Testing times.

Testing times.

Hey everyone,

One very exhausted mumma here. Have had 2 nights of zero sleep, and several of very little, in the past 7 days. I’m utterly broken. Since preschool closed and we were stuck at home, J has been so unsettled. Her routine has fully gone out the window, her sleeps all over the place, she’s either eating constantly or barely anything. I’m feeling like utter crap, so worn down and just need a break. This lockdown needs to end sooner rather than later, because I honestly can’t take it much longer. I wish the Coronavirus would just bugger off 😩😩😩😩

 

Marching on!

Marching on!

Hello all!

So, today is March 1st. The 3rd chapter of 2020, and a chance to start fresh with a new mindset, new goals, and new ideas. My main goal this month, is to stick to the budget I set up, and make it from now until the 31st without running out of money or having bills going unpaid. I want to get on top of our financial situation and boss it, rather than it boss me. I’ve had enough of worrying about paying bills or stressing about feeding my family. I don’t want to have to resort to visiting the food bank anymore, and I don’t want to have to borrow money from friends or family to get by. I’m 35 and really should be standing on my own feet by now. I’m a mother and a wife, and whilst my health restricts me from working and earning an income, I am determined to do the best I can with what we do get. Things are finally turning around with money, and the improvement is a massive relief. I feel far less stressed, and it’s a great feeling. There’s always that element of fear and reluctance to relish the moment entirely, because I’m always afraid that it’ll all go to shit again. Anxiety is an absolute nightmare, and does tend to really hinder my life. I wish I could let go, and enjoy the fact that life is good right now. I guess it’ll always be like that for me though, but I’ll plod on like I’ve always done.

On another topic, parenting. It’s hard. Like, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Yes it’s rewarding, and I do feel truly blessed to be a mother. But, it is all consuming and utterly exhausting. Both mentally and physically. There are days, when I feel so out of my depth and overwhelmed, that I honestly don’t know how to keep going. The three year old stage has been the hardest age so far. It’s brought with it, attitude, anger, defiance, stubbornness, misbehaving on purpose, and so much more. We’ve had sleep issues, food issues, and stress levels have been well and truly off the scale. As a family, we’ve been through so much, and inevitably the strain does start to take its toll. September to December 2019, saw us battling illness after illness, and we were glad to see the back of it. But then January came around and J went back to preschool, and once again the perpetual cycle of illness started again. Added to that, the above mentioned problems, and I’m totally frazzled to the max. I know that the behaviour stuff is all part of her emotional development and she’s learning constantly, how to manage her behaviour, what’s appropriate and what’s not, boundaries, and all of that. I realise it’s probably just as hard for her, as it is for us, if not more so. It must be so hard to process it all and make sense of it in her head. I do my best to guide her, reassure her, and be there for her. But there are times I feel I’m less than what I should be. I lose my temper far more often than I’d like. I say things I instantly regret. And it makes me feel utterly awful and like a total failure. I feel like I’m letting her down, and not doing the best for her as I should be. I question myself every day, and beat myself up over the most ridiculous things. In her eyes though, I’m her world. Her safe place, her comfort, her support, and she loves me unconditionally. I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is hard though, especially when I’m tired, or in pain. It all gets very draining and my brain feels fried by the end of the day.

It’s hard to comprehend that J will be 4 in just over 4 months. Then starting in reception class in about 6 months. It feels like time is flying by and I wish sometimes I could slow it down. As my first and last child, I’m trying to relish everything, all the new milestones and achievements, and moments I know we won’t have again. I know it’ll all be worth it, and I’m sure J will grow up into an amazing woman. I’m so proud of her and love her more than words could ever convey. She may drive me to my limits, push my buttons and deprive me of sleep, but this won’t last forever. So for now, I’ll make the most of every moment, every cuddle, every “love you mumma” and try to be kinder to myself, as I’m doing the best I can.

Much love,

X

Worst 5 days ever.

Worst 5 days ever.

Hey everyone,

Huge apologies for not writing for a while. With one thing and another, its just not happened. I won’t recap on too much, as I’d be here all night, and quite frankly don’t have the energy to do so.

