get the very rare odd day here and there, where I’m 90% feeling alright….! No two days are really the same though, and I can go to bed feeling okay, and wake up feeling horrendous, or vice versa. It’s all very unpredictable and I think that’s what makes it so frustrating! Never knowing what curve ball will be thrown at me next, and wondering if I’ll have the energy to dodge it, or if it’ll hit me square in the face and knock me down again. Mental health and physical health, go hand in hand. One can’t function without the other, and so many don’t seem to understand that. Mental illness can make you feel physically unwell too, and likewise, being physically unwell can make you feel down and depressed too. Especially when its relentless, one thing after another.

But, I take each day as it comes. A new day, to try again, to fight again, and to do what I need to, to get through it. I make the most of the good times, and repeat “this too shall pass” through the bad. I take the ups with the downs, and live my best life as much as possible. Its important to live for today, always. Because the past is gone, dwelling on it is pointless, as is worrying about the future. They are two times that can’t be changed or predicted, so focus on the here and now. Live fully in each moment and never take anything or anyone for granted. Life is far too short, don’t let it pass you by. Make it count.

Much love, and good night! X

The struggle is real!

The struggle is real!

Today has been a whole truck load of epic shit. Started far too early at around 4am, and didn’t really improve much. Literally every part of my body hurts. I feel utterly exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally…. it feels like 1 more push, and I’ll drop over the edge. A breakdown isn’t far away, and it scares me. I hope, with every ounce of strength I can muster, that I can claw my way back up before it consumes me.

The saving grace after such a shitty day, was when my beautiful daughter, said clearly and fully pronounced “I love you mummy”, then fell asleep whilst holding my hand. My heart literally melted like an ice cube in a frying pan. Tears filled my eyes, and I felt so much love and all the shit of the day just melted away into a distant memory. I may be struggling, but I’ll keep fighting as hard as I can, to keep afloat and not fall completely. I need to, for my baby girl.

Tomorrow, we’re visiting a pre-school, and I feel super emotional about it. I know the time will come eventually, but I really wish it wasn’t so soon. It feels like the past 2 and a half years have flown by, and my baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a beautiful little human, with so much love to give. I know she’ll love the experience of pre-school and making friends, learning and having fun. It’ll be me that’s an emotional mess, leaving my baby in the care of someone else. I’ve never left her with anyone except her daddy. She’s my precious girl, and no matter how tired or stressed I am, I’m better when she’s with me. My anxiety when we’re apart for any length of time, is quite frankly horrible. Its completely irrational probably, but she’s literally my everything and I just hate being away from her. I feel like a totally shit mum sometimes, when I get ratty and cross with her, but I hope she understands as she gets older, that it’s only because I care about her so so much. I do my best, always. Everything I do, every breath I take, is for her. Shes the reason I wake up in the mornings (quite literally!) and the reason I will never stop fighting my demons, no matter how hard they try to kick my ass.

I’m determined to give my daughter the best possible life. She’s so deserving of it, and I’ll make sure it happens, no matter what. I don’t care if I have to go without things or sacrifice anything for her sake, she’s totally worth it.

My first, my last, my everything. I love her to the moon and back, with every beat of my heart, that love grows stronger.

^T.U.M^

My favourite tiny human….

My favourite tiny human….

….Is of course, my daughter. Who is officially 2 and a half years old as of yesterday, (7.1.19).

When I realised this yesterday, whilst out and about, it made me so emotional. I really had to fight with myself to keep my emotions under control in public!! To comprehend the fact that in 6 months, I’ll have a 3 year old, is really hard. I’ve been a mother 2 and a half years, and I’m honestly still winging it every single day πŸ˜‚ I doubt I’m the only parent to say that either. Parenthood is a crazy ride, where you’re constantly learning and it’s often quite a wild adventure. But, I honestly love it. Yes, there’s crappy times of worry and stress (illness, misbehaviour etc), but the good, amazing and happy times, far outweigh the crappy ones. Making memories, having fun, laughter, and so much more, make life so worthwhile.

