9 years ❤

9 years ❤

Hey everyone,

So, today (well yesterday now!) my husband and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. We didn’t do anything special, but then we rarely do! It was just an ordinary day, with our little pickle. But it was still great. It’s crazy how much has happened in those 9 years. I think the biggest things were my breakdown in 2013, facing homelessness twice in 2016, so thus moving twice and having our daughter. (1st house move I was heavily pregnant, 2nd little miss was 4 months old). We’ve seen our fair share of stress and upset, but we’ve also seen some amazing and happy times too.

My husband is my rock; he’s literally by my side, through everything. His support and love have gotten me through some seriously tough times. He’s celebrated my victories, and consoled me during my defeats. He’s raised me up, when I’ve had no strength left. He’s held my hand through the hardest moments of my life, and he’s saved my life more than once. I truly appreciate how lucky I am to have him in my life. I’d be so lost without him. He’s an amazing father to our daughter too, and I love seeing the bond they have. J is a true daddy’s girl! But I love that.

Today was also great, because I received a letter from the consultant neurologist, telling me that the CT head scan was normal, and that his diagnosis was: I had a Reflex Anoxic Seizure (sometimes referred to as a Convulsive Syncope). Which, hopefully, won’t happen again. Although there’s no guarantees. It’s good news though, that there’s nothing seriously wrong going on. It was a welcome relief, as my anxiety has been sky high about it all. I felt like I could relax a bit more about it now!

Tuesday I had a filling drilled out and replaced at the dentists. That was fun, not! And tomorrow, I’m back at the hospital to the dental clinic, about my wisdom teeth. I had a CT for that too, to see how close the root of my bottom wisdom teeth are to the nerve in my jaw. If it’s too close, they’ll refuse to remove them. So it’s kinda 50/50 I guess as to what will happen. Watch this space, as they say!!

Been a bit of an emotional end to the day this evening, as a good friend of mine is currently in ICU, after stopping breathing in her sleep at the weekend. Its worrying me a lot 😭 I was only talking to her last week, I really hope she’s going to be okay 🖤

I think that’s pretty much summed up what’s been going on since I last posted! Going to head off to bed shortly, am utterly shattered! Thanks for reading! I will get that guest post up soon, I promise!!

Night all x

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Hey everyone,

I’ve got to apologise once again, for being missing in action for so long!! Everytime I’ve thought “I’ll get a blog post up tonight”, something has cropped up, or I’ve fallen asleep, or other such things have occurred. Its frustrating, but that’s life I suppose!!

So, a bit of a catch up is once again due!

I should really read my last post before posting new ones, but I never do 🤦‍♀️ so I also apologise if I repeat myself!

If I remember rightly, the last post was shortly after I was really unwell and taken to hospital by ambulance. It took a fair while to recover from that, which was pretty frustrating. But thankfully, I’m pretty much back to normal; well normal for me anyway!

I’ve since seen the neurology consultant, who said he feels that it was a one off, and not as a result of anything sinister going on in my brain, or epilepsy. Which is a relief. He did send me for a CT brain scan, which I had yesterday, just to make sure all is good in there. He said he would write to me with the results, and what, if any, further action needs to happen. If the scan is fine, then I’ve no need to go back to see him. I also had my full body bone scan yesterday. It was a seriously long day at the hospital. I arrived at around 10.30am, and didn’t leave until about 6pm. Getting home at just before 7pm! The bone scan was what took the longest, as it involved having an injection at 12pm (although my appointment time was 11.15!) And then waiting until 3.30pm for the scan. To allow the radioactive stuff to get into my bones. So boring on my own! Had lunch at Costa, and then wandered about for what felt like forever. Sat in the outpatients garden for a bit too, and read a book. Finally got to 3pm and I headed back up to the nuclear medicine department for the scan. The scan took about 30 minutes, which wasn’t so bad. I left that department around 4pm. Then had to pass the time once again, until 5.45pm for the CT scan! Which thankfully, I was seen 5 minutes early and was out and on the bus by 6pm! Longest. Day. Ever. I was utterly exhausted by the time I got home, and still feel pretty drained today! But glad they’re both done! Now the waiting for the results…. ugh.