The last 5 days have utterly broken me. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I’m drained. I’ll start from day 1 –

Friday, 20th April: it was evening, and I was in the kitchen, washing up, and my nan called. So stopped to talk to her. Hubby and J were playing in the lounge, J was running around like she always does. And then bang. And an ear piercing scream. I hear hubby say ‘Oh my God’ and he appeared at the kitchen door, holding J, and she was covered in blood. I instantly panicked and told my nan I had to go and hung up on her. Took J from hubby as she wanted me, and checked her over. Thankfully no broken or knocked out teeth, but 2 big holes in her bottom lip. So much blood, and it didn’t seem to want to stop. Hubby called 111, and they said they were sending an ambulance. But then about 20 minutes later, ambulance control called and said there was a 3hr wait, and that it would be quicker for us to take her in ourselves. So off we went. Spent a good couple of hours there, eventually getting home around 11pm. J was asleep by 11.30pm and we collapsed in our chairs and had a cuppa, then headed off to bed too. Exhausted and emotional.

Saturday, 21st April: J woke, and was obviously in pain bless her. So she had calpol etc and we got on with the day as best we could. Hubby’s parents visited in the afternoon, and we took J out to the communal garden for a run around. All was going well, she was having a great time with her nana. Then she fell over, on concrete. Grazing, cutting and bruising her knees quite badly, as she was wearing shorts that day. I had to put plasters on her knees to ‘make better mummy’, as everytime she looked at them she broke down in tears. Once they were covered she semi forgot about it. Another day, another worrying time.

Thankfully, Sunday and Monday passed without much going on. J went to bed as usual last night (Monday) and crashed out, as we had been for a play at the local park in the afternoon, which she had loved and had lots of fun. Now here’s where it gets even worse….

Today, Tuesday 23rd April: J woke up at around 6am, calling for me. Which instantly caused me some concern, as normally if she wakes she just comes through and gets into our bed. She was freezing cold, but wouldn’t let me put the duvet back over her. She then followed me to the bathroom, and I said shall we go have cuddles in mummy and daddys bed. She said no, and went back in her room, and laid on the floor. I called hubby, as I was getting more concerned as clearly something wasn’t right. She wandered around upstairs like she was in a daze or still asleep. Was sick a couple of times, just like phlegm really. She kept trying to hold it back, which was making her feel worse and prolonging it. We managed to get her downstairs, she didn’t want her usual bottle. She was still very much out of sorts, and was vomiting every half hour to an hour, the same phlegmy type stuff. At 8am, we called the doctors, as we wanted to get her checked out. Whilst hubby was sat on hold to them, I popped upstairs to get J some clothes, anticipating a trip to the doctors surgery. I then hear hubby running up the stairs, calling my name. He very rarely calls me by my name these days, its normally mummy. So I knew something was happening. He told me he couldn’t wake her. She had been sick again, then laid down on the floor, and fell asleep. He just had a feeling that something wasn’t right, so he tried to wake her. But couldn’t. Which was when he called for me. I came rushing down the stairs, and saw my sweet girl, lifeless on the floor. I felt sick with worry and panic, and it felt like my heart stopped and then hit the floor. I tried to wake her, shaking her, calling her name, all the nicknames I have for her, and was getting nothing. Put my hand on her chest and was relieved to feel she was still breathing, but she was so pale, almost grey. I told hubby to sod the doctors, just call 999 and I kept trying to wake her. It took a good 3 or 4 minutes to get a response, and then she kind of dropped in and out of sleep/consciousness. She then rolled on her side and vomited again. This time it was bright yellow. The first response paramedics arrived first, and started checking her over and asking us what had been happening. She was more alert by this point thankfully, but still obviously not right. A couple of minutes later, the ambulance crew arrived as well. Poor J looked a little bewildered as she looked around the room, as there were 4 paramedics, as well as me and hubby. The paramedics thought it was best to take her down to A&E for a full check over and to see the paediatric doctors. So I gathered what we needed, and went down to the ambulance with J. Hubby locked up and followed in the car, so that we had a way of getting home! It felt like the longest journey ever. On arrival, the paramedic booked her in, and we went round to the paediatric emergency department. I was so glad to see my hubby in the door way looking around for us. J was weighed, and we were shown to the room where she was going to be in. It feels like a bit of a blur for the most part, but she was constantly checked, and had to pass a fluid challenge (basically drink a full 200ml of Diaoralyte solution and keep it down). She also had some paracetamol too. As time went on, the more she drank, the more she perked up and began to be more like her usual self. After 3hrs of obs and keeping fluids down, we were allowed home. She dozed a little in the car on the way home, but then perked up when she was back in familiar surroundings. Over the afternoon, she grazed on things like crisps, cereal, crackers etc. And was thankfully drinking well too. And was more and more like her normal self. She had more calpol and went off to bed around 8pm, asleep by about 8.20pm. I’m keeping everything crossed, that we have a good night and she wakes up all good in the morning.

