Lockdown….

Lockdown….

Good morning all!

My last post was over a month ago, so figured I’d best pop in and catch up again! 😂

How are you all doing during this tough time? I’m having good days and bad days. Having to stay home is tough, when it’s not by choice. I’m not the most outgoing and social person anyway, generally only leave the house to go to the shop, doctors or the school run. But at least I knew I could go out for other reasons if I wanted to, like for coffee with a friend or to the cinema. Now, it’s like being a prisoner in your own home. Getting groceries is difficult, as all the home delivery slots and even click and collect slots, are booked up for weeks. Going to the stores takes ages, with the queuing to get in and being mindful of social distancing whilst shopping. My anxiety is often through the roof, and there is a small element of cabin fever going on too.

I try to look at the positives of the situation though, to try and stay upbeat and hopeful. The positives I’ve realised are:

  • More time spent with my daughter. Making memories and really reconnecting with her.
  • More time to organise, decluttering and sort out things in the house that I’ve wanted to do for so long, but never had the time.
  • More time to try and practice self care. Not being in a hurry to go anywhere or do anything, and being able to just take our time to do things. Today I’ve done a full facial skin care routine and put make up on. It’s so rare that I make a proper effort on my skincare, and even rarer that I put on makeup!

There are so many things too, that you realise you all too often, take for granted or don’t do often enough. Things like texting a friend, or calling a relative. Visiting elderly family, and spending time with them. In normal every day life, there’s so much hustle and bustle, we’re constantly on the go doing something, and the call or text or visit you keep meaning to do, never happens. Times like these, really do make you appreciate what you have and what you should be thankful for. It also makes you realise how precious and fragile life is. Tomorrow is never promised, it’s something we hope for but have no control over. Life is shorter than you think. Days, weeks, months, even years, pass by in the blink of an eye, when we’re all too busy with daily life. We never stop to take in the moment. To take a deep breath, step back, and appreciate everything you can see, or hear. Mindfulness is a thing we should all be doing. I’ll admit, I’ve not ever really been truly mindful or practised it properly. But it’s something I’m trying hard to do more of. When you look out of the window today, look at everything you can see. Take it in, be grateful for it, and keep reminding yourself to never to take any of it for granted.

Times are certainly tough right now, and the coming weeks and months are filled with so much uncertainty and anxiety.

I think if we had an end date it would be easier to cope. But the fear of the unknown is so hard. We all like to know what’s happening next, so we can prepare for it and expect it. But at the moment, you can’t prepare for something you have no idea about. Uncertainty is difficult to get to grips with. Plans can’t be made, or plans that had been made have to be cancelled. Life as we knew it, has stopped, or at the very least, paused. But the world keeps on turning. The wind still blows, the rain still falls. The clouds still float across the sky and the sun still shines. The moon still comes up and the stars still burn brightly in the night sky. Environmental factors, don’t have a pause button. They can’t be stopped. They just keep going, day in, day out. Flowers still grow, trees still stand tall. Time keeps ticking by, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.

Every second of everyday, take in the joy, the positives, the good things in life, that are too often forgotten about. Mend that drawer or paint that wall. Life is a a seriously precious thing, don’t waste any part of it. Dream big, have faith and hope, and don’t take anything or anyone for granted. If you love someone, tell them. If you miss someone, call them. Don’t procrastinate, because it could end up being too late.

Stay safe all, and I’ll check in again soon x

Family, life and thoughts….

Family, life and thoughts….

Hi all, apologies for the radio silence once again, days seem to just fly by and I can’t keep up. Things have been pretty hectic with one thing and another, but thought I’d pop in a post whilst I had a spare few minutes!!

So, today, I’m talking about family. Because just lately, I’ve felt so blessed to have my family. People who love and care about me, and I’d genuinely be lost without them.

Family isn’t always about blood relations. It comes in all shapes and sizes. Theres family by marriage, and family by choice too. Like friends for example. Those you’ve known for longer than you can remember, and are like family to you. They know everything about you, and you’d trust them with everything you have. I have several really close friends, who are like brothers and sisters to me. They’ve all got my back, and I theirs.

It’s a shame that certain members of my family by blood, don’t want to be a part of mine. But I’ve come to accept that, and living life to the full without them. I won’t chase those who don’t want to know me, as there’s just no point. It’s a waste of my energy, that I can focus upon those who do want to know me. Despite it all, I still gained 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and some cousins. So it’s not all bad. Ultimately, for those who don’t want to know, it’s their loss, not mine. I lived my life for 33 years without them in it, so there is no doubt I can continue to do so. There’s a vast difference between needing and wanting people in your life. I wanted them in my life, but I don’t need them. It may sound harsh, but it’s true.

I often feel kind of sad about it, because in the beginning it was brilliant. We all got on like we had never been apart. But it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess it’s true what they say about leaving the past in the past, and there’s no point dwelling on it. I succeeded in what I set out to do, that’s what’s important.