Can’t recall if I mentioned having the Mirena Coil put in, in my last post. But I finally gave in and went through with it. Seriously painful procedure (for me anyway, some women don’t feel a thing!). Made me feel quite unwell for a day or 2, and very bad cramps on and off too. But once it had settled, it’s not been too bad. Hopefully it’ll be a positive thing and make life with Endometriosis a bit easier! Am back to see the gynae consultant in May, so we shall see what’s going to happen next, if anything.

2nd of April, I’m having an MRIS on my joints. Not much looking forward to that. The MRI machine is so loud and claustrophobic, so I struggle with that. But hopefully it’ll be okay. That’s the 2nd test that the rheumatology consultant requested. First being the bone scan. Not seeing him until August though, unless the results require me to go sooner. Yet again, another waiting game!

I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow to check in and update her on what’s been going on. Then next week, I’ve got dentist for a filling to be drilled out and redone. I just need a break from treatments, tests, scans, doctors, hospitals….everything! I’m so tired and done with it all now. Feel like I’m falling apart piece by piece! At the age of 34…. oh the joys!

Anyways, I’m gonna go chill out now for a bit before heading off to bed. I’ll be back fairly soon, as I’m guest writing for education.com again! Was asked a few weeks back if I’d like to write for them again, and of course said yes! But with one thing and another, I’m yet to actually do the post! 🤦‍♀️ it’s on my to-do list for this weekend! Hopefully!!

Thanks for reading, hope you’re all having a good week!! X

Monday Madness

Monday Madness

Ugh. That’s the general feels for today…. just, ugh.

It’s been a really hard, draining, stressful day. From the moment I woke up, to right now, I’ve struggled with literally everything. Getting out of bed this morning, was super tough, as I just felt so achey and heavy, I very nearly just didn’t bother getting up at all. I had a doctors appointment though, and I knew if I didn’t go, I’d be pissed at myself. So, I was up, dressed and out the door in the space of 20 minutes. Was late to my appointment, but they’re never running on time anyway. I was seeing the one and only doctor, that does the mirena coil procedures. On the advice of my GP when I saw her last week, to try and ease my anxiety and fears about having it. As that’s seemingly my only option for now. She was very reassuring, and despite still feeling pretty anxious about it, after the appointment, I booked in for the swabs (to make sure there’s no infections etc before having it put in) and the procedure too. 14th February for swabs, and if they’re all okay, 7th March for the mirena. It’s an early appointment, so at least I can get it out of the way and get on with the day. Does mean getting up early though, with enough time to eat and take pain relief before going for it. I am dreading it, I won’t lie, but I’m sincerely hoping it’s as amazing as I’m being led to believe….

Anyway, after the doctors, I picked up a few bits from the shop for lunch and headed home. This afternoon, we went up to Iceland and Aldi, and in Iceland, little miss decided to kick off in epic style. I actually wanted the ground to swallow me up at one point. I could feel all eyes around me, burning into my skin almost. I could hear the tuts, and saw the shaking of heads and disapproving looks. I glared back at a few of them, and really had to bite my tongue and hold back from losing my shit with people. I felt so vulnerable and anxious, and totally lost it with my poor girl. I hate getting cross with her. I hate losing my temper. It makes me feel so angry at myself, and guilty for upsetting her and making the situation worse. I know she doesn’t do it on purpose (mostly!), and that she’s just venting her frustration in the only way she knows how. I also realise that she’s growing up, and therefore wanting to be more independent. Today the kick off was because she wanted to get out of the buggy and walk. At the time, we were trying to get the bits of shopping we needed and get home. We were all tired, a little bit on the frazzled side, and it escalated pretty quickly. Once we’d paid, and got some of the way home, off the main busy road too, I got her out of the buggy and we let her walk the rest of the way home. She did really well, and held my hand all the way. I was genuinely really proud of her, and how well she behaved once she was out and calm. She was pointing things out, like dogs, leaves, cars etc. She is super observant of everything around her, and I love that. We eventually made it home, and up to the house. I was relieved to be honest, as my anxiety was raging and I needed to get back to my comfort zone and calm down.