3 things in 5 days, is quite enough!! I honestly don’t think I can cope with anymore.

Right, time for some chilling and then hopefully sleeping…. X

9 years ❤

9 years ❤

Hey everyone,

So, today (well yesterday now!) my husband and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. We didn’t do anything special, but then we rarely do! It was just an ordinary day, with our little pickle. But it was still great. It’s crazy how much has happened in those 9 years. I think the biggest things were my breakdown in 2013, facing homelessness twice in 2016, so thus moving twice and having our daughter. (1st house move I was heavily pregnant, 2nd little miss was 4 months old). We’ve seen our fair share of stress and upset, but we’ve also seen some amazing and happy times too.

My husband is my rock; he’s literally by my side, through everything. His support and love have gotten me through some seriously tough times. He’s celebrated my victories, and consoled me during my defeats. He’s raised me up, when I’ve had no strength left. He’s held my hand through the hardest moments of my life, and he’s saved my life more than once. I truly appreciate how lucky I am to have him in my life. I’d be so lost without him. He’s an amazing father to our daughter too, and I love seeing the bond they have. J is a true daddy’s girl! But I love that.

Today was also great, because I received a letter from the consultant neurologist, telling me that the CT head scan was normal, and that his diagnosis was: I had a Reflex Anoxic Seizure (sometimes referred to as a Convulsive Syncope). Which, hopefully, won’t happen again. Although there’s no guarantees. It’s good news though, that there’s nothing seriously wrong going on. It was a welcome relief, as my anxiety has been sky high about it all. I felt like I could relax a bit more about it now!

Tuesday I had a filling drilled out and replaced at the dentists. That was fun, not! And tomorrow, I’m back at the hospital to the dental clinic, about my wisdom teeth. I had a CT for that too, to see how close the root of my bottom wisdom teeth are to the nerve in my jaw. If it’s too close, they’ll refuse to remove them. So it’s kinda 50/50 I guess as to what will happen. Watch this space, as they say!!

Been a bit of an emotional end to the day this evening, as a good friend of mine is currently in ICU, after stopping breathing in her sleep at the weekend. Its worrying me a lot 😭 I was only talking to her last week, I really hope she’s going to be okay 🖤

I think that’s pretty much summed up what’s been going on since I last posted! Going to head off to bed shortly, am utterly shattered! Thanks for reading! I will get that guest post up soon, I promise!!

Night all x

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Shenanigans & Contemplation

Hey everyone,

I’ve got to apologise once again, for being missing in action for so long!! Everytime I’ve thought “I’ll get a blog post up tonight”, something has cropped up, or I’ve fallen asleep, or other such things have occurred. Its frustrating, but that’s life I suppose!!

So, a bit of a catch up is once again due!

I should really read my last post before posting new ones, but I never do 🤦‍♀️ so I also apologise if I repeat myself!

If I remember rightly, the last post was shortly after I was really unwell and taken to hospital by ambulance. It took a fair while to recover from that, which was pretty frustrating. But thankfully, I’m pretty much back to normal; well normal for me anyway!