My immediate family (daughter and husband) are my everything. The reason I get up in the mornings, despite all the pains and low moods. They’re the reason I carry on fighting, day after day, because they need me, just as much as I need them. My daughter is growing up so so fast, and I’m scared I’ll blink and miss it. She is 3 in just over a month, and then off to preschool in September. I’m still struggling to really get my head around that, and still think back to the early days when she was a tiny baby, fully dependant on me for everything. Of course she is still pretty dependant on me now, but in a totally different way. She loves to be independent, and is constantly pushing and trying to be more so. If you try to help her, you often get told no, she will do it. She’s quite feisty and strong willed, and stubborn just like me! She makes me so proud every single day, of her, but also of myself. I feel so lucky to have been pregnant and given birth to such a beautiful little human. I may hate my body, and how I look, but it did a damn good job of growing a human. And for that, I’m proud. I feel sad for those who struggle or never even get to experience that, and can totally understand the pain and upset it causes. I thought it would never happen for us, and just when I’d about given up all hope, I was pregnant. The most terrifying and exhilarating feeling I’ve ever felt.

In some ways, I miss pregnancy, all those exciting times like scans, first kicks, hearing baby’s heartbeat etc. I miss my bump too, it made me feel genuinely beautiful, and I loved watching it grow. Although not so much the aches and pains that came with it! But it was all worth it, every part of it, to have my precious child.

I’ll leave you all with a few last thoughts for the day: Cherish every single moment with your family, never miss an opportunity to tell them you love them or give them a hug. You never know what tomorrow may bring, life is far shorter than you think. Don’t take for granted anyone, or anything. Because you could lose it quicker than you realise. While you’re wanting more, you’re missing what you already have. Live life for the now, don’t dwell on the past, and the future will take care of itself.
X

2019….so far.

2019….so far.

Hey, well, it’s 2 days into the new year, and so far it’s been pretty rubbish. Illness, tiredness, stress, frustration, and general moments when I just feel so overwhelmed by everything, that I just want to hide and cry myself to sleep. Like I literally can’t take anymore at that point. The fight or flight mode kicks in, and I don’t have the energy to fight, so just want to take flight. My moods have been all over the place; up and down, far more than usual. Stress is the biggest factor I think, along with the stinking cold I’ve got, dealing with a toddler with a cold too, and a husband that’s suffering also. I just feel so damn exhausted and broken. I need a fast influx of cash, to sort out all the crappy financial issues, and then start again. But unless I win the lottery, that’s not going to happen. My credit score is utter pants, so no one will give me a loan, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t be able to pay off the loan anyway probably! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!

I actually don’t know where I’m going with this post tonight, I just had the urge to write. Get all the crap out of my head I guess. Ugh, so tired. Think I’ll stop for tonight, I’ll write again soon.

^T.U.M^

 

1 more day….

1 more day….

….of 2018.

What a year it has been. So many ups and downs; some great times, and some not so great times. But, I survived it all. Like I always do. I’m not knocked down for long, and the comeback is even greater than the fall.

I won’t go into a long overview of the events of this year, as quite frankly, some I’d rather forget and leave in 2018 to be honest. Certain people will also remain in 2018. I don’t regret finding my birth father, but at the same time, I guess it will always hurt how easily he just turned his back on me. After all the promises he made to make up for all the lost years etc, and how he wasn’t going to disappear again…. and then, gone! I find it quite frustrating too, how he wasn’t even prepared to see things from my point of view, or let me explain what I was trying to say. He just blew up in my face and blocked all contact with me. He’s since come off Facebook as well, not sure why. He always said he’d been tempted to many times. It’s probably a good thing. I keep my profile seriously locked down though, so that he can’t get people to check up on me and see what I’m up to. I’d rather he didn’t know. If I’m not worthy of being in his life, then I sure as hell don’t deem him worthy of knowing anything about mine. It makes me sad though, as J really liked her Grandad, even though she only saw him 3 times. Part of me hopes that because she’s so little, she won’t really remember him. I can pretty much say for certain, that he won’t bother to remember her, or me probably. So, that’s all I’m going to say on that subject. It still cuts pretty deep and feels quite raw still, even though it was back in August. Oh well, at least I can hold my head up and say that I tried. It’s not my fault that it didn’t work out, some people just aren’t meant to be in your life, and I guess that’s it really. Life is far too short to hold grudges, resentment, bitterness or hate. It festers away inside of you, and doesn’t do you any good. It’s better just to accept it, let it go and move on.

Ugh, I lingered on that subject far more than I’d intended to. So, moving on!

For the most part, 2018 has been okay. People come and go, and that’s just life. Those who truly care, remain. Going forward into 2019, I’m going to focus on those that deserve to be in my life. Time is precious and I’m going to make the most of every minute. I’m also hoping that with a new year, brings me the answers I’m seeking about my physical health. Currently, doctors/consultants are suspecting the Endometriosis, and now also Fibromyalgia. So would be nice to know for certain, so that I can then deal with it all correctly. The constant unknown is so frustrating and worrying too. My brain often goes into overdrive, overthinking it all, and making up scenarios in my head of what it could be, and obviously always the worst case too! It’s driving to the brink of despair. There’s also the looming possibility of having wisdom teeth removed…. which is legitimately terrifying me. I am sick of the brutal pain though, so it would be the best outcome in the long run to have them out!

Anyway, I’ve got to the end of my concentration and train of thought now, so will call it a night. I’m going to try and set myself the goal of posting a blog at the very least, once a week. Most likely, on a Sunday. That was, I can round up the week, and look to the coming week as well. Obviously it doesn’t limit me to just the one post a week, but it’s a good goal to set I think! Anything more than the 1 is just a bonus achievement!!

Right, good night all, and will see you next year…. sort of!

^T.U.M^