J is so fiercely stubborn when it comes to independence. She’s so strong willed, and when she makes up her mind to do something or wants something, there’s literally no point really trying to battle with her. Obviously there is times where we do have to stick to our guns and say no to some things, and deal with the inevitable consequences, but most of the time, our little toddler terror, usually wins, just for a quiet life! It’s probably not the greatest parenting in the world, but it’s how we feel is best for us, and it works (most of the time). So, stuff what anyone else thinks. Our child, our lives, our rules. Simples!

Before I sign off for the night, I’d love to ask a little favour of you all if I may…. if you have Facebook, I would be so grateful if you’d pop onto my page and give it a like. I’m working really hard on building it back up again, after having to start fresh. I think the link to it should be to the side of this post, but if not, you can find it by clicking here – Mumma:7716

I post as often as I can to my page, more often than I sit and write a blog post anyway! I missed my usual Sunday blog sesh, as J refused to go to bed until nearly 11pm, and by that point I was just shattered and had zero concentration!

Right, going to call it there for tonight, I hope you all had a good weekend, and that Monday was kind to you today! Have a fab week everyone, and I’ll speak to you again soon!

Much love X

 

Real, raw and honest….

Real, raw and honest….

Feeling pretty pants tonight if I’m honest; still full of cold/flu germs, and despite a pretty chilled day, I’m just so drained and exhausted. All we did today was have baths, and I changed the beds. But its wiped me out. Have only just got J to bed and asleep (11.20pm!!) after a failed attempt earlier on. She has been up and on the go since 8.45am this morning! How she kept going, is beyond me! No nap either…. toddlers eh?! Hoping to feel a bit less “ugh” tomorrow. Am so bored, tired and fed up with always being poorly.

I often feel like my body just hates me 🤦‍♀️ if it’s not my brain chemicals causing me issues, it’s my immune system not coping, resulting in me getting a virus or infection; Or my joints aching, swelling or stiffening up like they’ve been filled with concrete, making simple tasks like walking near on impossible; or feeling like my insides are trying to claw their way out…. it never ends! There is always something happening that I have to deal with. Whilst trying my best to be a mum, a wife, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, a friend…. and generally just adulting. Some days are harder than others, and I get the very rare odd day here and there, where I’m 90% feeling alright….! No two days are really the same though, and I can go to bed feeling okay, and wake up feeling horrendous, or vice versa. It’s all very unpredictable and I think that’s what makes it so frustrating! Never knowing what curve ball will be thrown at me next, and wondering if I’ll have the energy to dodge it, or if it’ll hit me square in the face and knock me down again. Mental health and physical health, go hand in hand. One can’t function without the other, and so many don’t seem to understand that. Mental illness can make you feel physically unwell too, and likewise, being physically unwell can make you feel down and depressed too. Especially when its relentless, one thing after another.

But, I take each day as it comes. A new day, to try again, to fight again, and to do what I need to, to get through it. I make the most of the good times, and repeat “this too shall pass” through the bad. I take the ups with the downs, and live my best life as much as possible. Its important to live for today, always. Because the past is gone, dwelling on it is pointless, as is worrying about the future. They are two times that can’t be changed or predicted, so focus on the here and now. Live fully in each moment and never take anything or anyone for granted. Life is far too short, don’t let it pass you by. Make it count.

Much love, and good night! X

Holding on, just.

Holding on, just.

Hi all,

Thought I’d check in whilst I had 5 minutes to sit and write; things are, in a word, tough.

I’m tired; so very tired. J has been all over the place with her sleep lately, and it’s having such a huge impact on me now. I literally feel like I’m broken. There’s not a part of my body that doesn’t ache; my joints feel stiff and swollen; I’m snappy, irritable, and just generally such a crappy person lately. I hate it. I hate how I am, the crushing lows that I feel, and the fact that I don’t know what to do about it. Yes, I could go to my GP, but there’s very little that she can really do. Tweak my medication maybe? But that’s about it. I’m sick of relying on medication as it is, the last thing I want to be doing is increasing any of them. Especially as there may be more added to the mix once I’ve seen the Rheumatology consultant next month. I feel like a walking pharmacy. Even my hubby commented on the amount of pills I take in a day. It’s ridiculous. But necessary, in order for me to “function”. Even though I don’t feel like I’m functioning at all recently. More like just existing. Plodding on, as I have to, and that’s about it. It’s pretty shit in all honesty.