I’ve since seen the neurology consultant, who said he feels that it was a one off, and not as a result of anything sinister going on in my brain, or epilepsy. Which is a relief. He did send me for a CT brain scan, which I had yesterday, just to make sure all is good in there. He said he would write to me with the results, and what, if any, further action needs to happen. If the scan is fine, then I’ve no need to go back to see him. I also had my full body bone scan yesterday. It was a seriously long day at the hospital. I arrived at around 10.30am, and didn’t leave until about 6pm. Getting home at just before 7pm! The bone scan was what took the longest, as it involved having an injection at 12pm (although my appointment time was 11.15!) And then waiting until 3.30pm for the scan. To allow the radioactive stuff to get into my bones. So boring on my own! Had lunch at Costa, and then wandered about for what felt like forever. Sat in the outpatients garden for a bit too, and read a book. Finally got to 3pm and I headed back up to the nuclear medicine department for the scan. The scan took about 30 minutes, which wasn’t so bad. I left that department around 4pm. Then had to pass the time once again, until 5.45pm for the CT scan! Which thankfully, I was seen 5 minutes early and was out and on the bus by 6pm! Longest. Day. Ever. I was utterly exhausted by the time I got home, and still feel pretty drained today! But glad they’re both done! Now the waiting for the results…. ugh.

Can’t recall if I mentioned having the Mirena Coil put in, in my last post. But I finally gave in and went through with it. Seriously painful procedure (for me anyway, some women don’t feel a thing!). Made me feel quite unwell for a day or 2, and very bad cramps on and off too. But once it had settled, it’s not been too bad. Hopefully it’ll be a positive thing and make life with Endometriosis a bit easier! Am back to see the gynae consultant in May, so we shall see what’s going to happen next, if anything.

2nd of April, I’m having an MRIS on my joints. Not much looking forward to that. The MRI machine is so loud and claustrophobic, so I struggle with that. But hopefully it’ll be okay. That’s the 2nd test that the rheumatology consultant requested. First being the bone scan. Not seeing him until August though, unless the results require me to go sooner. Yet again, another waiting game!

I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow to check in and update her on what’s been going on. Then next week, I’ve got dentist for a filling to be drilled out and redone. I just need a break from treatments, tests, scans, doctors, hospitals….everything! I’m so tired and done with it all now. Feel like I’m falling apart piece by piece! At the age of 34…. oh the joys!

Anyways, I’m gonna go chill out now for a bit before heading off to bed. I’ll be back fairly soon, as I’m guest writing for education.com again! Was asked a few weeks back if I’d like to write for them again, and of course said yes! But with one thing and another, I’m yet to actually do the post! 🤦‍♀️ it’s on my to-do list for this weekend! Hopefully!!

Thanks for reading, hope you’re all having a good week!! X

Chaos & cuss words.

Chaos & cuss words.

Hey everyone,

Sincerest apologies for not writing for a while; have had, what can only be described, as a hellish week last week. All starting on the Sunday (24th February). Grab a cuppa, this may be a long one!

****TRIGGER WARNING**** (vomiting, hospital)

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So, had a pretty chilled day that Sunday, took J for a run around at the park, and I actually put make up on for the first time in a long while! Came home, and hadn’t got much in that was quick for dinner, so decided to order a takeaway. Honestly wish we hadn’t. But, we did, we ate, it was good. Then, about half an hour to an hour after eating, I started to feel queasy. Thinking not much of it, as I was due my monthly, and normally get some degree of nausea in the lead up to it. Got on with things, as I always do, got little miss to bed etc and relaxed with hubby. I was getting more and more nauseous by the minute though, and anxiety started to kick in, knowing something wasn’t right and the likelihood of being physically unwell was high. Around midnight, the feeling intensified, and I knew I was going to be sick. Made a dash for the kitchen sink, as wasn’t going to make it upstairs quick enough. Was violently sick. Dizzy, sweaty, shaky and generally feeling totally rough (as you do when you’re sick!). Hoping it was only going to be the once, had some water and splashed my face with cool water, disinfected the sink and went and sat back in the lounge to recover.

1am rolls round, we hadn’t yet gone up to bed, and I feel sick again. Worse than before. Get to the kitchen, getting more and more dizzy by the second, barely being able to see where the sink was. I remember reaching the sink, leaning up against it as everything had gone black and fuzzy, so I was just hoping I would vomit into the sink…. then, bang.