I’m so very proud of my sweet girl; she’s learning new things literally every day, her vocabulary seems to expand daily too. She’s such a character, literally makes everyone she meets smile, and lights up the room wherever she goes. She’s funny, crazy, stubborn, determined, brave, fierce, strong-willed, and super smart. For 2 and a half years old, she’s pretty bloody amazing!! I know I’m biased, but so many people tell me what a great kid she is, and how cute/beautiful/gorgeous she is. My heart literally bursts with pride every time, and I look at her sometimes, and think just how lucky I am to be her mummy. To me she is totally perfect, I just know she’s going to do amazing things as she grows up.

Our world flipped upside down the day she was born, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. She’s worth every minute of lost sleep, every grey hair, every stretch mark and wrinkle. I can’t remember or imagine life without my precious girl in it. She’s my world, and always will be. I waited so long to become a mother, and I feel genuinely blessed to now be one. When I was pregnant, we didn’t find out the gender at scans, we kept it a surprise. I had such a strong feeling though, that I was carrying a girl. Not sure why, but I just knew. A mothers instinct perhaps? Right from the beginning. Obviously I would have been just as happy to be the mother of a son, but there was a huge part of me that was glad we had a girl πŸ˜€ I guess I’ve always wanted a daughter, and to have that mother and daughter bond.

Having my daughter, totally changed my perspective and outlook on life too. I honestly think she saved me. I still have rough times, and super tough times, where I battle my demons and the negative thoughts. There’s still even times where the suicidal thoughts creep in and consume me. But, my daughter is and always will be, my protective factor. I couldn’t leave her. I couldn’t leave my husband either, of course. Every time that I feel low, or have those negative thoughts, I just look at my daughter. Even at the worst times in my head, I couldn’t and wouldn’t act upon any of those thoughts. My daughter needs her mummy, just as much as I need her. She’s my mini me, my side kick, my best girl and my favourite tiny human ❀

^T.U.M^

Parenting, Life & Mental Health

Parenting, Life & Mental Health

Hi everyone,

Thought I’d make the most a free few minutes to check in with you all. A bit of an update on real life for me right now….

Well, to be honest, I’m struggling. With my mental health, physical health, stress, anxiety…. The list goes on!

Trying my hardest to keep my head above water, kicking my legs like mad, but running out of energy now. It’s all taking it’s toll on me and I’m exhausted.

Having issues with neighbours, financial pressures, emotions running wild due to recent events with so called family, and my physical health concerns constantly on my mind, as my ultrasound scan appointment rapidly approaches. All in all, it’s chaos, both inside my head and outside in my life. Some days I honestly don’t want to get out of bed, instead I’d rather pull the covers over my head and block the world out for the day. Just so I don’t have to deal with it all. I’m physically and emotionally drained.

There is some positive things happening in the background too, which I won’t go into now, but knowing they’re happening is helping me to keep fighting and battling my demons every day.

Parenting is intensely hard, due to all of the above, along with the tantrums and meltdowns that come as standard with a 2 year old. I love my daughter more than life, but she truly is hard work sometimes! It feels like constant battles over doing her hair, getting her dressed, what she wants to eat or drink, trying to change her nappy, and don’t even get me started on bedtime…. πŸ™ˆ I’m just so incredibly grateful that I’m not on my own with it all; my husband is my rock and is super helpful and supportive, with everything. I would be so utterly lost without him. He lifts me up when I fall down, puts me back together every time I break, and supports me through literally everything. He’s the most kind, caring and considerate human I know, and I’m so so lucky to call him mine.

I’m hopeful that things are beginning to turn a corner though, despite all the chaos and drama going on. I’ll be partly glad to see the back to 2018 though, as it’s been a pretty rough ride thus far! With only 4 months left of this year, the end is in sight and fingers crossed 2019 is our year to thrive and live happily ever after!

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling now, as time to get ready to once again go out and get stuff done! No rest for the wicked eh?!

Much love to you all and thanks for reading! ❀️

^T.UM^