Today was a proud day though, as we’ve officially started potty training. We’ve totally let J take control, and let us know when she was ready. Today was that day. She actually used the potty, rather than just sitting on it. I think it took her by surprise, as much as it did us too. But I’m so so proud of her. She’s growing up way too fast though, and that’s kinda scary. Every “first” is the last. If that makes sense. I’m not going to be experiencing any of these moments again, so it feels a little bittersweet to be honest. In a way, I’ve tried to put off such things like potty training, to try and keep her as my baby for as long as possible. I realise though, that that’s not fair on her. She’s allowed to grow up, learn new things, take big steps like using the potty today, and she’s allowed to carve her own path in life. I will never hold her back. She’s her own person, and her personality and character are really shining through, and she’s genuinely such a lovely kid to be around. Of course she has her moments, where I’m tearing my hair out in frustration, but she’s just a typical toddler in that respect. They test patience and boundaries, that’s how they learn at the end of the day. If they don’t do things wrong, then they don’t learn the difference between that and doing things right. It’s our job as parents, to ensure their safety, and guide them along the path of growing up, but not to limit them to the extent that they feel suffocated or like they’re wrapped up in cotton wool. Grazed knees, bumps and bruises, are part and parcel of growing up. They’re not something we can prevent, and to be honest, we shouldn’t try. Of course, keeping them out of danger and harms way, is vital. But the rest, we just need to let go and allow them to experience things.

Since becoming a mum, it’s been quite hard for me in many ways. Being a first time mum, over 30, and having mental health problems, I found myself facing a lot of criticism and judgement. I never felt like I was doing a good enough job, and that my way of parenting was wrong. Post Natal Depression kicked my arse. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I literally fell apart. Sleep deprivation is an absolute nightmare, and the demands of a newborn are super intense. There was many times, that I felt like I couldn’t do it, and that I wasn’t good enough. But I battled through it, as my daughter needed me, and I wasn’t about to give up on myself, nor her. Tough times are inevitable, but they do pass. Tough people, get through them. They fight tooth and nail, to get to the other side. To climb out of the low moments, and embrace the good things. No matter how hard it may be, I won’t give up. Every battle I face, I know that I can win. It may not be an immediate victory, and it most likely won’t be easy. But I have the biggest reason to always keep trying. My daughter – my world, my rainbow, my sunshine, my forever love. There will never be a battle that I can’t face up to and win, with my daughter by my side, she gives me the strength and determination.

Of course, I should also say that I fight these battles for my husband too. The love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend. We’ve been having a bit of a rough time recently too, most likely down to the fact we’re both so utterly exhausted, being the parents of a toddler, who resembles more of an energiser bunny most days! For every fight and fall out we have though, I’m sure it makes us stronger as a result. We both apologise, and move on. Some days are harder than others, and I’ve often cried over things, and felt concerned that I’m pushing him away. It would literally break me into a million pieces to lose him. He’s my rock. He’s supported me through literally the worst times of my life, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. It shows me just what unconditional love truly is. He’s been by my side for over 15 years now, and he’s never given up on me. Even when I’ve been a total bitch to him, and been an utter nightmare to live with. He’s defended me, protected me, and blessed me with the gift of our daughter. Simply the greatest gift of all, and seeing him being such a great father too, just makes me love him all the more.

I don’t know if any of this post has really made any sense, but it’s helped me process a few things in my head, and realise just how damn lucky I truly am. We may not have it all, but having each other is enough. I wouldn’t be here now, if it wasn’t for my husband. He came into my life at the exact point when I needed a knight in shining armour to save me. I honestly feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, I may not be rich in terms of money, but I’m most certainly rich in terms of how much I’m loved, needed and wanted. And that to me, is worth more than any amount of money.