Next thing I know, I’m sat on the kitchen floor, covered in vomit, sitting in vomit and potentially pee, with my husband on the phone and holding me upright. I hadn’t a clue who I was, where I was or what had happened. The only thing I knew for sure, was that I was in a lot of pain and really not well at all. My husband was on the phone to 999. Paramedics arrived shortly after I come round, and checked me over, ecg, BP, temperature etc. They said I needed to be taken to hospital for further tests and observation. It turns out, I’d collapsed and had a seizure. The first ever in my life. My husband had heard the bang, and came to the kitchen, to find me on the floor. He grabbed the phone and called straight away, and whilst he was doing so, I started convulsing, and my hands went into like claw shapes, really rigid. I remember when I came round, that my hands were still pretty rigid and I couldn’t open them. He also had to pull me forwards, as my head went back as I was vomiting, and I started choking.

It was quite honestly the most terrifying experience of my life. I actually thought I was going to die. I was in hospital by around 2.30am, booked in by the paramedics, and had another ecg. Then had to sit in the main waiting area, to be seen. A young boy came in with his dad, complaining of stomach pains. Then was promptly sick everywhere. Not helpful for me at all (obviously I know it wasn’t intentional, poor boy, I really felt for him). A few minutes later, that rising feeling came back in my stomach, and I called to the nurse for a bowl. She only just managed to get it to me in time, and I was really sick again. She made a call and grabbed a wheelchair, and whisked me to the majors unit, into a side room. Which was much better for me, and the other patients.

I was settled in to the bed by a male nurse, and he told me that another nurse would come and put a cannula in, and take some bloods. After that, he came back and gave me some anti sickness meds. Which was a welcome relief. I was seen by a couple of doctors, then put on IV fluids for an hour or so. Once the bloods had come back, they weren’t flagging anything of major concern, and I’d not had another seizure or vomited, so at around 5.30am, I was discharged. Under strict instructions to rest, drink plenty of fluids, not to drive (I don’t anyway), and to avoid hot baths or showers. Also, they’d made an urgent referral for me to be seen at the seizure clinic.

I walked out of A&E, still feeling pretty dazed and confused, and then had to work out how to get home. As obviously hubby had stayed home with J, and I couldn’t ask him to come get me and wake her. So, checked bus times, over an hours weight for the first bus of the day. So called for a taxi instead. £13.30 !! For a 20 minute journey. Its mental. But, I was just happy to be home. Then had to call hubby to let me in, as all I’d got with me was my phone. Hadn’t taken any keys or a fob. Took 5 calls, but eventually raised him and he let me in, and I literally went straight upstairs, into pjs, and into bed. Utterly drained and exhausted.

It’s been a rough week recovering, still not 100%, but a lot better than I was. They don’t know what caused the seizure, as I’m not (as far as I know) epileptic. There’s a few possibilities, such as a spike in temperature or a sudden drop in blood pressure. As I had a high temp and low BP when the paramedics arrived. I’ll hopefully know more once I’ve been to the seizure clinic on the 11th.

Phew. Told you it was a long one! If you’ve read this far, thank you! I’ll update as and when I know what’s happening with that side of things, and obviously anything else that seems blog-worthy!

Hope you’re all good and have a great week! 🖤

Oh, and I’ve sworn to never have a takeaway ever again! 😂

X

Monday Madness

Monday Madness

Ugh. That’s the general feels for today…. just, ugh.

It’s been a really hard, draining, stressful day. From the moment I woke up, to right now, I’ve struggled with literally everything. Getting out of bed this morning, was super tough, as I just felt so achey and heavy, I very nearly just didn’t bother getting up at all. I had a doctors appointment though, and I knew if I didn’t go, I’d be pissed at myself. So, I was up, dressed and out the door in the space of 20 minutes. Was late to my appointment, but they’re never running on time anyway. I was seeing the one and only doctor, that does the mirena coil procedures. On the advice of my GP when I saw her last week, to try and ease my anxiety and fears about having it. As that’s seemingly my only option for now. She was very reassuring, and despite still feeling pretty anxious about it, after the appointment, I booked in for the swabs (to make sure there’s no infections etc before having it put in) and the procedure too. 14th February for swabs, and if they’re all okay, 7th March for the mirena. It’s an early appointment, so at least I can get it out of the way and get on with the day. Does mean getting up early though, with enough time to eat and take pain relief before going for it. I am dreading it, I won’t lie, but I’m sincerely hoping it’s as amazing as I’m being led to believe….

Anyway, after the doctors, I picked up a few bits from the shop for lunch and headed home. This afternoon, we went up to Iceland and Aldi, and in Iceland, little miss decided to kick off in epic style. I actually wanted the ground to swallow me up at one point. I could feel all eyes around me, burning into my skin almost. I could hear the tuts, and saw the shaking of heads and disapproving looks. I glared back at a few of them, and really had to bite my tongue and hold back from losing my shit with people. I felt so vulnerable and anxious, and totally lost it with my poor girl. I hate getting cross with her. I hate losing my temper. It makes me feel so angry at myself, and guilty for upsetting her and making the situation worse. I know she doesn’t do it on purpose (mostly!), and that she’s just venting her frustration in the only way she knows how. I also realise that she’s growing up, and therefore wanting to be more independent. Today the kick off was because she wanted to get out of the buggy and walk. At the time, we were trying to get the bits of shopping we needed and get home. We were all tired, a little bit on the frazzled side, and it escalated pretty quickly. Once we’d paid, and got some of the way home, off the main busy road too, I got her out of the buggy and we let her walk the rest of the way home. She did really well, and held my hand all the way. I was genuinely really proud of her, and how well she behaved once she was out and calm. She was pointing things out, like dogs, leaves, cars etc. She is super observant of everything around her, and I love that. We eventually made it home, and up to the house. I was relieved to be honest, as my anxiety was raging and I needed to get back to my comfort zone and calm down.

J is so fiercely stubborn when it comes to independence. She’s so strong willed, and when she makes up her mind to do something or wants something, there’s literally no point really trying to battle with her. Obviously there is times where we do have to stick to our guns and say no to some things, and deal with the inevitable consequences, but most of the time, our little toddler terror, usually wins, just for a quiet life! It’s probably not the greatest parenting in the world, but it’s how we feel is best for us, and it works (most of the time). So, stuff what anyone else thinks. Our child, our lives, our rules. Simples!

Before I sign off for the night, I’d love to ask a little favour of you all if I may…. if you have Facebook, I would be so grateful if you’d pop onto my page and give it a like. I’m working really hard on building it back up again, after having to start fresh. I think the link to it should be to the side of this post, but if not, you can find it by clicking here – Mumma:7716

I post as often as I can to my page, more often than I sit and write a blog post anyway! I missed my usual Sunday blog sesh, as J refused to go to bed until nearly 11pm, and by that point I was just shattered and had zero concentration!

Right, going to call it there for tonight, I hope you all had a good weekend, and that Monday was kind to you today! Have a fab week everyone, and I’ll speak to you again soon!

Much love X

 

Holding on, just.

Holding on, just.

Hi all,

Thought I’d check in whilst I had 5 minutes to sit and write; things are, in a word, tough.

I’m tired; so very tired. J has been all over the place with her sleep lately, and it’s having such a huge impact on me now. I literally feel like I’m broken. There’s not a part of my body that doesn’t ache; my joints feel stiff and swollen; I’m snappy, irritable, and just generally such a crappy person lately. I hate it. I hate how I am, the crushing lows that I feel, and the fact that I don’t know what to do about it. Yes, I could go to my GP, but there’s very little that she can really do. Tweak my medication maybe? But that’s about it. I’m sick of relying on medication as it is, the last thing I want to be doing is increasing any of them. Especially as there may be more added to the mix once I’ve seen the Rheumatology consultant next month. I feel like a walking pharmacy. Even my hubby commented on the amount of pills I take in a day. It’s ridiculous. But necessary, in order for me to “function”. Even though I don’t feel like I’m functioning at all recently. More like just existing. Plodding on, as I have to, and that’s about it. It’s pretty shit in all honesty.