I love my little family, and no matter what life throws at us, we’ll face it all together.

Good night all x

^T.U.M^

2019….so far.

2019….so far.

Hey, well, it’s 2 days into the new year, and so far it’s been pretty rubbish. Illness, tiredness, stress, frustration, and general moments when I just feel so overwhelmed by everything, that I just want to hide and cry myself to sleep. Like I literally can’t take anymore at that point. The fight or flight mode kicks in, and I don’t have the energy to fight, so just want to take flight. My moods have been all over the place; up and down, far more than usual. Stress is the biggest factor I think, along with the stinking cold I’ve got, dealing with a toddler with a cold too, and a husband that’s suffering also. I just feel so damn exhausted and broken. I need a fast influx of cash, to sort out all the crappy financial issues, and then start again. But unless I win the lottery, that’s not going to happen. My credit score is utter pants, so no one will give me a loan, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t be able to pay off the loan anyway probably! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!

I actually don’t know where I’m going with this post tonight, I just had the urge to write. Get all the crap out of my head I guess. Ugh, so tired. Think I’ll stop for tonight, I’ll write again soon.

^T.U.M^

 

1 more day….

1 more day….

….of 2018.

What a year it has been. So many ups and downs; some great times, and some not so great times. But, I survived it all. Like I always do. I’m not knocked down for long, and the comeback is even greater than the fall.

I won’t go into a long overview of the events of this year, as quite frankly, some I’d rather forget and leave in 2018 to be honest. Certain people will also remain in 2018. I don’t regret finding my birth father, but at the same time, I guess it will always hurt how easily he just turned his back on me. After all the promises he made to make up for all the lost years etc, and how he wasn’t going to disappear again…. and then, gone! I find it quite frustrating too, how he wasn’t even prepared to see things from my point of view, or let me explain what I was trying to say. He just blew up in my face and blocked all contact with me. He’s since come off Facebook as well, not sure why. He always said he’d been tempted to many times. It’s probably a good thing. I keep my profile seriously locked down though, so that he can’t get people to check up on me and see what I’m up to. I’d rather he didn’t know. If I’m not worthy of being in his life, then I sure as hell don’t deem him worthy of knowing anything about mine. It makes me sad though, as J really liked her Grandad, even though she only saw him 3 times. Part of me hopes that because she’s so little, she won’t really remember him. I can pretty much say for certain, that he won’t bother to remember her, or me probably. So, that’s all I’m going to say on that subject. It still cuts pretty deep and feels quite raw still, even though it was back in August. Oh well, at least I can hold my head up and say that I tried. It’s not my fault that it didn’t work out, some people just aren’t meant to be in your life, and I guess that’s it really. Life is far too short to hold grudges, resentment, bitterness or hate. It festers away inside of you, and doesn’t do you any good. It’s better just to accept it, let it go and move on.

Ugh, I lingered on that subject far more than I’d intended to. So, moving on!

For the most part, 2018 has been okay. People come and go, and that’s just life. Those who truly care, remain. Going forward into 2019, I’m going to focus on those that deserve to be in my life. Time is precious and I’m going to make the most of every minute. I’m also hoping that with a new year, brings me the answers I’m seeking about my physical health. Currently, doctors/consultants are suspecting the Endometriosis, and now also Fibromyalgia. So would be nice to know for certain, so that I can then deal with it all correctly. The constant unknown is so frustrating and worrying too. My brain often goes into overdrive, overthinking it all, and making up scenarios in my head of what it could be, and obviously always the worst case too! It’s driving to the brink of despair. There’s also the looming possibility of having wisdom teeth removed…. which is legitimately terrifying me. I am sick of the brutal pain though, so it would be the best outcome in the long run to have them out!

Anyway, I’ve got to the end of my concentration and train of thought now, so will call it a night. I’m going to try and set myself the goal of posting a blog at the very least, once a week. Most likely, on a Sunday. That was, I can round up the week, and look to the coming week as well. Obviously it doesn’t limit me to just the one post a week, but it’s a good goal to set I think! Anything more than the 1 is just a bonus achievement!!

Right, good night all, and will see you next year…. sort of!

^T.U.M^