Today was a proud day though, as we’ve officially started potty training. We’ve totally let J take control, and let us know when she was ready. Today was that day. She actually used the potty, rather than just sitting on it. I think it took her by surprise, as much as it did us too. But I’m so so proud of her. She’s growing up way too fast though, and that’s kinda scary. Every “first” is the last. If that makes sense. I’m not going to be experiencing any of these moments again, so it feels a little bittersweet to be honest. In a way, I’ve tried to put off such things like potty training, to try and keep her as my baby for as long as possible. I realise though, that that’s not fair on her. She’s allowed to grow up, learn new things, take big steps like using the potty today, and she’s allowed to carve her own path in life. I will never hold her back. She’s her own person, and her personality and character are really shining through, and she’s genuinely such a lovely kid to be around. Of course she has her moments, where I’m tearing my hair out in frustration, but she’s just a typical toddler in that respect. They test patience and boundaries, that’s how they learn at the end of the day. If they don’t do things wrong, then they don’t learn the difference between that and doing things right. It’s our job as parents, to ensure their safety, and guide them along the path of growing up, but not to limit them to the extent that they feel suffocated or like they’re wrapped up in cotton wool. Grazed knees, bumps and bruises, are part and parcel of growing up. They’re not something we can prevent, and to be honest, we shouldn’t try. Of course, keeping them out of danger and harms way, is vital. But the rest, we just need to let go and allow them to experience things.

Since becoming a mum, it’s been quite hard for me in many ways. Being a first time mum, over 30, and having mental health problems, I found myself facing a lot of criticism and judgement. I never felt like I was doing a good enough job, and that my way of parenting was wrong. Post Natal Depression kicked my arse. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I literally fell apart. Sleep deprivation is an absolute nightmare, and the demands of a newborn are super intense. There was many times, that I felt like I couldn’t do it, and that I wasn’t good enough. But I battled through it, as my daughter needed me, and I wasn’t about to give up on myself, nor her. Tough times are inevitable, but they do pass. Tough people, get through them. They fight tooth and nail, to get to the other side. To climb out of the low moments, and embrace the good things. No matter how hard it may be, I won’t give up. Every battle I face, I know that I can win. It may not be an immediate victory, and it most likely won’t be easy. But I have the biggest reason to always keep trying. My daughter – my world, my rainbow, my sunshine, my forever love. There will never be a battle that I can’t face up to and win, with my daughter by my side, she gives me the strength and determination.

Of course, I should also say that I fight these battles for my husband too. The love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend. We’ve been having a bit of a rough time recently too, most likely down to the fact we’re both so utterly exhausted, being the parents of a toddler, who resembles more of an energiser bunny most days! For every fight and fall out we have though, I’m sure it makes us stronger as a result. We both apologise, and move on. Some days are harder than others, and I’ve often cried over things, and felt concerned that I’m pushing him away. It would literally break me into a million pieces to lose him. He’s my rock. He’s supported me through literally the worst times of my life, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. It shows me just what unconditional love truly is. He’s been by my side for over 15 years now, and he’s never given up on me. Even when I’ve been a total bitch to him, and been an utter nightmare to live with. He’s defended me, protected me, and blessed me with the gift of our daughter. Simply the greatest gift of all, and seeing him being such a great father too, just makes me love him all the more.

I don’t know if any of this post has really made any sense, but it’s helped me process a few things in my head, and realise just how damn lucky I truly am. We may not have it all, but having each other is enough. I wouldn’t be here now, if it wasn’t for my husband. He came into my life at the exact point when I needed a knight in shining armour to save me. I honestly feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, I may not be rich in terms of money, but I’m most certainly rich in terms of how much I’m loved, needed and wanted. And that to me, is worth more than any amount of money.

I love my little family, and no matter what life throws at us, we’ll face it all together.

Good night all x

^T.U.M^

2019….so far.

2019….so far.

Hey, well, it’s 2 days into the new year, and so far it’s been pretty rubbish. Illness, tiredness, stress, frustration, and general moments when I just feel so overwhelmed by everything, that I just want to hide and cry myself to sleep. Like I literally can’t take anymore at that point. The fight or flight mode kicks in, and I don’t have the energy to fight, so just want to take flight. My moods have been all over the place; up and down, far more than usual. Stress is the biggest factor I think, along with the stinking cold I’ve got, dealing with a toddler with a cold too, and a husband that’s suffering also. I just feel so damn exhausted and broken. I need a fast influx of cash, to sort out all the crappy financial issues, and then start again. But unless I win the lottery, that’s not going to happen. My credit score is utter pants, so no one will give me a loan, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t be able to pay off the loan anyway probably! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!

I actually don’t know where I’m going with this post tonight, I just had the urge to write. Get all the crap out of my head I guess. Ugh, so tired. Think I’ll stop for tonight, I’ll write again soon.

^T.U.M^

 

I’m rubbish at blogging lately.

I’m rubbish at blogging lately.

I’m so sorry everyone; I used to be such an avid blogger, writing daily, sometimes more than once. But now, I barely remember I even have a blog sometimes. It’s so hectic at home lately, I’m on the go all day, every day. By the evening, I’m so exhausted that once J is in bed, I get the rest of my jobs done, then collapse in a heap on the sofa. The last thing on my mind by that point, is blogging. But, when I think about it, I do miss it. I miss that daily release of emotions, frustrations, triumphs, proud moments, venting…. all of it. At the same time though, I don’t want my blog to become stale and all the same. Whilst life is hectic, it’s not really blog worthy most days if I’m honest. I don’t think there’d be many people who’d really want to read about a mundane day where nothing really happened. What I had for breakfast, is hardly an enthralling read! 

I shall do a little catch up in this post, of some of the things going on in the life of the unfiltered mum! 

So, as you know from my last post (I think…. ) I saw the consultant at the endo clinic, who was pretty convinced that I do have some degree of endometriosis, but wanted me to have an MRI. I’m still baffled by this, as soooooo many people have told me that the laparoscopy is the only way to 100% confirm and diagnose endo. But, I’m booked in for the MRI in a couple weeks (23rd, what a nice way to spend the day before Christmas Eve eh!!). Probably then an anxious wait over Christmas to then find out the results. Prior to the MRI though, on the 19th (I think), I’m booked in to have the Mirena Coil fitted. I’m absolutely terrified. I’ve read both positive and negative experiences of people who’ve had it. The negatives are what my brain decides to focus on. I guess I’m just so used to always getting the rough end of the stick, and pure bad luck. But I’m trying to be more open minded about it, as it may very well be amazing for me, I don’t know until I try it. And, if there’s any issues with it, it’s easily removed anyway (most of the time!). 

I’ve also recently had loads of blood tests, had to fast for it too, as they tested for a lot of stuff, but amongst them, was type 2 diabetes. I’ve since had the results via text, and all came back normal except Cholesterol was a bit high. So that needs looking at asap. I’m seeing my doctor on Thursday, so hopefully she can shed some light on the ins and outs of my blood results. You can’t always trust the texts anyway. 

But there has to be a reason for the way I’m feeling recently. Always tired, like to the point where if I sit still too long, or make the mistake of laying down at any point, I will quickly fall asleep. It gets so hard to keep my eyes open. All my joints ache, even my fingers. My wrists are pretty bad too, and hips, knees and feet. After sitting for a while, or in the mornings when getting out of bed, I really struggle. The stiffness is so intense, that it can take me a good few minutes to get from our bedroom, across the landing and into the bathroom in the morning, that you’d think I was about 90!! I honestly feel like my body is just breaking constantly, adding new shit to the mix, just for fun! Currently getting super frustrated as I type this, with restless legs (RLS), I literally can’t stop my lets from twitching or the constant urge that I need to move about. It gets worse the more tired I get too, and I’ve not long taken my medication too, so that’s likely playing a part! 

I think I’m rambling now, as my eyes keep crossing and going out of focus. So I’ll call it a night, and try get back on here soon. 

As ever, much love to you all. 

^T.U.M^